From Love or From Fear?

I have a huge vision of a happy, healthy, peaceful world. I can see people living out their passions and all those passions coming together collectively to further human potential and evolution. I can see a world that spins on the power of love and that fear only surfaces in our body because there is physical danger not because we anticipate a future that we don’t like and actively trying to avoid. I see people focusing on what they can do, spending time with people they want to be around, and constantly striving to accomplish something they look forward to seeing come into creation. 

That may seem idealistic and naive to some of you. I am ok with that; I choose to live my life committed to pleasant ideals that mean something to me.  I am willing to not have total agreement on this vision because I have faith it will happen no matter what. I also believe that growth can happen when people don’t believe the same thing and yet come together anyway to create something better than they envisioned separately. I believe we are headed in the direction of my vision or better. 

I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. As I was growing up my dad would always say, “Make sure to leave this place better then you found it.” He was typically referring to our toys scattered in the living room or a campsite where we had spent the weekend. He wasn’t necessarily talking about the world and it’s entirety.

Well that didn’t stop me from taking on that responsibility and I have (at times) felt a lot of pressure to change the world.

I work in the Personal Development/Growth/Awareness/ Emotional Intelligence industry. Which is completely perfect for me because I believe that every individual on this planet has a unique and extraordinary story inside of him or her. I believe that everyone is exceptionally gifted and talented and it is our minds that get in the way of our natural abilities because we have ideas of “should” and “what if” generated from fear that supersedes our passions. 

None of this is a problem by the way. There is no dysfunction in the system; we are all working in perfect order. I believe we are built this way for a reason.

However, to be totally honest; I only just started believing that it wasn’t a flawed system. I felt the suffering that came with not living the life I love because of fear-based thinking and I thought this was SO wrong. I thought to myself, “I am wrong, I am flawed, I missed the meeting where everyone got instructions for living happy, healthy lives!”

Up until last week, maybe even two nights ago, I thought I was broken in some way and needed to be fixed.

When I began the #101DaysofConnection project I started it with the conscious intention to connect with those around me at a deeper level. After #101DaysofAwakening I felt that I had a deeper connection with myself and yet I was separated from the people around me. I wanted to make a conscious effort to reach out more to my brother and friends whom I love deeply. What I didn’t anticipate was how much my spiritual connection would come into play in this project.

I believe in a higher power, I look around the world and see perfection that can only be ascribed to a something bigger then I have capacity to understand. When I was a kid, I let myself feel connected to whatever that was that I couldn’t see. It made me feel like there was magic in the world and I was a part of it. When my mom died, that higher power moved to my sh*! list, but it didn’t change what I believed, it only changed how I treated that belief.

On day 4 of #101DaysofConnection I shared this belief out loud with a group of people. I shared how mad I am, how hurt I feel and how scary it is to think that I am alone in this life. I shared with these people that when my mom died it triggered my belief that I need to leave this world better then I found it and that it was all up to me to do it.

Before my mom died, the higher power and I were in cahoots working together for a better world. After she died, I got it: bad things happen to good people that can’t be explained. It felt like a betrayal to a tacit agreement that if you are good, good things happen.

Fine! Message received: work like hell to save everyone from this unfeeling God.

Well thankfully I had the courage to share that thought with a group of people that do not believe what I believe. They were able to mirror back something to me that I didn’t see in myself.

They said this, “You have the same vision and beliefs you have always had. You still believe in this universal power that you knew before your mom died, only now you resent it. Do you really believe that this power is against you? You are thinking like a victim.”

YUCK! The V word! Blech. Not interested in that mindset at all! “So what do I do now?” I asked.

“Your beliefs haven’t changed. You are still walking around with the beliefs of a 7 year old. How would you, a 30 year old woman, interpret what happened? What do you believe now?”

