A New Year's Resolution

2014 was an unbelievable year! I completed three #101Days projects that taught me so much about who I am and what I am capable of creating. I am not sure about anyone else but I can honestly say I am amazed at my own complexities and my wonderfully dynamic being. Looking back on the last year I marvel at how much I didn’t know about myself. Answering questions such as, “What is important to me?” and “Why is it important to me?” have at times left me down right baffled. I had to sift through so many layers of “I should do...”, “People expect me to…” and “I couldn’t do that because…”. In my mind those statements sounded like facts, unquestioned as the absolute truth AND with the help of these projects, the support of my conscious community and my loving husband I have been able to dismantle what I believed to be true to find what actually is true.

Byron Katie says, “Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” Which is true… but only 100%of the time. The challenge is: am I aware of the story I am telling myself? This process of discerning my story from reality is more multifaceted than I had realized and discovering all the ways I paint reality is like opening gifts on Christmas. Each new finding unlocks the potential of living a life of total freedom. Where there was once a dead end there is now the beautiful opportunity to choose whatever I want. Is there anything more fun in life? For me... no. I love living this way. I love exploring all the possibilities of myself and for myself and LOVE LOVE LOVE sharing that with others!

Another important lesson I learned was that not everyone wants to live that way.  This used to make me really sad but then I put it into perspective. Not everyone wants to be a CPA, nor does everyone want to be a doctor and I must say I am very grateful for the CPAs and doctors in my life. What we all have in common (Warning: I am not sure this is true and it is a thought I enjoy so I choose not to challenge it ;) is that we are all uniquely gifted and talented and those qualities will lead us to where we want to be if we choose to follow what we love to do.

Luckily, for me there are many people in the world who do love to explore the depths of their being. Some people use it as a tool to create the life they want, some people are interested in a spiritual awakening, some people just want to make sense of themselves. Whatever the reason people choose to develop themselves and explore their potential I deeply appreciate. Nothing makes me happier than being in that experience with someone and sharing it with him or her.

Needless to say I love these projects and I want to continue to do them in 2015, however, I think it is time for a shift. I am ready to commit my entire year to a goal these last projects helped me identity.

In 2015, I am writing a book (and I want to have it published by the Institute of Noetic Sciences)! I believe that writing a book will serve as a way to expand my reach and find more people who love self-exploration or who don’t even know it is a possibility in their lives yet. I also think that the message I promote helps some people in some way that I can’t begin to quantify or qualify AND having that message in the world is important to me.  Also, I know I will learn a ton about myself whether I succeed or fail, so it’s a win no matter what!

I have no idea where to start, or how to do this, so I will need support. I will enroll a mentor and I will handle all my objections to moving forward. I will document this journey through instagram, tumblr, facebook and this blog.  

It was only last December that I was afraid to write a blog and put my thoughts out into the world to be judged by others and now I am excited about writing a book and building a community of people in support of the Human Potential Movement. I wonder what else is possible?

May you all go out and create everything you want in 2015. May you experience health, happiness and abundance like never before. May you always go boldly in the direction of your dreams. I am so grateful for the support you have given me in going after mine. Happy New Year!

Oh and welcome to #365DaysofAnythingisPossible 

Being Silently Drawn

Mother Teresa said, “A life not lived for others is not a life” and Albert Einstein said, “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile” and after completing #101DaysofKindness I can honestly say that I have experienced the truth in these statements. The experience of joy I felt leaving gifts in public places to be found by a perfect stranger knowing that in some way it would brighten their day was immense, or the thrill I got from finding ways to be kind in the most unlikely situations like when someone was upset and yelling at me or when my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye or when I’m just having a funky butt day. This project gave me a sense of happiness and creativity I have never experienced before.

However, with all due respect to Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein, I must admit I believe their statements are incomplete. It doesn’t paint the whole picture; at least it doesn’t for me. I’ll explain.

Towards the end of the project I felt like giving up on life. I had fantasies about running away to a far away land, cutting up my credit cards and I.D., throwing my phone out of the window as I rode off into the sunset never to be seen again. The last two months of this project I protested almost everything in my life; writing these posts, doing random acts of kindness, my work, my friends, even my marriage. I wanted to burn everything down and start all over.

