Everything Will Be Ok In The End

At the end, I wasn't ok. I thought I did everything right to end this project of #101DaysofAwakening and I really didn't like that it was over. 

I looked at my resistance to ending things I love. I discovered my feelings of pain and hopelessness that came with the end. I took time to celebrate what I had done in the first 101 days of 2014 and I was awed by how far I had come and how much I had grown. Yet I was still feeling unsettled about the whole ending process. 

I wanted to move on to the next project AND I needed to find resolution to the conflicted feelings I was having about #101DaysofAwakening. So I sat with it...for two weeks... and then... I got it. I now know how to end this project but let me fill you in on my process. 

When the 101st day came I felt the grief accompanied with the ending. I wanted to do something symbolic to wrap up the process so I took all my pages of processing One Belief Statements  and I reread each statement out loud, said good bye to it and burnt it. I did this process with my husband and when I had burnt the final sheet I told him of my new intention and who I was now that I didn't believe those stressful thoughts. It was a beautiful night, felt free and renewed. I felt totally connected with my husband and deeply in love. The next day I read the intention I had written for this project and I felt I had  nailed it! It was a weekend of great celebration! 

The following week I felt lost. I knew what I wanted to do for the next project AND something felt off about the whole thing I couldn't put my conscious finger on what was causing my discomfort with moving forward. 

Thanks to the #101DaysofAwakening I have learned to pay attention to my feelings. They are signals from my body letting me know that something needs attention. The tricky part to this whole process is that I am developing my ability to interpret these feelings and their meaning.

In the first week I attributed my upset to my new project. It was going to be on #101DaysofYoga. I was going to do 30 minutes of yoga everyday with  focus on spirituality, meditation and deep breathing. I'm glad I objected to that before I committed because I know very little about yoga and to commit to doing it every day to the degree I wanted to for 101 days was absurd. After thinking about it I felt like I was a 5th grader trying to write a dissertation on Marcel Proust. So I revised it. 

I still felt unsettled. My mind was telling me to move forward and that I was feeling antsy because I hadn't committed to anything yet. My mind screamed, "You are getting sloppy, you need structure, just move forward." As you can imagine it was useless listening to my mind so I tuned into my body. I was feeling sad about the end, which was to be expected but there was something else that nagged at me. It was a longing, I yearned for a missing piece and then it hit me. For 101days I ended every day with a gratitude. I need to end this project the same way. 

My first gratitude is to the person who is reading this blog and anyone who has ever read this blog. You have no idea the impact you have had in my life. The thought that some one is out there and cares enough about what I have to say to read these ramblings touches my soul. It motivates me to share, think and process. It is because of you that I am committed to being the best person I can be day in and day out because you (all of you are valuable, loveable and deserve the very best of me. Thank you for the constant inspiration and being a gift in my life.

Next I long to express my gratitude to my dear friend Marian. She is the biggest risk taker I know. She is fully committed to what is important to her and shares it with all of the world. She lays who she is out for everyone to see, judge, question, challenge, disagree and deeply love. She will never hold back because she is afraid of what someone will think of her. I was inspired by her pure self expression that she expressed (and continues to share) in her happiness projects. She is a courageous free spirit and I am humbled and deeply grateful that she calls me a friend and invited me to pay it forward. If it was not for her unadulterated bravery I would have never had the guts to put all my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see. Mar, I love you so deeply I wiggle ;) 

 The appreciation I have for my friend Lisa is deep and strong and lasting. Lisa you are MY Consciousgirl. You were the fuel that kept me going. You reminded me that there was someone out in the world who "got me." You were with me every step of the way sharing your joy and pain and inviting me to share more of mine. It was life changing to have someone share this process with so intimately. Our connection is at true and rare gift. You are my conscious sister. Thank you so much for your energy and your BIG LOVE.

 Of course I could not have done any of this without the love, guidance and support of my darling husband. Lindon when I think about how you held me when I cried, how you danced with me when I celebrated and how you read and reread countless blog posts I am moved to tears. You are my partner, my team mate and my best friend. You provide the safety to I need to explore the scariest places imaginable. I know that you and I will always be side by side, holding hands, smiling because there is nothing stronger then the love you and I have for each other. Sharing my life with you is the greatest adventure, having you be so involved and supportive of what I do is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you for being the kind of person that brings out the best in me. Nothing bring me more joy then being your wife. 