So, what do I believe? It took some time to come up with my answer. Here is what I have concluded since then:

·       I believe things happen for a reason 

·      I believe the mind lies to me to protect me and the truth will set me free

·      I believe everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end

·      I believe “good” and “bad” are judgments, a human construct, not a universal fact

·      I believe everyone has honorable intentions

·      I believe blame is the cause of all suffering

·      I believe we are all connected, that a little piece of me exists in everyone and a little piece of everyone exists in me

·      I believe in God, The Almighty, a divinity, a universal consciousness, something bigger then words can describe but I know the energy is love and appreciation

·      I believe everyone has unique gifts and talents and when those are expressed the world is a better place

·      I believe creativity is a gift we all possess and is a three-part process: Thoughts- Words- Actions

·      I believe that every single human being is special

·      I believe pain is a part of the growth process; our ability to move through it makes life interesting and lets us know we are getting stronger  

·      I believe that if my mom hadn’t died I wouldn’t be where I am today and I really LOVE my life

·      I believe I am here to deeply connect with people in their experience and share it with them, love them for it, letting them know it is perfect for their extraordinary story if they choose, just like God did for me

Two days ago, while writing my morning pages, sorting out what I believe and it dawned on me. I do believe the above, passionately. I see now that God has been with me through this entire process, sharing it with me. There has been no condemnation or judgment from a higher power. I am free to choose anything I want, there are infinite possibilities and I can choose to be and feel extraordinary or I can choose to be and feel resentful. It is not good or bad, right or wrong, there is just a loving presence no matter what. I want to be with people while they make their choices, I can be that loving presence for others.

I have no idea what is next in this process.  All I know is that I am moving toward my vision with a more mature set of beliefs. I am no longer motivated by fear of it not happening, imagining some higher adversarial power.  I look forward to this vision coming into creation not because it is what I think the world needs but because when I focus on it I feel fully alive. I am now truly and wholly motivated to achieve it because it is what I love.

Connecting to Spirit

I am looking for someone. I have been searching for her for a long time. We were very close once, so much so that I couldn't tell where she ended and I began. Maybe you would call it a soul. Maybe others would call it our pure self. I’ll call her Spirit. I am not sure of the impetus of our separation but I am certain of what assured our split. 

I wonder if the beginning of the end was a tragic incident? Like when we were kids and the neighbor girls we loved playing with most moved away. We sat on the floor of their playroom pulling toys out of boxes pleading with them to stay. Our heart broke in two; we were devastated by the loss while fearing the experience of losing again. Hopelessness took over. I wonder if I started to separate from her then. 

Perhaps it was more gradual. We were so devoted to each other in the beginning. Life seemed so safe, loving and supportive. Then my baby brother showed up and those feelings faded some. They faded more when school started. The idea that I had to earn belonging started to creep into my mind and I became obsessed with figuring out how to be wanted by others. Connecting with the people out there became priority over connecting with the spirit in here. 

When my Mom died that was the last time I genuinely felt connected to my long lost spirit.  This is when I knew that life was truly unsafe and a total rip off. Instead of some all-knowing and all-powerful presence (or God, or Creator, or whatever you want to call It) keeping us safe from harm, It became unreliable.  How could anyone protect themselves from the unseen presence? A presence that up until that point had been the only safe thing I could rely on. All of a sudden this presence came to play in my life in a way that made no sense to me and seemed to be incredibly indifferent and unfair.  I was angry and when I heard my Spirit say, "God has a plan, there is always a reason." I thought she was more against me than with me and I turned my back on her. 

Still I think of her often. She was loving, patient and compassionate. She was fun and free. She had an awe-inspiring faith and connection to something greater that aroused deep passion and appreciation. She truly understood that there is a reason for everything and yet never needed to know the reason. She loved with reckless abandon; She saw the innocence in people and invited them into her heart without reservation. She was fearless when it came to loving others whole-heartedly.