Seems pretty dramatic, huh? Well my mind was certainly acting up and trying to get my attention so I watched it. I didn’t do anything I listed above, in fact, in most cases I did the opposite. I told my husband and my friends how I was feeling. I asked my co-workers to humor me as I got creative and started to restructure my job and what I do during the day. I kept doing random acts of kindness above and beyond what I would normally do daily. All the while my mind screaming, “Get Me Out Of HERE!”

I believe that our feelings are something that we should act on, not act out. With that in mind, I continued to listen to my thoughts and tried to interpret the messages I was receiving in a way that facilitated my Mission and purpose in life: to bring people together and create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable.

I started to ask myself questions; “What in my life needs to end or change?” “With what I want to accomplish, is there anything holding me back?” and “What do I want that I don’t have right now?”

That’s when I realized that I had slipped back into old behavior. I was living for others and forgot about what I wanted. The truth is, I wanted others to do this with me. When I started this project I envisioned creating a movement of people joining me in the kindness project but… I didn’t do anything to really make that happen. In that vision was an assumption that people would ask about it and want to join on their own accord. (Yes, all of you were supposed to invite yourselves into my project. Aren’t you mind readers yet?)

Looking back on my dramatic thinking I realize I was having a reaction to the idea that “no one wants to play with me” (Because if they did want to play with me they would ask me… all while I’m not asking them…yes, you see it now… this makes no sense!).  Which, I set up perfectly. I created what I feared because I didn’t share what I wanted. If I want others to join me I need to invite them and not just once, over and over and over again.

Not only that but my random acts of kindness were limited to what I could do by myself, which mostly left me feeling uninspired.

The happiest I felt during this project was when I invited others to share in the giving; when my husband walked around with me in the middle of the night putting cards on people’s cars, or when my friend Claudine and her kids spent an afternoon slipping notes and gift cards in people’s shopping carts. My Mission is to bring people together and although being kind was fun it didn’t bring me complete fulfillment until I invited others to join me!

Being kind is wonderful and the feeling associated with giving is very powerful AND I feel most alive when I include others in my life. Especially, when I share experiences with others where we push ourselves beyond what we would normally think to do.

Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein were great humanitarians and loved living for others. They were shining examples of their word. However, I would humbly change their sentiment: If it is in your heart to live for others, do so, or you will find your life is not worthwhile. Not all of us are great humanitarians and we are not supposed to be. I believe we are meant to do what we love, what we feel passionate about. 

Now you can call me selfish if you like. That’s ok, I am (Who isn’t?). I used to think that being selfish was a problem. I thought I should be completely selfless and “live for others” like Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein believed.  I used to think that if I didn’t live for others no one would want to be with me. Living for others is a beautiful thing and I like myself when I act to the benefit of others, ultimately it is an activity I enjoy. However the be-all end-all for me, the activity that brings fulfillment in my life and makes my life worth living is sharing experiences with others, bringing people together for something greater then ourselves.

I love quotes and exploring their meaning in my life. I can see now that Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein helped me realize something very valuable: living for others is not my purpose in life, trying to live that way is disingenuous and shortsighted for me. Creating a community of people looking to explore what’s possible and see what they are truly made of really thrills me.

So as you and I set off into the New Year, to create the life we truly want, think of this quote by Rumi “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

I intend to do exactly that and I can’t wait to share with you what I discover! 

Shame

Wow. Well, this one crept in unnoticed and unexpected. Who knew that in a project dedicated to kindness that shame would be such a large component to consider?

My mom used to say, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” and to be completely honest with you I NEVER understood what she meant by that. However, in reflection I see how it makes perfect sense with what I am dealing with right now.

Berne Brown says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” So coupling that with what my mom said the converse is true as well. As we start to amplify the positive emotions we amplify the painful emotions… and actually that is not completely true either. A more true statement is: when we amplify our positive emotions we amplify the possibility for painful emotions to arise as well.

So a way to think about this is if I am NEVER willing to have a broken heart then I will not be able to fully fall in love. When I fall in love I must be willing to have a broken heart. It does not guarantee that I will but if I were never willing to be brokenhearted I would never have the chance to be in love.

Capisce?

Enough with theory… here is my connection to shame and kindness.