There. Now this project complete. Thank you #101DaysofAwakening for proving to me that everything will be ok in the end. 
 

Loving What Death Can Touch

This is the final week of #101DaysofAwakening and it has been the toughest week of all. I had every intention, consciously, of going out with a bang and having fun with the last few days of this project. Clearly I had a subconscious intention that was much stronger because I had a major tantrum. 

Let me define tantrum. 

People normally think of children uncontrollably kicking and screaming on the ground. My tantrum is much more subtle then that, its me not doing what I know to do. There is a feeling of righteous indignance, that if I were to personify it, it would sound like, "I don't wanna and you can't make me."  

However, my mind is slick so instead of hearing those words in my head I make up more adult reasons that people would "buy" like, "I'm just so exhausted." or "I'm too busy, I can't find the time." and my favorite "I'll get to it later."

As conscious girl I am well aware of that particular thought and feeling combo. I knew I was in avoidance of something, I just wasn't sure what it was. Normally, I would manage my feelings, I would do the task anyway, push through exhaustion and keep my word.

This week I decided to "lean in" to my avoidance. I didn't finish this blog on time, I put off doing my daily pages, I was halfhearted in my meditation and with all that going on I could hear my mind's judgement of not getting done what I said I would do.

I listened to the judgement but I didn't take it on or believe it. I was more interested in what was causing this feeling of sloth. I wanted to get to the bottom of what this tantrum was all about and why it was showing up now?

There is a saying that when your mind is quiet your soul will speak. Well, it's true. 

So I'm sitting in the waiting room at my chiropractor's office looking at the pictures of the babies he has treated and my mind starts to wander. I start thinking about my friends; several are pregnant or just had babies. They are all living in Northern California and I live in Southern California. I have missed several baby showers and I am about to miss another one. This makes me REALLY sad. I miss my friends and I want to be a part of their pregnancy and be with them and their beautiful babies but I feel so far away. I am afraid that their lives will change so rapidly and I won't be a part of it and eventually we will grow apart and we won't be friends any more. When I think about my friendship with them this way (anticipating an end) I feel sad and desperate and I obsess over what I can do to stay connected.

BINGO! I got it.

This is a huge realization for me! In being afraid of the end I do what I can to protect myself from anything ever ending. I am trying to hold on as tight as I can to keep whatever it is in my life, or worse, minimize how I feel so I can convince myself it isn't that important to me when it's over.

I see this "holding on" all over my life; in my work, in my relationships and I see myself playing it out at the end of this project. In fact when I tell the truth about it, I never finish books because I never want the story to end, it will take me weeks to read the last two chapters and I have already started two other books to distract me from the ending. I never want phone calls to end, I could talk for hours and when I have an appointment after the call I keep the conversation going until the last moment.

If I continue to live with this fear, then in my opinion, I am not really living. How do I know these things should remain in my life? How do I know that when people are ready to move on that they shouldn't? How do I know something better isn't waiting for me on the other side of the end? And the question that really has my attention now, how much am I holding back from enjoying how much I love something or someone right now because I am afraid it will end later?!

The end is a certainty, nothing is permanent. I can't protect myself from all endings and I love too many things to try and pretend I don't care. Loss is the cost of love. I am willing to experience heartache if it means I can have a deeper experience of love right now.

I can see that for the last 7 years I have avoided grieving my mom because I would have to face the end of that relationship. 

I deserve to miss my friends, we have a strong connection and it hurts being away from them. The relationship I had with my mom was so close and so beautiful it warrants my mourning. One day Lindon and I will have kids and I will watch my heart walking outside my body and I refuse to give up any ounce of love for them even if it means the possibility of experiencing overwhelming fear of something happening to them.

I love people, deeply, fully and intensely. My relationships mean everything to me which is terribly risky because people are the most impermanent thing in the world. 

