Because I Said I Would

Ok. I am going to let you in on a little secret. I mean it’s about time that I tell you the secret to living a happy life. You only have to do three things and they are very simple.

These actions are readily available to everyone:

1) Be impeccable with your word

2) Be a pleasure to be around

3) Always do your best

That’s it. If you do those three things you will be unbelievably happy.

Ok… so it’s simple but not easy.

For example; be impeccable with your word? I understand that AND yet there always seems to be so much that gets in the way. I know that my life is only as successful as my ability to keep my word but I said I was going to write a book and that’s hard. I mean, who knows how to do that anyway? Only really brilliant people get published! Who am I to think I have anything to say? I am just some chick with a blog. I am only a “self proclaimed” conscious girl… no one else calls me that. Who would want to read what I have to say anyway. I mean I know some people do but they are just really sweet. They do that out of the kindness of their hearts… not because it’s interesting. They are friends and family who love me. No one else in the world… Bleckhh… ok I am done brain dumping.

Case in point. The above is what makes keeping my word so difficult. The mind can come up with so many reasons (excuses, justifications) for why not to do something. In fact if you read though the above stream of consciousness they all read as facts. If I never questioned this litany of assumptions I could conceivably live my life under the cloud of self-doubt. My greatest fear is that I believe these inaccuracies and live half alive or what I call Walking Dead. The cause of death is soul murder in the first degree of not pursing to our dreams.

One way I ensure that never happens is by raising the bar. I believe that if I want to see what I am made of I must commit to something I have never done before and keep my word no matter what! Knowing the mind, a.k.a the harbinger of doom, will try to stop me by any means necessary because it perceives this new territory as a threat. When this happens I meditate on the messages I am receiving from my mind.  For example; as I sort through the thoughts above I realize there is a theme: I don’t think anyone would care or find interest in my writing.

Ok…why am I preoccupied with that? Consciously I know that I enjoy writing, this process helps me get clear on the thinking that holds me back and the steps I need to take to move beyond those thoughts. I share it on the off chance that it will serve someone else, so why am I worried about others being interested?

So I meditated on this question. In meditation I connect to a quiet, powerful, internal wisdom and I trust this intelligence unequivocally.

The conversation went like this:

Me: “Why am I so worried about people being interested in my book?”

Internal Wisdom (IW): “Because you are not ready to experience your greatness”

Me: “Uhhh… F*&% you.. Yes I am!” (Ok maybe not unequivocally)

IW: “You are too afraid of separating from the people you love. You think that if people read it and don’t like it you will lose them.”

Me: “Ahhh you are right!”

Instantly, I thought of seeing friends over the holidays. I went to dinner with a group of friends and they invited a couple I had met in passing but never had enough time to really get to know directly. I had always liked this couple so I was very excited when I heard they were joining us. I sat at the table across from the wife, eager to have some time to talk with her. The second she asked me what I do for a living I panicked. What if she doesn’t get it? What if she doesn’t like it? So I quickly told her in the most vague way I could dream up and my girlfriend, overhearing the conversation, says, “It’s weird right? We always poke fun at her.” Which at first I heard as, “her work is weird” and upon further reflection I realized what she was saying was that I make it sound weird.

I think that if I like something that people don’t like they won’t like me. So I am always measuring others, assessing what they feel comfortable with and what they don’t feel comfortable with so I know what I can share and what I should keep to myself. This is a behavior I will gladly give up.

The truth is, as I think about this, the real separation will be from my fear of not fitting in, being liked, or feeling included. I may share things that make others uncomfortable and up until now I have been willing to forego connecting to what I love for fear others won’t love me.  

The subtle nuance to be aware of here is that I have been saying, “I don’t want to make others uncomfortable” which sounds very respectable and kind. It is never my intention to cause discomfort and I am using it as an excuse not to share what I love.  How do I know it will make someone uncomfortable until I share my thoughts? I am the one uncomfortable with the fear of loss and I am coming up with excuses to substantiate the lie that if I say what I like people will leave me.

This thought holds me back from keeping my word and inviting others into what I love and what I feel passionate about. Thus leaving me feeling, at times, alone and panicked, creating what I fear. Now that I have this awareness the game will be to catch myself censoring what I say, seeing the fear that drives that behavior, taking a moment to get connected to what really matters and then sharing it. Leaving the results to be judged by others.

Some may not like it, some may be confused by it, some may get angry and argue it AND I am willing to experience that if it means I find one more person who shares my love for self-discovery and personal growth. In fact if I never find someone else who shares my love for it, I will look back at the end of my life and know I never held back. I will rest assured that I relentlessly perused my dreams and shared it with all that I crossed my path. Why... Because I said I would.