Who Am I?

I have seen the above picture several times on Facebook and Instagram and it always catches my attention. Every time I consider the message and think about the labels I give myself.  I think of the names I call myself and the opinion I have about how I show up in the world.

I have attended various workshops where the focus was to create an “I am” statement to live by and in the process see how that statement is true about who I am. I have created elaborate and eloquent statements such as the following:

“I am a conscious, passionate woman dedicated to furthering the growth of myself and others”

“I am a change agent, bringing people together to create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable”

“I am a courageous leader; living whole heartedly while exploring what’s possible and expressing my fullest potential now”

Yes, I have attended three different workshops where we deliberately created “I am” statements and I must say I left each event feeling a little deflated. I can’t be fooled; I can look at each of the above statements and give at least three examples in the last 24 hours where I was none of the above. Perhaps the one constant is that I am a woman. At least with that statement my mind does not seem to find an argument.

The trick to this whole “I AM” process is what I believe. If I do not believe the above statements then what good is it of me to say them over and over again? In fact I can see myself at times proving that the above is NOT true, which is counter to the direction I want to move towards. Ugh.

So rather than trying to train my brain to believe something that it rejects out of hand I am curious about what I already believe is true about me.

For example, a few weeks ago someone I really admire asked me a simple question in a supportive context and it left me rattled. I was spooked for a few days, spinning on the implication of my answer.  This one question left me feeling completely jilted by my mentor, riddled with self-doubt.

Now up until the time of the question I had been feeling really great about myself. I was producing results at work that made me feel proud. Lindon and I were having a blast in our new home. I was meditating regularly and taking time to sit outside and listen. I even started my book. I had written the purpose/introduction as well as the table of contents- outlining each chapter. I felt healthy, productive and vital. It was wonderful!  

So what was the question that put my mind on tilt?

Here it is; my mentor asked, “Do you actually believe the stuff you write or are you trying to convince yourself it’s true?”

My answer was simple and honest, “I believe it when I do and I like to think that is more often then not.”

But man, I left that conversation in bad shape. I felt I was having an identity crisis. What do I believe? What can I expect from myself to remain constant no matter what the circumstance? I thought, “I am spouting ideals that I don’t live by thoroughly. I am a fraud. People must think I’m a liar.”

I felt embarrassed and ashamed and lost and sad. I had thoughts of packing everything up and moving to a place where no one knew me so I could start all over. I abandoned my book idea, I thought to engage in it would be a self-important and indulgent stroke to my suffering self-esteem. I felt disheartened AND yet I chose to keep going in my endeavors.

I worked out, I talked with God, I did my work, I loved my husband, I led workshops, I took care of myself, I ate well, I gardened, I connected with my friends, I read, I did my daily posts and I just kept living.

I had really great days, I had not so great days and I realized that the one thing I can rely on is that nothing is constant. Nothing is permanent. Then it dawned on me that I had been asking myself the wrong question. I had been asking myself, “What’s true about me? What about me can I count on?”

Bad question, as it has me go to the past to find the answer and when I look back I can see how every statement is true and not true all at the same time.

A better question is; “How do I want to show up right now? What is my purpose here?” Then I can define who I Am in that moment AND that is only available to me once I discover who I am not. 

I had to allow myself to feel like a fraud and a liar so that I could really understand that is not who I am. I had just had several weeks where I was feeling on top of the world then someone asked me if I believed it and I had to experience my doubt in order to come to what I believe. I believe I can make anything I want true about me when I am conscious enough to choose.

When I thought I needed to be an expert or a leader of some kind, that's when I was a fraud considering my purpose for writing these blogs.  What I want is to document my journey; the good and the bad, the wonderful and the ugly. I want to be reflective of my life and learn from my daily happenings. I want to show how a “normal” life is actually beautiful and extraordinary. I want someone to read my posts and say, “that’s a genuine chick right there, what an interesting way of exploring life.” I write these posts and blogs because every guru out there writes about life looking back on their journey; I’m at the beginning looking forward and recording each step. I want to capture all my different phases on the way to a more enlightened state of being AND if that helps someone else close the gap on their own journey - well even better!

So I would refine the statement indicating “I AM” as the two most powerful words. For me, the most powerful words are “This is who I choose to be right now"  and developing the ability to consciously choose that state of being is the thrilling game of life.

As for the question: Who am I? Who am I not.