I can see now it takes tremendous courage to love what death can touch. But I will think about that later. Its time for my chiropractic appointment. 

Coming Home

I love Tom Hanks. In fact he is my celebrity crush. I think he is funny, brilliant and tender. Next to my husband I consider him the ideal man. One of my favorite Tom Hank's movies is Sleepless in Seattle. I love a good Rom-Com and Tom is the prefect leading man. I have seen this movie more times then I care to admit and yet there is a line in the movie that always makes me cry.

I'll set the scene: Tom's wife has past away and he gets duped by his eight year old son into talking with a radio "love-line" host about his loss. The doctor asks, "What was so special about your wife?" To which Tom replies, "How long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic."

When I think about Tom saying this it brings tears to my eyes. I find the thought so endearing. This character's experience of being with his wife was like coming home. There is nothing better than the feeling of coming home. To me that means being safe, warm, welcomed as you are for who you are. It is being in a place that is so familiar one recognizes it as a part of one's own self. Coming home for me is to be at total peace with where you are.

I can't imagine a lovelier thing to say about the experience of being with another person. I am currently having that feeling about coming home from India.

As to be expected, everyone has been asking about our experience on the trip. They all ask, "How was it?' and I struggle to answer.  I have never been to a place more unfamiliar. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, everything was alien to my senses. At first the experience was exciting and thrilling. All the unknowns kept me on my toes and made me feel alive. It was a rush. Then it became scary. I felt a real sense of danger when we were sick or lost. The anxiety I would normally feel in those situations was amplified by the threat of being in a strange territory. That heightened tension led to exhaustion and then ultimately desperate longing and an overwhelming feeling of being homesick. 

And with all that going on Lindon and I connected and worked together in a way we never had before. The love we feel for each other evolved and flourished. We saw amazing sights that took our breath away like the Taj Mahal, prayers on the Ganges and the birthplace of the four noble truths in Sarnath. We ate amazing food that delighted and terrified us and met the most amazing people with the most diverse back grounds.

Travel, of any kind, is an opportunity to embrace what is unknown. It is an invitation to the senses to see what else is out there and what possibilities exist outside of our normal routine. In my mind traveling is the freedom to challenge what I believe is true.

For example, as I shared last week, I thought that in order to honor someone else's beliefs I had to put my own aside. That someone not believing what I believe somehow made one of us wrong.  Not true. In fact I can appreciate my own beliefs more while I am curious and interested in someone's viewpoint. Up until last week I thought that "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." This was so clearly untrue as I saw people praying and absolving themselves in the same place they threw their trash. Up until last week I thought that going to the bathroom was a private activity. I now understand clearly that was my own judgment as people all over India and Nepal used the side of the road, in front of God and everybody, as their personal toilet.  

I am writing this without judgement. In fact I write this with a sense of awe and reverence. There are people all over the world living life in a very different fashion then I would and I realized my objections to other ways of life are all self created. My objection is part of an illusion I must have created to make me feel safe or justified. So who would I be if I gave up my righteousness regarding what I think is best or true, and then ultimately knew that I was safe no matter what?

Traveling to India and Nepal gave me an undeniable experience that I make up stories of how to live my life and that what I think is right and true about people or what "should" be, isn't. Simply put; I am making everything up. If I like what I have made up I have the choice to keep it and if I don't I have the choice to change it. 

That feels like ultimate freedom to me. Undeniable power to create the experience I want when I'm in the unknown. This creative, free person is who I am without living in that bogus illusion. I feel more safe than I ever have because (and I only realize this now looking back on how I lived before) part of me always knew it was an illusion but there was a fear of what would happen if the illusion fell apart. 

These realizations have changed my life at such a fundamental level. I have come home, only its no home I have ever known. The surroundings are familiar but the experience is very different. In this home I have the freedom to be and choose what I like and don't like AND be with others who completely disagree and honor their opinions and I love that about me. 

I'm not coming home to California or America (although I deeply appreciate these places in a way I hadn't before) I am coming home to myself. To a place inside of me I never knew existed and always longed to be connected to.  The joy of coming home to this place in me is real, familiar and magic.