From Love or From Fear?

I have a huge vision of a happy, healthy, peaceful world. I can see people living out their passions and all those passions coming together collectively to further human potential and evolution. I can see a world that spins on the power of love and that fear only surfaces in our body because there is physical danger not because we anticipate a future that we don’t like and actively trying to avoid. I see people focusing on what they can do, spending time with people they want to be around, and constantly striving to accomplish something they look forward to seeing come into creation. 

That may seem idealistic and naive to some of you. I am ok with that; I choose to live my life committed to pleasant ideals that mean something to me.  I am willing to not have total agreement on this vision because I have faith it will happen no matter what. I also believe that growth can happen when people don’t believe the same thing and yet come together anyway to create something better than they envisioned separately. I believe we are headed in the direction of my vision or better. 

I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. As I was growing up my dad would always say, “Make sure to leave this place better then you found it.” He was typically referring to our toys scattered in the living room or a campsite where we had spent the weekend. He wasn’t necessarily talking about the world and it’s entirety.

Well that didn’t stop me from taking on that responsibility and I have (at times) felt a lot of pressure to change the world.

I work in the Personal Development/Growth/Awareness/ Emotional Intelligence industry. Which is completely perfect for me because I believe that every individual on this planet has a unique and extraordinary story inside of him or her. I believe that everyone is exceptionally gifted and talented and it is our minds that get in the way of our natural abilities because we have ideas of “should” and “what if” generated from fear that supersedes our passions. 

None of this is a problem by the way. There is no dysfunction in the system; we are all working in perfect order. I believe we are built this way for a reason.

However, to be totally honest; I only just started believing that it wasn’t a flawed system. I felt the suffering that came with not living the life I love because of fear-based thinking and I thought this was SO wrong. I thought to myself, “I am wrong, I am flawed, I missed the meeting where everyone got instructions for living happy, healthy lives!”

Up until last week, maybe even two nights ago, I thought I was broken in some way and needed to be fixed.

When I began the #101DaysofConnection project I started it with the conscious intention to connect with those around me at a deeper level. After #101DaysofAwakening I felt that I had a deeper connection with myself and yet I was separated from the people around me. I wanted to make a conscious effort to reach out more to my brother and friends whom I love deeply. What I didn’t anticipate was how much my spiritual connection would come into play in this project.

I believe in a higher power, I look around the world and see perfection that can only be ascribed to a something bigger then I have capacity to understand. When I was a kid, I let myself feel connected to whatever that was that I couldn’t see. It made me feel like there was magic in the world and I was a part of it. When my mom died, that higher power moved to my sh*! list, but it didn’t change what I believed, it only changed how I treated that belief.

On day 4 of #101DaysofConnection I shared this belief out loud with a group of people. I shared how mad I am, how hurt I feel and how scary it is to think that I am alone in this life. I shared with these people that when my mom died it triggered my belief that I need to leave this world better then I found it and that it was all up to me to do it.

Before my mom died, the higher power and I were in cahoots working together for a better world. After she died, I got it: bad things happen to good people that can’t be explained. It felt like a betrayal to a tacit agreement that if you are good, good things happen.

Fine! Message received: work like hell to save everyone from this unfeeling God.

Well thankfully I had the courage to share that thought with a group of people that do not believe what I believe. They were able to mirror back something to me that I didn’t see in myself.

They said this, “You have the same vision and beliefs you have always had. You still believe in this universal power that you knew before your mom died, only now you resent it. Do you really believe that this power is against you? You are thinking like a victim.”

YUCK! The V word! Blech. Not interested in that mindset at all! “So what do I do now?” I asked.

“Your beliefs haven’t changed. You are still walking around with the beliefs of a 7 year old. How would you, a 30 year old woman, interpret what happened? What do you believe now?”

So, what do I believe? It took some time to come up with my answer. Here is what I have concluded since then:

·       I believe things happen for a reason 

·      I believe the mind lies to me to protect me and the truth will set me free

·      I believe everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end

·      I believe “good” and “bad” are judgments, a human construct, not a universal fact

·      I believe everyone has honorable intentions

·      I believe blame is the cause of all suffering

·      I believe we are all connected, that a little piece of me exists in everyone and a little piece of everyone exists in me

·      I believe in God, The Almighty, a divinity, a universal consciousness, something bigger then words can describe but I know the energy is love and appreciation

·      I believe everyone has unique gifts and talents and when those are expressed the world is a better place

·      I believe creativity is a gift we all possess and is a three-part process: Thoughts- Words- Actions

·      I believe that every single human being is special

·      I believe pain is a part of the growth process; our ability to move through it makes life interesting and lets us know we are getting stronger  

·      I believe that if my mom hadn’t died I wouldn’t be where I am today and I really LOVE my life

·      I believe I am here to deeply connect with people in their experience and share it with them, love them for it, letting them know it is perfect for their extraordinary story if they choose, just like God did for me

Two days ago, while writing my morning pages, sorting out what I believe and it dawned on me. I do believe the above, passionately. I see now that God has been with me through this entire process, sharing it with me. There has been no condemnation or judgment from a higher power. I am free to choose anything I want, there are infinite possibilities and I can choose to be and feel extraordinary or I can choose to be and feel resentful. It is not good or bad, right or wrong, there is just a loving presence no matter what. I want to be with people while they make their choices, I can be that loving presence for others.