So as I have enthusiastically barreled down the road of expressing kindness in every encounter I have simultaneously filled my heart with joy. I realized the delicate difference between being polite and being kind and the impact that can have on someone. I also experienced the thrill of leaving kindness behind for someone to find while disconnecting from the outcome of knowing if or how it impacted someone’s life. I have been more deliberate in expressing appreciation and have engaged in a level of creativity to express gratitude in ways I never have before now. My heart is SO full it has expanded to fill the entirety of my body, pushing up and out against my skin.

This has been, as my good friend Lisa always says, a “yummy” experience. With my heart so close to the surface, it is more susceptible to being touched; for both pain and joy.

Now, shame has crept into my consciousness and I must say I never expected this feeling to show up in my life. In my first project of #101DaysOfAwakening I realized that I separated myself from people for fear of getting hurt and feeling heart broken. So I decided to deliberately create a project that forced me to connect, which was my next project #101DaysOfConnection. However, during that process I realized how slick my mind was; I brilliantly went through the motions of reaching out but did not emotionally connect. That led me to kindness; acting in kindness is a very emotional connection for me. I feel love and gratitude with every act and I feel it deeply. There are also times where I feel hopeful that these acts of kindness will help the recipient. I hope that it will alleviate their pain and suffering in some way. 

Since I started this project I have felt many times tied to the outcome of the kindness and deeply sad and ashamed because it did not work out the way I wanted.

As I have investigated this feeling I realize that I am disappointed in myself for not being able to help people like I want. In my perfect world I would be able to save people from their own suffering. I would have superhuman powers to bless all those in pain and take it all away.

I shared this with a friend and he kindly smiled and said, “If you try to be the God for other people they never get to have their own experience of God.”

I conceptually understand that statement, however, I just don’t feel good about not being able to control the suffering of others. The immature and underdeveloped part of myself feels shame for not being able to do what I should be able to do. I am supposed to make a difference and I have given myself impossible criteria to meet in order to do that.

As a kid I always felt responsible for my little brother. I thought that if I were good he would be happy and my parents would be happy with me. I thought that if I could get him to behave everything would be OK and everyone would be happy. As a kid I truly thought I had the power to do all of this and I have kept this idea with me into my adulthood. 

No wonder I have protected myself from emotionally connecting. If I had let myself connect I would have had to feel the shame of not being able to save someone else...no thank you!

Important lesson: There is a subtle and profound difference between saving and supporting.

So now that I recognize the belief that is running underneath the surface I will make this an opportunity to grow.

The amazing opportunity in this situation is to own all of my thoughts and fears around helping others so I can bring it up to my awareness and make a different choice and feel something different. I want to nurture the part of me that wants to support and lay to rest the part of me that wants to save.

So here is my intention as I move forward in this process:  

I am tender and loving to the part of me that wants to save people and make a difference. It comes from a pure and loving place. I will honor that part of me and continue to look for ways to give and be kind to others. I let go of the outcome and I trust that no matter what happens it will ultimately lead to us all to finding our way home.

I embrace, accept and at times celebrate the pain others feel because I know it will lead them to their own resolution, their own empowerment and their own way home. I will lend support in all the ways I am willing and that has me feel awake, alive and conscious.

I meet the shame I feel around this issue with empathy. I cannot save anyone. I cannot make choices for anyone but myself. I allow all my feelings to come up and I am willing to feel the full scale of their cycle. I know on the other side of these feelings is complete and total freedom. On the other side of these feelings is my ability to be completely committed to loving and fully willing to lose. 

I replace my criticism with compassion. I exchange my doubt for faith. I trade my fear for surrender. I choose unconditional love in always, all ways and I start with myself. 

Writing to My Future Conscious Children

Dear Babies,

You are nowhere near existence and yet I dream of you often. Your future father and I talk about you; what you will be like, what will interest you, what we will do together as a family, the values we will live. I dream about what you will look like (God willing you will have your father’s hair), I pray for your health and happiness, and I love you like crazy. You have not come into being and yet the thought of our lives joining one day fills my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to hold your little bodies in my arms and kiss your cheeks. I can’t wait to be put to the ultimate test of being your mother and watching my heart forever walk around outside my body.

