I miss my mom very much. Every day I think of at least a
dozen things I would like to share with her. For the most part, in all honesty,
my missing her is very a sad heartache with a splash of feeling sorry for
myself. These feelings are punctuated with moments of appreciation for the
woman she was and the lessons she taught me as well as fond memories of laughs
and intimate connection.
I know these feelings very well. They all have a cycle and I
am very aware when they surface and where I am in that cycle. I used to get
derailed by these feelings and now I can navigate all situations in my life
while feeling these feelings and really not miss a step. I have seen a lot of
progress in the last eight years.
A new feeling has come to my attention and I don’t know it
nearly as well as the above and I am very curious about it.
The best way to describe it is like this: I want a Mommy.
Not my Mommy… although if I had the choice….
I want someone who doesn’t need anything from me. Someone I
can lean on, who doesn’t lean on me. Someone who wants the best for me and
guides me and encourages me. Someone who tells me what to do, knowing me better
than I know myself. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok.
To kiss me and make me feel like I am safe no matter what. I want someone like
that in my life.
For 22 years my mom held that role for me and she did a
fantastic job. Needless to say she left a big hole. However, for the first time
in eight years, I’m open to the idea that someone else can fill that role.
It’s not my Dad. I am Daddy’s little girl. He will support
me no matter what. My Mom was the one to tell me to get my butt in gear and get
moving. My Dad is famous for saying “whatever you want sweetheart” and he means
it. I don’t want to lose that role either; it’s too special to me.
I got a taste of what I want the other day. A girlfriend of
mine who I love dearly called me and said, “I want to talk about you. Just
you.” She asked me questions, gave me unedited feedback, pushed me and then
wrapped up the conversation with an expression of how much she believes in me.
I was in tears (during and) after our call. I had a mommy.
Even if it was only for the 45 minutes we were on the phone call, it felt so
relieving and freeing. I felt protected, comforted and challenged. It was a
truly extraordinary experience for me.
Someone wanted to take care of me and I let them.
Not like with my husband or my girlfriends. They take care
of me too but I take care of them. The circle of reciprocity is very tight with
them.
This conversation was for no one else but for me and I must
say it felt so good that I want more. I want someone in my life that will hold
that role permanently but what do I look for? I can’t put an ad out for a
Mommy… that’s ridiculous. Or is it?
I have thought of getting a therapist but I don’t want the
relationship to be clinical or professional. I don’t think that will create the
kind of intimacy I want.
However, as I am rereading this to myself, something strikes
me as very suspect. Why have I only allowed myself to be taken care of in this
way only once? I get offers all the time, in fact my Mother-in-law takes care
of me all the time, she is very generous and a great mom.
I haven’t
leaned in.
I have a friend who has mentioned to me on several occasions
that she thinks of me as a daughter and I haven’t opened up to actually
allowing myself to feel that way.
I don’t need a Mommy. I need to be open to receiving the
love and support from all the mommies that surround me. Truth is, that feeling
is always there and I haven’t allowed myself to feel it.
Sidebar: I wonder what
else I want that I am keeping out of my life?
The real problem is that I am looking outside myself for
what I have had access to this whole time. There is no shortage of support out
there, never has been, never will be. There has, however, been a lack of participation
on my part.
First question: Why?
Well one thing: I think the “poor me” I feel about losing my
mom is a tantrum. If I can’t have my
mommy then I don’t want a mommy at all. And when I take a deeper
look at that, the truth is I am protecting myself from the pain of losing that
support all over again.
When my mom died the trajectory of my life forever changed.
I was 22 years old and I was graduating college. In fact my mom died the week I
graduated with my undergrad. I was standing on the edge of my life looking out
into my future, feeling utterly terrified. Within the same week I lost my
greatest support system and all the structure that school gave my life. It was
the most vulnerable and petrified I had ever felt and I assume that if I really
let myself have that kind of support with another person again and lose it, it would
be just as devastating. I am protecting myself by holding back.
Hmmm. Ok, so now what?
Now I need to catch myself holding back. Just as I am so
familiar with the feeling of missing my mom and the heartache associated with
that; I need to build the same familiarity with holding back when someone
offers to take care of me. What is the exact cycle of that feeling that pulls
back? What triggers it? What thoughts support it?
Then once I have done all my data collecting I can look to
change it. So how do I do all this data collecting?
I need to put myself in situations where I can be cared for,
I must ask for support. I must allow myself to be vulnerable and ask for help
from others.
YIKES!!!! I DON’T WANT
TO! I like the way my friend did it. She called me and didn’t ask if we could
talk about me she said, “I want to talk about you.” Why can’t I just do
it like that and wait for someone to ask for it???
Because if I waited for it to be that way I would live a
life dictated by external circumstance and that is no longer an option for me.
Well, well. This has been a very productive post. I learned
a lot about myself.
James Thurber said, “All men should strive to learn before they
die what they are running from, and to, and why.” I find the more I look the
more I find what I am running from but there is really only one thing I am running to: peace of mind. I believe that if I can find my way there and share the
process then others can find their way too. That “why” inspires me to keep going
and to continually face what I am trying to avoid.
We will see what happens, I might
surprise myself. I always do.
