Telling The Truth About the Lies I Beleive

 “The weight of lies will bring you down

And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere”

I am not sure what the Avett Brothers had in mind when they wrote those words but they sing to me this week. I’m not talking about “telling a lie” as in, I know it’s not true but I say it anyway. I am talking about something more lethal than that. I am referring to the lies we believe and when they are unexamined we hold them as truth.

For example, Lindon (pictured left, Mr. Handsome, my husband) and I are planning this trip to India and Nepal for our honeymoon. I have taken responsibility for this trip. I have organized the travel, moved the process forward on our passports and visas, researched and purchased all the necessities for our travel, etc.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly stressed with all that needed to get done for the trip (we are leaving in 7 days!) and I was expressing my frustration to Lindon and trying to find the lie that I was believing that was causing these feelings.

He was asking me questions to help me get perspective and all of a sudden I felt myself get irritated with him. He was asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to and I was really starting to feel anger rise in me. At that moment I casually mentioned, “I want to fight with you. I am about to say something unkind because I have an urge to yell and I want you to be angry too.”

Lindon, being the gift he is in my life, replied, “Let it go then. Yell, shout, whatever it takes to move you through this.”

Before he finished his sentence, I could already feel the feelings dissipate. 

None of my thoughts were substantiated in reality. I was worrying about the future (which obviously hasn’t happened) and criticizing what I have already done based on what I know now that I didn’t know back then.

When I said I wanted to fight, while my husband was trying to help me become clear, I got that what I wanted to do was so far removed from what was really happening in the moment that it became easy for me to find the lie. Several in fact! I was believing the following lies:  “This is all up to me,” “Lindon is too busy, I don’t want to bother him,”  “Lindon doesn’t care like I do about this stuff,” “I didn’t research well enough to have this be easy,” “I should have known better,” etc.

Up until that moment where I acknowledged that I wanted a fight, these thoughts felt true.

So I have had to tell the truth about the situation to change my feelings. The truth is, but not limited to the following:

I never had a conversation with Lindon discussing who would take care of what by when for our honeymoon. I (unconsciously) assumed responsibility, preventing the possibility of collaboration. 

Words can not describe how much I appreciate this project. It makes me mindful, forcing the lies to surface more frequently.  I don’t believe them very long. The more habitually I catch them, tell the truth about them and shift my feelings based on the truth the freer I am to create what I want because I am present to what is happening right in front of me. 

When I set out to do this project I made it my intention to live a life of peace and fulfillment. A life where my thinking is in alignment with what is true. What I didn’t realize at the beginning is how many lies I believe and how habituated I am to believe them.

This project invites me to look at what is "dark" in me. I have been more uncomfortable in the last 63 days then I have been this consistently, ever.

I find this very exciting because I am interpreting this experience as the dark before the dawn. I can sense a momentum building as I go deeper into this project and deeper into myself.

The next piece that will really propel me forward is what the Avett Brothers wrote in their song about, “When you run make sure you run to something and not away from.” I can see that I am still running away from the lies. I am running away from what I don't like about me. I haven’t created a structure in my thinking to run towards the truth.

 
If I really want to have lasting change then I need to establish an emotionally compelling vision of who I am with out the thought: I should have known better.  A vision of who I can be when I find myself believing what isn’t true. In essence, what part of me am I running towards?

As I read over this post, I get the sense that I am running towards the part of me that loves learning and growing, the part of me that is inspired to be my very best self because of the love I feel for those around me. I am moving into the part of me that appreciates how wonderful my life already is and looking for ways to find out just how good life can be because if I find out I can share it with everyone. 

What better place to crystallize this vision then in India and Nepal? What better time then now?