When we got on the plane we were assigned seats separate
from each other. On the gangplank I held Lindon’s hand and I said, “Lets find a
way to sit together.” He smiled and kissed me on the temple. That’s his way of
saying, “Done” without words. As we were walking on to the plane Lindon noticed
that we both had middle seats, the least attractive seats to trade. Someone
would have to give up the coveted isle or window seat so we could be together.
He mentioned that no one would want to trade and I said, “Yes they will. People
want to see people in love sit together.” A fellow passenger chimed in with,
“don’t press your luck!” and another woman who also overheard our conversation
shook her head with a regretful “no”. I assured them it would work for us,
although internally I had already given up, secretly believing their warning.
When we got to our seats we asked the guy in the isle if he
would switch and he politely declined. I understood and dropped my husband’s
hand to walk on find my seat. Moments later a woman came back to take my seat!
Lindon somehow sweet-talked the woman into giving up her window seat for us.
As I sat down next to him I marveled at the delicate dance
we just had. We agreed to our intention, his confidence waned and I picked it
up. When my mind started to lie to me; he stepped in and closed the deal. So
much of our relationship is like that, we want the same thing and we support
each other in having it.
I really wanted to sit next to him on that flight too. We
had planed to leave New Orleans at 9am and arrive in Orange County at 1pm but
then our flight was delayed, then canceled and our short 6 hour trip turned
into a 14 hour travel day. We worked together to get ourselves on the earliest
flight home possible and we had to deal with some not-so-happy airport
attendants in the process. We were sent from one counter to the next assured
that the other person was the only
one that could help us get home. It could have been a very stressful, frustrating
and tiresome day and yet it wasn’t. It wasn’t ideal AND Lindon and I still found
a way to work together to have fun, enjoy ourselves and spread kindness
wherever we went.
As I sat on the plane, Lindon’s thigh leaned up against mine
I was instantly calmed by the weight and the warmth coming from his body. I asked
him how his book is and with a completely straight face he sticks his fist in
my face, and ever so slowly lifts his thumb up in the air to the point that is
fully extended and makes “bing” noise. We both laugh until we cry. It’s silly
nonsense and yes, we may be sleep deprived and weary from our trip but we are
in love. The happily-ever-after love. The soul mate kind of love. And it makes
us giggle.
I can remember dreaming of being in love, although this is
far better then what I had imagined. I
remember dreaming with my girlfriends in middle school and high school about
falling in love. At the time it was a very naïve, prince charming, schmaltzy
kind of love. My girlfriends and I would daydream about running into someone on
the street and knowing that we had met the one the moment we locked eyes and that would be the end of life as we knew it.
Of course the story of Lindon and I didn’t work like
that at all. It was love at first sight for sure but a protective part of me was not
ready to admit it. I couldn’t describe the feeling I was having so I told
myself that he and I would be best friends. I even daydreamed about hanging out
together with our own separate families years from down the line. I saw Lindon
and I having long conversations that lasted late into the evening and my
husband and his wife being very understanding because after all he and I are
“best friends.”
For a year he and I played buddy-buddy although outside of
his ear shot I would tell people how much I loved him. If anyone questioned my
meaning I would always quickly follow up with, “as a friend, of course.”
I thought I was being sincere, I never thought about him
romantically. He is younger than me, lives in Southern California, etc. I never
considered him boyfriend material. I was happy thinking we would be friends for
life.
One night he called me from a party with his friends and
asked me to tell him a joke. He said I was the best at telling jokes so I
thought of one and he put me on speakerphone to tell everyone at the party.
Once the room roared with laughter he thanked me and hung up the phone. I was
on a date that night and of course my date was very understanding, only
confirming my dreams were coming true.
Then I went to Hawaii with Lindon for a workshop our company
was putting on called Current Communications. In the workshop the idea of
sharing with others how we felt came up. I raised my hand and asked the trainer
(my future father-in-law) “Why would I share how I feel if there is nothing to
do about it?” I was thinking about someone in the workshop with whom I felt
very irritated. Why would I tell this person I was annoyed by them?
The trainer responded simply, “How will anyone get to know
you if you do not share how you feel?” Well he had a point. Then he said, “Now
are you ready for the advanced question?”
“Sure. I can handle it,” I said (I may or may not have
puffed my chest).
Then as if he were administering a challenge said, “How
arrogant of you to think there is nothing to do about it? You haven’t even
shared it with someone else. How do you know there is nothing to do?”
