Insane Courage

First of all I have to say I am SO proud of myself. Second of all I have to say that it feels SO weird

to say that but it is true! I feel like a 2 year old kid, completely delighted with myself, wanting to raise my hands in the air and shout, “I did it!” Then I imagine everyone will look at me with a big smile on their face and applaud. Which
I will like and appreciate but it doesn’t feel as good as my own self-satisfaction. “I did it!”

That is what focusing on being kind feels like for me. For the last 20+ days I have loved focusing on what I can give, how I can serve, what surprise I can leave behind and each day I have a moment of complete self-satisfaction because I did it! In most cases people will never know that it was me, I won’t receive a reward or any public recognition. I simply get the joy of knowing I put something benevolent in the world for someone to enjoy and it brings me pure thrill.

Now I have a judgment about the above and I will save that for another blog post because this post is about what I learned about kindness that blew me away.

Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deft can hear and blind can see.” I whole-heartedly agree. I believe that kindness is a very powerful force that breaks down walls and moves beyond limits. It makes the impossible possible because it is a connective energy that brings out the best in all of us. Kindness makes us feel safe so that we are free to create and dream and collaborate.

Its power is undeniable AND I can shove it to the background because of other beliefs that seem more important in the moment. 

For example, the notion of being “polite,” can override acting in kindness.

Let me explain; when my mom died I was devastated but I didn’t want my sadness to burden anyone. Friends would call and ask to come and see me and I would turn them down. They would ask if I needed anything and I would tell them I was fine. I hid from the world thinking I was being polite by not putting my sadness on anyone else. I was being considerate of others feelings and shielding them from my sorrow.

One day a girlfriend called me and asked if she could come see me and I again, politely turned her down. However, she didn’t listen to me. She showed up at my doorstep with flowers and a hug and I still think about that day and I tear up. I am so moved that she was brave enough, loving enough and kind enough to not listen to me. She wanted to connect and refused to be shut out. She was hurting that I was hurting and wanted to hug me.  I am forever grateful for that kindness.

Fast forward to today, my girlfriend who used to have cancer is going through chemo. She is an extremely consciousgirl and engages the people around her to create a loving flow of kindness. People are constantly stopping by, offering food, hugs, blankets, sharing joy, laughs and connection. My friend is Jewish and the synagogue she belongs to has an entire system of sending bread and care packages to her front door via a rotating group of volunteers.

I asked my friend about this practice and she told me that in the Jewish faith, if some one is in need, the community will not put the person in a position to ask for assistance, they just give without request. No one politely called her and asked her if she wanted them to bring bread (giving her the opportunity to turn them down) they just show up.

I had the benefit of staying with her the week after one of her chemo treatments, which is her toughest time physically. Her body is pushed to the max trying to regulate and incorporate all the alien substances flooding her system. It exhausts her so she and her husband set up a system so that she is never alone or in need. They opened time slots where people assign themselves to come over and just hang with her, or sit next to her while she sleeps and they bring chicken soup.

It seems so opposite from my experience with my mom. My mom had a ton of friends and family but she really only wanted to be around the majority of them when she was feeling well. The family came together and took care of my mom but I felt isolation. Even when I went out with friends I didn’t want to talk about what was happening with my mom and I told myself I was being thoughtful not to burden them with my troubles… but honestly I was afraid.

I was afraid people would get tired of my situation and me. I was afraid I would burden my friends and they wouldn’t want to be my fiends anymore. I was unconsciously, with all the best intentions, being “polite,” which was just a smoke screen for my fear.

So here is the conclusion I came to about kindness:

·      Sometimes kindness isn’t polite, it may seem counter intuitive or pushy. But be bold, it has extreme pay offs (be aware that you may not know when or how)  

·      When someone is in need, help them

·      When someone is starting to isolate, go connect

·      When someone tells you they can’t do it, don’t believe them

·      When someone points out what doesn’t work, point out what does

·      When someone says they don’t have the time or money to do the things in life that are really important to them… DON’T BUY IT

I am learning that giving kindness can be awkward, insistent, intrusive, and maybe even down right rude. At least I am afraid it will be perceived that way… 

…And maybe it will! SO what! I would rather be kind by sucking up my nervousness and telling someone they are beautiful or that I see something speial in them than to be polite and hold my tongue with the possibility that no one has ever said that to them.

I would rather be courageous and tell someone that they are capable of way more than they think and get hung up on than courteously agree that they can’t do what makes them happy for the sake of getting along.

I would rather lovingly show up at a friend’s house when she is in need and have her turn me away than respectfully believe she is fine and leave her alone when she was just being polite.

I would rather take the risk and know I did all that I could do to live a courageously kind life than to hide under the guise of being well mannered and courteous. Someone did it for me and it moved me deeply. In gratitude, I choose to pay it forward to all those who cross my path.