I have no idea what is next in this process.  All I know is that I am moving toward my vision with a more mature set of beliefs. I am no longer motivated by fear of it not happening, imagining some higher adversarial power.  I look forward to this vision coming into creation not because it is what I think the world needs but because when I focus on it I feel fully alive. I am now truly and wholly motivated to achieve it because it is what I love.

Connecting to Spirit

I am looking for someone. I have been searching for her for a long time. We were very close once, so much so that I couldn't tell where she ended and I began. Maybe you would call it a soul. Maybe others would call it our pure self. I’ll call her Spirit. I am not sure of the impetus of our separation but I am certain of what assured our split. 

I wonder if the beginning of the end was a tragic incident? Like when we were kids and the neighbor girls we loved playing with most moved away. We sat on the floor of their playroom pulling toys out of boxes pleading with them to stay. Our heart broke in two; we were devastated by the loss while fearing the experience of losing again. Hopelessness took over. I wonder if I started to separate from her then. 

Perhaps it was more gradual. We were so devoted to each other in the beginning. Life seemed so safe, loving and supportive. Then my baby brother showed up and those feelings faded some. They faded more when school started. The idea that I had to earn belonging started to creep into my mind and I became obsessed with figuring out how to be wanted by others. Connecting with the people out there became priority over connecting with the spirit in here. 

When my Mom died that was the last time I genuinely felt connected to my long lost spirit.  This is when I knew that life was truly unsafe and a total rip off. Instead of some all-knowing and all-powerful presence (or God, or Creator, or whatever you want to call It) keeping us safe from harm, It became unreliable.  How could anyone protect themselves from the unseen presence? A presence that up until that point had been the only safe thing I could rely on. All of a sudden this presence came to play in my life in a way that made no sense to me and seemed to be incredibly indifferent and unfair.  I was angry and when I heard my Spirit say, "God has a plan, there is always a reason." I thought she was more against me than with me and I turned my back on her. 

Still I think of her often. She was loving, patient and compassionate. She was fun and free. She had an awe-inspiring faith and connection to something greater that aroused deep passion and appreciation. She truly understood that there is a reason for everything and yet never needed to know the reason. She loved with reckless abandon; She saw the innocence in people and invited them into her heart without reservation. She was fearless when it came to loving others whole-heartedly.

I, on the other hand, have always been shrewd and critical. Less trusting and more skeptical about who to let into my heart. That is only because I didn’t understand that there was a purpose to the pain. I felt the pain and wanted to get away. In fact I would anticipate pain and do whatever I could to get away from it before I felt it again. She was always wiser than I but when it hurt so badly I had a hard time believing in her equanimity. I interpreted her calm composure as a naivety that would surely lead me to suffering.

I lived in fear of the pain and I started to pull back from life. I retracted into myself when I separated from her. 

I am happy to report that I am older and wiser now. I have done my work and I have grown into someone who can handle heartache. My skepticism was immature and naive; I didn’t understand that grief was the price for love. I didn’t realize that the pain was my heart tearing and growing back stronger like all my other muscles. I didn’t recognize the pain as a guide and that when experienced with love creates the strength I need to create an extraordinary life. 

I am ready to reconnect. She is the truth. Who I created to protect myself is the lie and I have no need for that lie anymore. My heart is strong and getting stronger and I am capable of experiencing the truth of who I am. It is scary as hell, and I can feel it as I write. I am petrified of what could happen and I am ready to lose it all if it means experiencing what’s true and loving whole-heartedly again. 

She is me, my spirit, my soul, and the part within me that is divine. Once I asked God what my purpose was in this life and I heard His response very clearly. My purpose is to love. To love everything, everyone, every situation with all that I have in me and to start with myself. I remember living that way once. I will again. 

As soon as I let go of the idea that we are separated. 

Reconnecting

Hey Mom, 

It has been a while since we talked. In all honesty I have been avoiding you. I know that you don't take it personal, you understand that it has everything to do with me. It's just that I miss you so much it hurts. You died 7 years ago today and the night before you passed I asked you if you would always be with me and you said yes. I want to apologize. I know you kept your promise, it was I who left you. I'm coming back and I want to connect with you again. I want to feel you around again. So I have to reach out to you again and this is my first attempt.

So much has happened since I talked to you last. Where do I start?

First let me tell you about Dad. He is really special to me, you know, and it was been hard for me to connect with him after you passed. At first I wanted to take care of him, also known as "control him to live the way I think he should live." I thought if I told him what to do I would make sure he wouldn't be in pain any more so that maybe I won't feel pain anymore. Well, bless his soul, he doesn't want to move out of it. He isn't being melancholy or morose or anything like that, he is just still in love with you. He loves missing you, it reminds him how much you mean to him. I can see that now. He is a good man with a big strong heart. In my arrogance and fear I thought his willingness to miss you was an unwillingness to move on. Now I see that he is moving on while missing you. I'm taking notes. 