Of course I didn’t know. So I responded to what he didn’t
say but I felt was implying, “Fine, I will tell two people in this room how I
feel about them by the end of the day.”
In my mind I knew I was going to tell Lindon that I loved
him. But at that point I thought that
that “love” was akin to loving frozen yogurt, or sunsets, or hikes and the
color green. It wasn’t a big deal… until I sat down to tell him in person.
Now I was sitting in front of him and my heart was racing, I
had tunnel vision and my hands were shaking. I couldn’t conceive what was
happening. I kept telling myself “it wasn’t a big deal… it’s just Lindon.”
So when I opened my mouth I said this, “I have something to
tell you and my body is reacting to it in a really intense and unexpected way.
So I am going to deliver a communication. This is not a conversation. I do not
want to hear what you have to say right now. I don’t think I could hear it
anyways. So once I have said this I am leaving and we can talk at some other
time about it, ok?”
He calmly looked at me with a subtle smile (cool-hand-Luke
as I liked to call him) and nodded in agreement.
I took a deep breath and said, “So… I love you. But I don’t
love you like a brother because I have one of those and I don’t love you like a
guy friend because I have those and I don’t love you like a boyfriend because I
have had those, soooo I guess what I am saying is that I love you unlike any
other man I have ever known.”
I shocked myself! I didn’t believe I just spoke those words
from my mouth. I tried to calm myself
down with thoughts like, “ok so you said that but it doesn’t mean anything…”
and “maybe he didn’t hear you because you spoke too fast.”
Once I could see straight again I tried to stand up and
leave. Lindon stopped me and wanted to say something. I reminded him of our previous
agreement and tried to get as far away as quickly as possible. He insisted on
saying something, so I begrudgingly sat back down and took a deep breath and
braced myself, thinking he was going to tell me how inappropriate I was or how
he thinks that’s sweet but…
His simple response was, “That’s f*&king cool!”
I was irritated with his comment. I wanted to leave and he
wanted to congratulate me on how I felt. I, again, went to make my escape and
he insisted we hugged. I threw one arm around his neck in the shortest “tent
hug” I could muster up and got the hell out of dodge.
I was mortified. Why did I listen to the trainer? Why did I
accept a challenge that was not presented to me? This experience only proved my
point. My thoughts at the time were:
DO
NOT share how you feel unless you have it sorted out! I shared how I felt and
yet I have no idea what it means and it probably means nothing and now there
will be a big deal made out of something insignificant! This is a huge mistake!
Who knows what Lindon is really thinking? “That’s f*&king cool”?!!? OMG.
This is a mess!
I spent the next three days on the island trying to pretend
like nothing happened. Hiding my embarrassment and at the same time ruthlessly
flirting with Lindon to show that I was “cool,” and “it didn’t mean anything,” and
“no big deal.”
Once I got back to the main land safe and far away from
Lindon he called me from Hawaii. He was still there and he had been doing some
thinking about what I had said and wanted to now have a conversation. He told me that he loved me too. He said that when I told him how I
felt he sensed his guard lower and another feeling allowed to grow inside him;
love for me. Until I made my communication he never considered anything of that
feeling because he always thought, “She would never be into someone like me.” But
now he is sure. He loves me.
I tried to convince him it was island fever. I asked him to think about it when he got home and if
he still felt that way we could talk about it some more in a week.
When he got home he asked me on a date the next time I came
down to Southern California. A month later on that date I was still trying to
convince him that we would never work out because I wanted to get married and
have kids and he was too young, etc. He stopped my rambling and said he wanted the
same thing. And then… he kissed me.
At that moment I knew one thing: he was “the one."
Three months later we were engaged and now we have been
married for a year and a half and I often, fondly reflect on that “huge mistake”
I made in Hawaii. Sometimes I can
still catch my mind lying to me, telling me that he and I are only friends and
that I made all this up fearing it's too good to be true. I wonder what else I am convinced I don’t want to do that is really just a protective strategy.
If I had never made that “mistake” I would never have a love
so real it’s surreal. I would have missed out on dance parties in the kitchen
after work and sitting next to my favorite travel buddy on airplanes as we
travel the world. I would have missed out on marrying my best friend.
When I look around at our life together there is so much beauty, joy and peace. I can't imagine my life with out it. When I think that I almost let myself believe the lies I invented to protect myself from heartache I am inspired to keep looking. The result of this "mistake" is more meaningful and profound to me then anything I have ever experienced. This experience inspires me to always search for the lies in my thinking because I never know how good it could be. I am certain that anything is possible.