I always wanted you and yet I must admit there were times where I said I wasn’t going to have you. That was only because I was scared. Not of childbirth, it was the thought of raising you that scared me most. I wanted the best for you and I looked at myself and thought you deserve better. My behavior and emotional capacity would have led me to be a controlling, stressed out mom. I didn’t want that for you, I wanted to protect you from my inadequacies; I love you too much to pass them down to you.

Which brings me to the purpose of this letter. I want to thank you. I am so grateful for the possibility of you because it has given me the courage to show the world who I really am. In 2009 I realized that I wanted you more then I wanted to live without you and I made the most important decision that changed the trajectory of my life forever. I decided that I wouldn’t let fear stop me from having the things I want, which in turn led me down a path of personal growth, compassion and healing.

When I get scared, you always come to mind and I ask myself, “Would I be proud to pass this down?” It gives me great clarity, as it makes the questions easy to answer.

Today I had to make a really scary decision that impacts someone I care about. I decided to stay true to my values and ask them to leave my life. Staying together only served the illusion that I was helping or being kind.

Sometimes we have to do what is uncomfortable and trust that everything will work out because it always does. As long as your intention is pure you can do no harm.

I am happy to pass that on to you. I can honestly say that a year ago I would have compromised my values to serve the illusion.  There is nothing in this world you can’t handle. A few years ago I wasn’t so sure of that and as I write you now I know it for certain.

You will feel pain, you will feel heart ache, you may suffer and I trust you will land on your feet. I trust your journey will lead you to exactly where you need to be and you will be wonderful because of it. Although I am sure I will always want to protect you from hurts, and I will jump in from time to time. I promise I will not protect you from life.

I will not protect you from my inadequacies because there are none. I am a perfectly imperfect human being with a kind soul and a lot of love for you. You deserve life. The full scale of it, beauty and terror, and part of the joy of being your mother is the dance I will do balancing giving you guidance and getting out of your way.

I was motivated to take this journey because of you and it has me feel free. It is because of this journey that I realized that I wasn’t really protecting you from me, I was protecting myself from the potential pain I would feel if anything ever happened to you. It is because of this journey that I know that whatever the outcome of your life, I will be ok. I always am and I won’t trade one moment of loving you to protect myself from the possibility of pain.

A lot of these lessons I learned, by the way, come from your future father. He is one brilliant man AND he is the greatest partner in the world for me. I am extremely happy to pass that on to you. Our love, mutual respect, and honesty will be a great foundation for you. We laugh a lot together, we cry together and we sing and dance together. I am sure you will enjoy your time with us and I look forward to seeing whom you choose as a mate. My parents set an amazing example for me, as did your father’s, so you come from a good long line of loving couples. I look forward to seeing how your love story unfolds.

You will be here in the next few years and thanks to your inspiration I am doing everything to prepare for your arrival. Taking good care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually just like my mom did for me.

Love you endlessly in all ways, always,

Mom  

Insane Courage

First of all I have to say I am SO proud of myself. Second of all I have to say that it feels SO weird

to say that but it is true! I feel like a 2 year old kid, completely delighted with myself, wanting to raise my hands in the air and shout, “I did it!” Then I imagine everyone will look at me with a big smile on their face and applaud. Which
I will like and appreciate but it doesn’t feel as good as my own self-satisfaction. “I did it!”

That is what focusing on being kind feels like for me. For the last 20+ days I have loved focusing on what I can give, how I can serve, what surprise I can leave behind and each day I have a moment of complete self-satisfaction because I did it! In most cases people will never know that it was me, I won’t receive a reward or any public recognition. I simply get the joy of knowing I put something benevolent in the world for someone to enjoy and it brings me pure thrill.

Now I have a judgment about the above and I will save that for another blog post because this post is about what I learned about kindness that blew me away.

Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deft can hear and blind can see.” I whole-heartedly agree. I believe that kindness is a very powerful force that breaks down walls and moves beyond limits. It makes the impossible possible because it is a connective energy that brings out the best in all of us. Kindness makes us feel safe so that we are free to create and dream and collaborate.

Its power is undeniable AND I can shove it to the background because of other beliefs that seem more important in the moment. 

For example, the notion of being “polite,” can override acting in kindness.

Let me explain; when my mom died I was devastated but I didn’t want my sadness to burden anyone. Friends would call and ask to come and see me and I would turn them down. They would ask if I needed anything and I would tell them I was fine. I hid from the world thinking I was being polite by not putting my sadness on anyone else. I was being considerate of others feelings and shielding them from my sorrow.