I, on the other hand, have always been shrewd and critical. Less trusting and more skeptical about who to let into my heart. That is only because I didn’t understand that there was a purpose to the pain. I felt the pain and wanted to get away. In fact I would anticipate pain and do whatever I could to get away from it before I felt it again. She was always wiser than I but when it hurt so badly I had a hard time believing in her equanimity. I interpreted her calm composure as a naivety that would surely lead me to suffering.

I lived in fear of the pain and I started to pull back from life. I retracted into myself when I separated from her. 

I am happy to report that I am older and wiser now. I have done my work and I have grown into someone who can handle heartache. My skepticism was immature and naive; I didn’t understand that grief was the price for love. I didn’t realize that the pain was my heart tearing and growing back stronger like all my other muscles. I didn’t recognize the pain as a guide and that when experienced with love creates the strength I need to create an extraordinary life. 

I am ready to reconnect. She is the truth. Who I created to protect myself is the lie and I have no need for that lie anymore. My heart is strong and getting stronger and I am capable of experiencing the truth of who I am. It is scary as hell, and I can feel it as I write. I am petrified of what could happen and I am ready to lose it all if it means experiencing what’s true and loving whole-heartedly again. 

She is me, my spirit, my soul, and the part within me that is divine. Once I asked God what my purpose was in this life and I heard His response very clearly. My purpose is to love. To love everything, everyone, every situation with all that I have in me and to start with myself. I remember living that way once. I will again. 

As soon as I let go of the idea that we are separated. 

Reconnecting

Hey Mom, 

It has been a while since we talked. In all honesty I have been avoiding you. I know that you don't take it personal, you understand that it has everything to do with me. It's just that I miss you so much it hurts. You died 7 years ago today and the night before you passed I asked you if you would always be with me and you said yes. I want to apologize. I know you kept your promise, it was I who left you. I'm coming back and I want to connect with you again. I want to feel you around again. So I have to reach out to you again and this is my first attempt.

So much has happened since I talked to you last. Where do I start?

First let me tell you about Dad. He is really special to me, you know, and it was been hard for me to connect with him after you passed. At first I wanted to take care of him, also known as "control him to live the way I think he should live." I thought if I told him what to do I would make sure he wouldn't be in pain any more so that maybe I won't feel pain anymore. Well, bless his soul, he doesn't want to move out of it. He isn't being melancholy or morose or anything like that, he is just still in love with you. He loves missing you, it reminds him how much you mean to him. I can see that now. He is a good man with a big strong heart. In my arrogance and fear I thought his willingness to miss you was an unwillingness to move on. Now I see that he is moving on while missing you. I'm taking notes. 

Then there is Trevor. What a guy, he is a super cool kid. Trevor is so brilliantly creative. He can write poems, play guitar and teach. He can find a bunch of different ways to teach one complex math concept to children in a way they can understand. His mind is truly amazing. He also suffers from epilepsy and that breaks my heart. I want to fix it, make it better for him and I can't and it hurts. I have distanced myself (unconsciously) because I am so afraid of what could happen to him. It feels safer to be distant but it also feels wrong and lonely and wrong and I dont like it anymore. So I invited him to do the #101daysofconnection project with me. Whether he does it or not is not the exciting part, the exciting part is that we are talking regularly about what is going on with us. Just to connect.  Just so I can get to know my baby brother again. I thought you would be happy to hear that. 

So.. me... well... there is so much. I have found my life's work. You will get a kick out of this; I work with people as they discover their gifts and talents to live extraordinary lives. My clients lives are so important to me, I will do whatever it takes to serve them to the best of my ability.  Although I fear the pain I may feel when I open up to you (and any relationship I could lose) I will do it because I can not facilitate healing without doing it first myself. This work pushes me to better myself and my situation and I am so deeply grateful to be a part of it.

I married the love of my life. Mom, you would totally dig him. He is kind and funny, he dances with me, he plays soccer, his favorite rock band is Led Zeppelin, he loves me and he has a great head of hair! Did I score or what? He asks about you all the time. He wants to know where I came from. I feel so alive with him. I feel safe and free. He inspires me to reconnect with you because we are going to have children one day and I want to be a great mom like you. My kids deserve the best, not someone who is afraid to love because she lost. Lindon reminds me that my heart is a lot stronger than I think. There has been so much to celebrate in my life and I have always felt a little sad because I don't get to share it with you. I see now that was a choice.

