Letting Go

I want to start off by saying I can’t stand it when people say, “Just let it go” or “I need to let it go.” What does that mean? Why do we say that? It’s just a form of dismissal either way you look at it.

I’ll speak for myself; if I could just “let it go” I would. It’s not like I have been holding on waiting for your permission to “let it go.”  Am I supposed to fall to my knees and say, “Oh thank GOD you said let it go. Otherwise I would have held on FOREVER! You have freed me!”?

Major pet peeve of mine. Clearly.

With that being said, I would like to let it go. In this case, I would like to let go of the idea that what I have to say is stupid. I came to the conclusion long ago that what I like and what I think will make me unpopular.

Up until recently this has been an unconscious belief that has run below the surface and effected most of my behavior. I learned it in grade school, where all of a sudden I became very aware that there were cool kids and not cool kids on the playground. I remember the loneliness of not being liked. I didn’t have the cool clothes, I didn’t have the cool ideas, and to top it off I wanted to do things the cool kids didn’t want to do! So at the ripe old age of 7 I made the decision to do what it takes to be cool. Simply put I would do what the cool kids do. What I didn’t realize was that I also made the decision that what I think and feel is not cool, so I need to hide those thoughts at all costs.

A lot of benefits came from this decision. I became particularly cool, I had a lot of friends and I developed the ability to read people and what was important to them. I also have a knack for matching people energetically, for asking questions about what someone is interested in, and I have a genuine willingness to try everything at least once. I am the best playmate because I can mirror back your enthusiasm for whatever you love.

These are surely good qualities to have. I am going to keep them as I let go of the problematic qualities that developed out of this belief. Which are as follows: I minimize any conversation about me and what I am up to, I avoid letting someone know what I like in fear they will dislike it (and dislike me by extension), I abdicate any decision making to my partner or playmate because I think they will feel stuck in whatever lame idea I offer.

I know this may seem unlikely from someone who writes a blog about her personal experiences and yet when I am belly to belly with another person I find a way to match them and I hide myself by finding out what interests them most. I have mastered this so well I even know how to tailor what I am saying so that it will be accepted by those I am around. 

I am happy to let all of this go especially since I can feel the pain of this now.

Recently I ended working with one of my clients. While reflecting on my part in our separation I could see how I held back my true thoughts and feelings. I didn’t feed back to her what I was hearing in our conversations for fear she would leave. Well this is how I create what I fear: I held back which means she didn’t receive the value and she has moved on to find the growth she was looking for somewhere else. This is painful for so many reasons AND I am mostly sad because I didn’t serve someone to the best of my ability. Perhaps the only way I could learn that lesson was to lose someone I care about.

Now that I have this new awareness I can also see how I am holding back in conversations all over my life. I hold back in talking to my girlfriends, my family, with new people I meet. The more I see it the more scared I become. I am overwhelmed by how pervasive this seems to be.  

So how do I just let it all go?

Well first of all I don’t believe it happens in one decision. It happens after repetitive experiences of catching myself holding back and pushing myself to say what is true for me in that moment no matter what I am afraid will happen.

SO here I go. The truth of the way I feel right now:

I am pissed that I can’t just let it go. I hate every stupid, cutesy picture with a lame quote about “Opening your heart and letting go.” It’s just not that easy. It takes day-in-day-out conscious choices, over and over and over again until it is so engrained in my brain that I show up and speak my truth.

OH and that’s another thing…. Speak my truth?!? What does that mean? My truth is always changing and I would rather find a higher truth. I typically hear “I was just speaking my truth” after someone says something offensive as if it excuses you for being a jerk. There is no responsibility in that and it excuses nothing.

The truth is I don’t know how to do this and I am scared. I am scared I am going to be disliked. I am afraid I will be lonely. I am afraid I will be outcast. I am afraid people will think I am weird. I am afraid I wont know what I am talking about. I am afraid I will make a mess of my relationships and lose people I love. I'm afraid I will feel stupid. 

And yet, I will not stop. 


Letting it go.... please... I think the process will be more like riding this bike...