One day a girlfriend called me and asked if she could come see me and I again, politely turned her down. However, she didn’t listen to me. She showed up at my doorstep with flowers and a hug and I still think about that day and I tear up. I am so moved that she was brave enough, loving enough and kind enough to not listen to me. She wanted to connect and refused to be shut out. She was hurting that I was hurting and wanted to hug me.  I am forever grateful for that kindness.

Fast forward to today, my girlfriend who used to have cancer is going through chemo. She is an extremely consciousgirl and engages the people around her to create a loving flow of kindness. People are constantly stopping by, offering food, hugs, blankets, sharing joy, laughs and connection. My friend is Jewish and the synagogue she belongs to has an entire system of sending bread and care packages to her front door via a rotating group of volunteers.

I asked my friend about this practice and she told me that in the Jewish faith, if some one is in need, the community will not put the person in a position to ask for assistance, they just give without request. No one politely called her and asked her if she wanted them to bring bread (giving her the opportunity to turn them down) they just show up.

I had the benefit of staying with her the week after one of her chemo treatments, which is her toughest time physically. Her body is pushed to the max trying to regulate and incorporate all the alien substances flooding her system. It exhausts her so she and her husband set up a system so that she is never alone or in need. They opened time slots where people assign themselves to come over and just hang with her, or sit next to her while she sleeps and they bring chicken soup.

It seems so opposite from my experience with my mom. My mom had a ton of friends and family but she really only wanted to be around the majority of them when she was feeling well. The family came together and took care of my mom but I felt isolation. Even when I went out with friends I didn’t want to talk about what was happening with my mom and I told myself I was being thoughtful not to burden them with my troubles… but honestly I was afraid.

I was afraid people would get tired of my situation and me. I was afraid I would burden my friends and they wouldn’t want to be my fiends anymore. I was unconsciously, with all the best intentions, being “polite,” which was just a smoke screen for my fear.

So here is the conclusion I came to about kindness:

·      Sometimes kindness isn’t polite, it may seem counter intuitive or pushy. But be bold, it has extreme pay offs (be aware that you may not know when or how)  

·      When someone is in need, help them

·      When someone is starting to isolate, go connect

·      When someone tells you they can’t do it, don’t believe them

·      When someone points out what doesn’t work, point out what does

·      When someone says they don’t have the time or money to do the things in life that are really important to them… DON’T BUY IT

I am learning that giving kindness can be awkward, insistent, intrusive, and maybe even down right rude. At least I am afraid it will be perceived that way… 

…And maybe it will! SO what! I would rather be kind by sucking up my nervousness and telling someone they are beautiful or that I see something speial in them than to be polite and hold my tongue with the possibility that no one has ever said that to them.

I would rather be courageous and tell someone that they are capable of way more than they think and get hung up on than courteously agree that they can’t do what makes them happy for the sake of getting along.

I would rather lovingly show up at a friend’s house when she is in need and have her turn me away than respectfully believe she is fine and leave her alone when she was just being polite.

I would rather take the risk and know I did all that I could do to live a courageously kind life than to hide under the guise of being well mannered and courteous. Someone did it for me and it moved me deeply. In gratitude, I choose to pay it forward to all those who cross my path.  

The Ripple Effect

The other day I was out on a walk, picking up trash, per usual. However, on this particular day there was A LOT of trash. I was stuffing loose papers in my pockets; I had bottles and cans tucked under my arms and loose cardboard in stacks in my hands. I was getting towards the end of my walk when a car pulled over right next to me. The man in the passenger seat held something out of the window for me. At first glance it looked like a wadded up napkin. I thought, “Oh come on... is this guy seriously handing me more trash?!” As I walked closer I saw that it was a wadded up plastic bag, the kind in a grocery store. This perfect stranger held it out and said, “Will this help? Thank you for picking up the trash.”

I almost cried. I was shocked, pleased and so grateful. I took the bag, filled it and I gave him a hug through the window. I thanked him and waved goodbye and told him to have a glorious day!

That simple kindness and brief encounter has stuck with me. Truth is, if you asked me to pick these guys out of a line-up I wouldn’t be able to point them out AND they made my day! I am so grateful for them and their generous spirit.