I have come a long way in the last 7 years and I can see I have a long way to go. I am still really pissed you are gone. I had a long communication (not a conversation, I don't care what He has to say right now) with God this morning letting Her know exactly how angry I am that out of all the people in the world you were the one to go. I am reconnecting to that relationship too. It's going to take some time for me to make peace with it and after 7 years I am ready to heal. 

Unknowingly, I turned my back on you thinking that that is what I would have to do to move on. But Dad is really the one who had it right. We will move on by remembering you, by missing you. 

I still dance around the living room to rock music, I still hike, and I still have teatime just like you. I always think about you at those times but now I will start talking to you too. I'll let you in on what’s new. There is so much great about me because of you and now I am going to learn from the strong women you are and be one too. 

When I grow up I want to be just like you. I am looking forward to finally growing up.

I love you Mommy

Nose kisses,

Cassie 

 

A Better Connection

I like to think of myself as a free spirit. I detest the idea of being trapped or caught. I object to the thought of structure because I want to run free and structure sounds like hard work, limitation and rigidity. My inner child calls, "No one can hold me down! Ha!" as she runs wild into the wide open unknown!  

Truth is; in all that open space I become a lonely, scared, indignant little girl. Running around with no perimeters can be suffocating. With all that unknown territory to fill up my mind projects dreadful images to send me right back to what I know.  I have definitely changed my tune after the #101DaysofAwakening project. I love structure! It provides focus and a framework in which I can play, explore and run free.

The project, with all its structure, invited me to push my limits enough to create the perfect blend of edgy and safe. Thus inviting growth without being so different and scary that I go right back to my comfort zone or "box." (There is no box except for the ones we create for ourselves so that we feel safe)

I am ready for the next project to challenge my self imposed limitations and expand beyond what is familiar.

Introducing: #101DaysofConection  

As I reviewed my One Belief Statement sheets, the thoughts that caused me the most stress were the thoughts about me in relationship to others and specifically about loss of connection. I fear losing connection with family and friends, losing connection to what matters to me, losing connection to a higher power. I fear being alone running wild and free in a field where no one else wants to play. 

That fear gets a hold of me frequently and drives my most dysfunctional behavior. For example, I am afraid my brother will be annoyed by me so I don't call him thus having limited connection with him and creating exactly what I fear. 

Bleckkk. Done with that! 

So I have designed another #101Days project to support me in exploring the depth of connection I can experience with my spirituality, my body, the people I love most and myself. To sweeten the deal; I am thrilled to share this experience with my brother who has agreed to create a sort of "book club" for The Artist's Way with me. We will do the 12 week course together (he said he would try - good enough for me) and do a weekly call (his handsome mug is featured above).

Below is my plan for the next 101 days. It is my agreement to complete the following:

Weekly:
- Reading and completing tasks from The Artists Way
- Call with my brother (Tre-Dawg-G-Funk as I affectionately call him)
- 2 hour artist date
- Blog post
- 2 yoga sessions at the studio

Daily:
-Instagram post to document my experience
- Morning Pages

Starting: May 1, 2014
Ending August 10, 2014

Wanna play? Let me know!

Everything Will Be Ok In The End

At the end, I wasn't ok. I thought I did everything right to end this project of #101DaysofAwakening and I really didn't like that it was over. 

I looked at my resistance to ending things I love. I discovered my feelings of pain and hopelessness that came with the end. I took time to celebrate what I had done in the first 101 days of 2014 and I was awed by how far I had come and how much I had grown. Yet I was still feeling unsettled about the whole ending process. 