Then there is Trevor. What a guy, he is a super cool kid. Trevor is so brilliantly creative. He can write poems, play guitar and teach. He can find a bunch of different ways to teach one complex math concept to children in a way they can understand. His mind is truly amazing. He also suffers from epilepsy and that breaks my heart. I want to fix it, make it better for him and I can't and it hurts. I have distanced myself (unconsciously) because I am so afraid of what could happen to him. It feels safer to be distant but it also feels wrong and lonely and wrong and I dont like it anymore. So I invited him to do the #101daysofconnection project with me. Whether he does it or not is not the exciting part, the exciting part is that we are talking regularly about what is going on with us. Just to connect.  Just so I can get to know my baby brother again. I thought you would be happy to hear that. 

So.. me... well... there is so much. I have found my life's work. You will get a kick out of this; I work with people as they discover their gifts and talents to live extraordinary lives. My clients lives are so important to me, I will do whatever it takes to serve them to the best of my ability.  Although I fear the pain I may feel when I open up to you (and any relationship I could lose) I will do it because I can not facilitate healing without doing it first myself. This work pushes me to better myself and my situation and I am so deeply grateful to be a part of it.

I married the love of my life. Mom, you would totally dig him. He is kind and funny, he dances with me, he plays soccer, his favorite rock band is Led Zeppelin, he loves me and he has a great head of hair! Did I score or what? He asks about you all the time. He wants to know where I came from. I feel so alive with him. I feel safe and free. He inspires me to reconnect with you because we are going to have children one day and I want to be a great mom like you. My kids deserve the best, not someone who is afraid to love because she lost. Lindon reminds me that my heart is a lot stronger than I think. There has been so much to celebrate in my life and I have always felt a little sad because I don't get to share it with you. I see now that was a choice.

I have come a long way in the last 7 years and I can see I have a long way to go. I am still really pissed you are gone. I had a long communication (not a conversation, I don't care what He has to say right now) with God this morning letting Her know exactly how angry I am that out of all the people in the world you were the one to go. I am reconnecting to that relationship too. It's going to take some time for me to make peace with it and after 7 years I am ready to heal. 

Unknowingly, I turned my back on you thinking that that is what I would have to do to move on. But Dad is really the one who had it right. We will move on by remembering you, by missing you. 

I still dance around the living room to rock music, I still hike, and I still have teatime just like you. I always think about you at those times but now I will start talking to you too. I'll let you in on what’s new. There is so much great about me because of you and now I am going to learn from the strong women you are and be one too. 

When I grow up I want to be just like you. I am looking forward to finally growing up.

I love you Mommy

Nose kisses,

Cassie 

 

A Better Connection

I like to think of myself as a free spirit. I detest the idea of being trapped or caught. I object to the thought of structure because I want to run free and structure sounds like hard work, limitation and rigidity. My inner child calls, "No one can hold me down! Ha!" as she runs wild into the wide open unknown!  

Truth is; in all that open space I become a lonely, scared, indignant little girl. Running around with no perimeters can be suffocating. With all that unknown territory to fill up my mind projects dreadful images to send me right back to what I know.  I have definitely changed my tune after the #101DaysofAwakening project. I love structure! It provides focus and a framework in which I can play, explore and run free.

The project, with all its structure, invited me to push my limits enough to create the perfect blend of edgy and safe. Thus inviting growth without being so different and scary that I go right back to my comfort zone or "box." (There is no box except for the ones we create for ourselves so that we feel safe)

I am ready for the next project to challenge my self imposed limitations and expand beyond what is familiar.

Introducing: #101DaysofConection  

As I reviewed my One Belief Statement sheets, the thoughts that caused me the most stress were the thoughts about me in relationship to others and specifically about loss of connection. I fear losing connection with family and friends, losing connection to what matters to me, losing connection to a higher power. I fear being alone running wild and free in a field where no one else wants to play. 

That fear gets a hold of me frequently and drives my most dysfunctional behavior. For example, I am afraid my brother will be annoyed by me so I don't call him thus having limited connection with him and creating exactly what I fear. 

Bleckkk. Done with that! 

So I have designed another #101Days project to support me in exploring the depth of connection I can experience with my spirituality, my body, the people I love most and myself. To sweeten the deal; I am thrilled to share this experience with my brother who has agreed to create a sort of "book club" for The Artist's Way with me. We will do the 12 week course together (he said he would try - good enough for me) and do a weekly call (his handsome mug is featured above).

Below is my plan for the next 101 days. It is my agreement to complete the following:

Weekly:
- Reading and completing tasks from The Artists Way
- Call with my brother (Tre-Dawg-G-Funk as I affectionately call him)
- 2 hour artist date
- Blog post
- 2 yoga sessions at the studio

Daily:
-Instagram post to document my experience
- Morning Pages

Starting: May 1, 2014
Ending August 10, 2014

Wanna play? Let me know!