As I walked back to the house with a huge smile on my face I thought about what I learned in #101DaysofConnection.

I learned that there are invisible lines of connection that bind our hearts together so whenever we can share joy it’s doubled! Whenever we share sorrow it’s divided. We can accomplish great things when we come together.

Think about every major tragedy, the aftermath is always so inspiring to me. We band together and create volunteer organizations, outreach programs, fundraisers, etc. I have to say I am grateful for what follows a tragedy because of the love and support that we share with perfect strangers. In fact, usually my efforts are sent to an area I have never been before and are to the benefit of people I will never meet.

So why do I do it? Because I care and ultimately putting that energy out in the world makes me feel good about me. It makes me feel like I am doing the work of something greater. My very conscious girlfriend Kari says, “My God is one of restoration. One who dives in, gets dirty, and heals…I feel my faith is strongest and most real when I see his work in the aftermath. Where people come together, crying in each other’s arms, shining hope and love even in the darkest of times.”

I think she is right AND I also think it doesn’t take a tragedy to come together in that way. I am now experiencing love and hope for someone who handed me a plastic bag. These feelings and this ability to support my neighbor is not relegated to when times are tough… I mean let's face it… when are times NOT tough for someone? Sometimes our struggles are public, along with others in the community but who hasn’t experienced some kind of struggle on their own in their life in the last day? We all have our own private battles every day. We are all in this together. I am in to double joy and divide sorrow whenever possible.  

As I walk in the house it becomes very clear to me: I want to perform random acts of kindness every day! I want to love and support the people around me. ALL of them! They are in my life for a reason and I wish to leave them better then when they found me.

Introducing my next project: #101DaysofKindness

The intention of this project is to take time every day to be deliberately and overtly kind to everyone from total strangers to the ones I hold most dear. My intention is to spread love and kindness to all I come in contact with and I look forward to the creativity that comes with looking for a special way to brighten someone else’s day.

I already open doors for people, say hello, smile, etc. So I want to do something above and beyond the normal. Here is a list of ideas I have come up with so far:

-       Stopping someone and telling them what I like about them (I often think about it but never say it)

-       Write letters of appreciation for the server when I go out to lunch or dinner

-       Volunteer at a nursing home, sing songs, hold hands

-       Leave a generous donation for my Yoga instructor

-       Buy coffee for the person behind me in line at the coffee shop

-       Look for a need and fill it

-       Bring cookies to my neighbors

-       Send flowers to the people in the office next to us

-       Organize a coat drive

-       Organize a food drive

-       Send a care package to a soldier over seas

-       Ask how the people at the check out line in the grocery store are doing

-       Leave surprises for my co-workers in their desks

Who knows what the day will bring and what else I can create in the moment. I am open to seeing what the day presents and then using that as an opportunity to respond with kindness.

In order to support myself in the project I will commit to the following for myself:

ONCE A DAY:

- As many overt random acts of kindness I can create

- 45 minutes quiet morning time of walking, writing, or meditating

- Daily instagram post on my random act of kindness

- TV and computer off at 9:30pm

- Gratitude journal

ONCE A WEEK:

-       2 Hour Artist Date (time alone to explore other possibilities for kindness)

-       Blog Post

-       2 yoga sessions

-       3 cardio sessions (If I don’t have my health what do I have to give?)

I am SO excited about this! I can’t wait to share my stories! However, there is one thing I ask: Will you join me? You certainly don’t have to do 101 random acts of kindness. Just do one deliberately, consciously and tell me about it. In fact if you would like to be featured on my blog nothing would thrill me more than to share your story of kindness.

We are all connected and that makes me feel an awesome sense of responsibility. If you share the same values and want to play I would love to play with you! Let’s create a ripple effect of love and joy that reaches farther than we can imagine and leaves an impact that lasts forever.

So I'm in... are you?

Following The Invisble Lines That Bring Us Home

As I reflect on #101DaysofConnection I have to laugh. I started this project as a way to overcome my fear of loss. I thought that if I felt more connected I wouldn’t feel the impact of loss so deeply. I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much when I, or someone I love, felt pain because I would be overwhelmed by the connection we have and my appreciation for that connection would overtake or minimize any hurt.