I wanted to move on to the next project AND I needed to find resolution to the conflicted feelings I was having about #101DaysofAwakening. So I sat with it...for two weeks... and then... I got it. I now know how to end this project but let me fill you in on my process. 

When the 101st day came I felt the grief accompanied with the ending. I wanted to do something symbolic to wrap up the process so I took all my pages of processing One Belief Statements  and I reread each statement out loud, said good bye to it and burnt it. I did this process with my husband and when I had burnt the final sheet I told him of my new intention and who I was now that I didn't believe those stressful thoughts. It was a beautiful night, felt free and renewed. I felt totally connected with my husband and deeply in love. The next day I read the intention I had written for this project and I felt I had  nailed it! It was a weekend of great celebration! 

The following week I felt lost. I knew what I wanted to do for the next project AND something felt off about the whole thing I couldn't put my conscious finger on what was causing my discomfort with moving forward. 

Thanks to the #101DaysofAwakening I have learned to pay attention to my feelings. They are signals from my body letting me know that something needs attention. The tricky part to this whole process is that I am developing my ability to interpret these feelings and their meaning.

In the first week I attributed my upset to my new project. It was going to be on #101DaysofYoga. I was going to do 30 minutes of yoga everyday with  focus on spirituality, meditation and deep breathing. I'm glad I objected to that before I committed because I know very little about yoga and to commit to doing it every day to the degree I wanted to for 101 days was absurd. After thinking about it I felt like I was a 5th grader trying to write a dissertation on Marcel Proust. So I revised it. 

I still felt unsettled. My mind was telling me to move forward and that I was feeling antsy because I hadn't committed to anything yet. My mind screamed, "You are getting sloppy, you need structure, just move forward." As you can imagine it was useless listening to my mind so I tuned into my body. I was feeling sad about the end, which was to be expected but there was something else that nagged at me. It was a longing, I yearned for a missing piece and then it hit me. For 101days I ended every day with a gratitude. I need to end this project the same way. 

My first gratitude is to the person who is reading this blog and anyone who has ever read this blog. You have no idea the impact you have had in my life. The thought that some one is out there and cares enough about what I have to say to read these ramblings touches my soul. It motivates me to share, think and process. It is because of you that I am committed to being the best person I can be day in and day out because you (all of you are valuable, loveable and deserve the very best of me. Thank you for the constant inspiration and being a gift in my life.

Next I long to express my gratitude to my dear friend Marian. She is the biggest risk taker I know. She is fully committed to what is important to her and shares it with all of the world. She lays who she is out for everyone to see, judge, question, challenge, disagree and deeply love. She will never hold back because she is afraid of what someone will think of her. I was inspired by her pure self expression that she expressed (and continues to share) in her happiness projects. She is a courageous free spirit and I am humbled and deeply grateful that she calls me a friend and invited me to pay it forward. If it was not for her unadulterated bravery I would have never had the guts to put all my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see. Mar, I love you so deeply I wiggle ;) 

 The appreciation I have for my friend Lisa is deep and strong and lasting. Lisa you are MY Consciousgirl. You were the fuel that kept me going. You reminded me that there was someone out in the world who "got me." You were with me every step of the way sharing your joy and pain and inviting me to share more of mine. It was life changing to have someone share this process with so intimately. Our connection is at true and rare gift. You are my conscious sister. Thank you so much for your energy and your BIG LOVE.

 Of course I could not have done any of this without the love, guidance and support of my darling husband. Lindon when I think about how you held me when I cried, how you danced with me when I celebrated and how you read and reread countless blog posts I am moved to tears. You are my partner, my team mate and my best friend. You provide the safety to I need to explore the scariest places imaginable. I know that you and I will always be side by side, holding hands, smiling because there is nothing stronger then the love you and I have for each other. Sharing my life with you is the greatest adventure, having you be so involved and supportive of what I do is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you for being the kind of person that brings out the best in me. Nothing bring me more joy then being your wife. 

There. Now this project complete. Thank you #101DaysofAwakening for proving to me that everything will be ok in the end. 
 

Loving What Death Can Touch

This is the final week of #101DaysofAwakening and it has been the toughest week of all. I had every intention, consciously, of going out with a bang and having fun with the last few days of this project. Clearly I had a subconscious intention that was much stronger because I had a major tantrum. 

Let me define tantrum. 

People normally think of children uncontrollably kicking and screaming on the ground. My tantrum is much more subtle then that, its me not doing what I know to do. There is a feeling of righteous indignance, that if I were to personify it, it would sound like, "I don't wanna and you can't make me."  

However, my mind is slick so instead of hearing those words in my head I make up more adult reasons that people would "buy" like, "I'm just so exhausted." or "I'm too busy, I can't find the time." and my favorite "I'll get to it later."

As conscious girl I am well aware of that particular thought and feeling combo. I knew I was in avoidance of something, I just wasn't sure what it was. Normally, I would manage my feelings, I would do the task anyway, push through exhaustion and keep my word.

This week I decided to "lean in" to my avoidance. I didn't finish this blog on time, I put off doing my daily pages, I was halfhearted in my meditation and with all that going on I could hear my mind's judgement of not getting done what I said I would do.

I listened to the judgement but I didn't take it on or believe it. I was more interested in what was causing this feeling of sloth. I wanted to get to the bottom of what this tantrum was all about and why it was showing up now?

There is a saying that when your mind is quiet your soul will speak. Well, it's true. 

So I'm sitting in the waiting room at my chiropractor's office looking at the pictures of the babies he has treated and my mind starts to wander. I start thinking about my friends; several are pregnant or just had babies. They are all living in Northern California and I live in Southern California. I have missed several baby showers and I am about to miss another one. This makes me REALLY sad. I miss my friends and I want to be a part of their pregnancy and be with them and their beautiful babies but I feel so far away. I am afraid that their lives will change so rapidly and I won't be a part of it and eventually we will grow apart and we won't be friends any more. When I think about my friendship with them this way (anticipating an end) I feel sad and desperate and I obsess over what I can do to stay connected.

BINGO! I got it.

This is a huge realization for me! In being afraid of the end I do what I can to protect myself from anything ever ending. I am trying to hold on as tight as I can to keep whatever it is in my life, or worse, minimize how I feel so I can convince myself it isn't that important to me when it's over.

I see this "holding on" all over my life; in my work, in my relationships and I see myself playing it out at the end of this project. In fact when I tell the truth about it, I never finish books because I never want the story to end, it will take me weeks to read the last two chapters and I have already started two other books to distract me from the ending. I never want phone calls to end, I could talk for hours and when I have an appointment after the call I keep the conversation going until the last moment.

If I continue to live with this fear, then in my opinion, I am not really living. How do I know these things should remain in my life? How do I know that when people are ready to move on that they shouldn't? How do I know something better isn't waiting for me on the other side of the end? And the question that really has my attention now, how much am I holding back from enjoying how much I love something or someone right now because I am afraid it will end later?!

The end is a certainty, nothing is permanent. I can't protect myself from all endings and I love too many things to try and pretend I don't care. Loss is the cost of love. I am willing to experience heartache if it means I can have a deeper experience of love right now.

I can see that for the last 7 years I have avoided grieving my mom because I would have to face the end of that relationship. 

I deserve to miss my friends, we have a strong connection and it hurts being away from them. The relationship I had with my mom was so close and so beautiful it warrants my mourning. One day Lindon and I will have kids and I will watch my heart walking outside my body and I refuse to give up any ounce of love for them even if it means the possibility of experiencing overwhelming fear of something happening to them.

I love people, deeply, fully and intensely. My relationships mean everything to me which is terribly risky because people are the most impermanent thing in the world. 

I can see now it takes tremendous courage to love what death can touch. But I will think about that later. Its time for my chiropractic appointment. 