It makes me think of my friend Patrick’s family. When I was 18 years old my friend Patrick died. He was a healthy 18 year old, going to college and one day he leaned over to tie his shoes to go for a run and he fell over dead. No reason, no cause. It was as if God reached down and plucked his soul from of his body.

The funeral was so emotional, people were sad, understandably, but they were angry too. How could this happen? It was SO unfair! He was a healthy, kind man; he didn’t deserve to go so soon. Everyone had an edge to them except for Patrick’s parents who seemed so calm. They were of course heartbroken, grieving the loss of their son but they knew God had a plan. They knew this was the work of something greater than they could comprehend so they let go what wasn’t theirs to figure out and mourned the loss of their son.

Pat’s younger sister had the same state of mind as her parents: sad AND comforted by her faith that something bigger and better was in control. I remember thinking that if my brother died it would wipe me out. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for a year because it would hurt so much.

The truth is that now, after #101DaysofConnection, I got exactly what I intended for.  It's just not that way I thought it was going to happen.

For example, I was reading a post from my friend who had breast cancer had written and she is so inspiring. She has had to make a choice for treatment and her decision making process is truly exemplary.  There are SO many opinions out there of what to do and why, each one condemning the other options for their side effects. Nothing is guaranteed nor can we predict how she will respond to any of this so the conditions for making a decision are, let's say, less then ideal.

So what has she decided to do? Go all the way baby, no holds barred. Her basis for decision-making rested on one question, “What would I do if there was no discomfort or inconvenience involved?" She refuses to make a choice out of fear just to avoid some potential uneasiness or difficulty. She is the kind of person who will never have to question if she did everything in her power to do. I admire that so much about her, this is why I love her and why we are dear friends.

While I was reading about her process and final decision I was so proud, so thrilled. She is Kick Ass! Her attitude is unflappable. I wrote her a note to share my joy and admiration and I then moved on.

Isn’t it amazing that we can be completely at peace in one moment and completely distressed in the very next moment?

The state I entered after experiencing pride and love for my friend is a condition I affectionately describe as, “dropping my sh!t.” I was pissed at how unfair this situation has become! My friend is making decisions she shouldn’t have to make and I am NOT ok with this at ALL! She doesn’t deserve this! And where is God in all this, huh? I know this isn’t punishment or direct cause and effect and my looking back and asking the question “why” doesn’t get me anywhere but F*&K IT! I want some answers!! THIS ISN”T RIGHT!!!

I let myself have my upset, the full scale of it. I cried, I screamed, I wrote it all out, I let it all go and when I was done I went outside, took a few deep breaths, felt the sun on my skin, reminded myself that everything is ok in this moment right now, and went back inside the office to make phone calls. (Yup, I did this in the middle of my work day. Can you imagine doing that in front of all of your co-workers?).

The next day I was in a workshop and I shared my experience from the day before and I realized that I had accomplished my intention for this connection project. I am more connected to my friends, family, body and spirit then every before. My mistake in the beginning was thinking that connecting would shield me from feeling pain, but it does quite the opposite! It makes me more vulnerable to pain and loss.

And the last piece of learning I needed in this project came on day 100 in the workshop where I realized that when I feel the pain and loss I can react to those feelings like Patrick’s family, with faith and love. I do have faith that these people are in my life for a reason and that I am in their life for a reason. Our hearts are bound together by invisible lines of connection and my heart hurts when their heart hurts.

In the past I tried to shut down the connection because I didn’t want to feel the pain but it meant I had to sacrifice deeply connecting and loving others. I could only love them as deeply as I was willing to experience pain. Life will not get easier the more I love and welcome the lines of connection with more and more people. So I will rise to the occasion. I will grow into a person that can handle change and feel grateful to be so connected with the people I love that I hurt when they hurt.

We are all in this together and relationships give us a beautiful opportunity to choose: are we going to quit when things get tough or are we going to do what it takes to stay connected no matter what? If joy shared is joy doubled and shared sorrow is half the sorrow then I want to lean in when my friends and family are in pain so we can cut our sorrow in half. I believe we are handsomely rewarded when we make that choice and I know the people I love would do the same for me. It's just as Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home.” When my heart is open to connection and all the beauty and terror that comes with it I am better able to be a great walking partner, which is all I care to be. 


These projects are so magical! I can’t wait to start my next one on kindness.