Coming Home

I love Tom Hanks. In fact he is my celebrity crush. I think he is funny, brilliant and tender. Next to my husband I consider him the ideal man. One of my favorite Tom Hank's movies is Sleepless in Seattle. I love a good Rom-Com and Tom is the prefect leading man. I have seen this movie more times then I care to admit and yet there is a line in the movie that always makes me cry.

I'll set the scene: Tom's wife has past away and he gets duped by his eight year old son into talking with a radio "love-line" host about his loss. The doctor asks, "What was so special about your wife?" To which Tom replies, "How long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic."

When I think about Tom saying this it brings tears to my eyes. I find the thought so endearing. This character's experience of being with his wife was like coming home. There is nothing better than the feeling of coming home. To me that means being safe, warm, welcomed as you are for who you are. It is being in a place that is so familiar one recognizes it as a part of one's own self. Coming home for me is to be at total peace with where you are.

I can't imagine a lovelier thing to say about the experience of being with another person. I am currently having that feeling about coming home from India.

As to be expected, everyone has been asking about our experience on the trip. They all ask, "How was it?' and I struggle to answer.  I have never been to a place more unfamiliar. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, everything was alien to my senses. At first the experience was exciting and thrilling. All the unknowns kept me on my toes and made me feel alive. It was a rush. Then it became scary. I felt a real sense of danger when we were sick or lost. The anxiety I would normally feel in those situations was amplified by the threat of being in a strange territory. That heightened tension led to exhaustion and then ultimately desperate longing and an overwhelming feeling of being homesick. 

And with all that going on Lindon and I connected and worked together in a way we never had before. The love we feel for each other evolved and flourished. We saw amazing sights that took our breath away like the Taj Mahal, prayers on the Ganges and the birthplace of the four noble truths in Sarnath. We ate amazing food that delighted and terrified us and met the most amazing people with the most diverse back grounds.

Travel, of any kind, is an opportunity to embrace what is unknown. It is an invitation to the senses to see what else is out there and what possibilities exist outside of our normal routine. In my mind traveling is the freedom to challenge what I believe is true.

For example, as I shared last week, I thought that in order to honor someone else's beliefs I had to put my own aside. That someone not believing what I believe somehow made one of us wrong.  Not true. In fact I can appreciate my own beliefs more while I am curious and interested in someone's viewpoint. Up until last week I thought that "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." This was so clearly untrue as I saw people praying and absolving themselves in the same place they threw their trash. Up until last week I thought that going to the bathroom was a private activity. I now understand clearly that was my own judgment as people all over India and Nepal used the side of the road, in front of God and everybody, as their personal toilet.  

I am writing this without judgement. In fact I write this with a sense of awe and reverence. There are people all over the world living life in a very different fashion then I would and I realized my objections to other ways of life are all self created. My objection is part of an illusion I must have created to make me feel safe or justified. So who would I be if I gave up my righteousness regarding what I think is best or true, and then ultimately knew that I was safe no matter what?

Traveling to India and Nepal gave me an undeniable experience that I make up stories of how to live my life and that what I think is right and true about people or what "should" be, isn't. Simply put; I am making everything up. If I like what I have made up I have the choice to keep it and if I don't I have the choice to change it. 

That feels like ultimate freedom to me. Undeniable power to create the experience I want when I'm in the unknown. This creative, free person is who I am without living in that bogus illusion. I feel more safe than I ever have because (and I only realize this now looking back on how I lived before) part of me always knew it was an illusion but there was a fear of what would happen if the illusion fell apart. 

These realizations have changed my life at such a fundamental level. I have come home, only its no home I have ever known. The surroundings are familiar but the experience is very different. In this home I have the freedom to be and choose what I like and don't like AND be with others who completely disagree and honor their opinions and I love that about me. 

I'm not coming home to California or America (although I deeply appreciate these places in a way I hadn't before) I am coming home to myself. To a place inside of me I never knew existed and always longed to be connected to.  The joy of coming home to this place in me is real, familiar and magic.