Making A Vow

Lindon and I just celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary! My marriage is majorly important to me, I honestly think it is the best thing I have ever done for myself because it inspires me every day to live as the best of myself.  So naturally, it is a part of my life where I have seen tremendous growth as well as many growth opportunities.  In this post I will focus on my current growth opportunity.

Lindon and I have a very unique relationship. We live together, we work together, we sleep together, we drive together, we play together, we eat together, we travel together, we process our issues with each other together, we grow together, we work out together. We are sincerely best friends, lovers, boss/employee, trainer/trainee and husband and wife.

The fact that we can do all of this AND not want to murder each other is a miracle in and of itself. However, I must admit that after two years of delicately wearing all of these hats and doing our best to set boundaries for each of our roles we are both worn so thin that each role has in some way been compromised. We do not get the full experience/joy of these individual roles because it is so easy to slide into a different role and try to be two at once (or four!).

For example, on Monday, our anniversary day, we spent the day together as husband and wife. I noticed how easy it was for me think about him as my boss or co-worker and not truly enjoy being his wife because I am worried about work. It took a lot of effort to not bring up my work concerns during our mountain bike ride or at dinner.

I brought this up to Lindon and he shared with me that he feels the same way. We decided to make our relationship with ourselves the priority. Meaning, I need to make going to yoga a sacred ritual and he needs to make  mountain biking an unbreakable commitment. If we don’t take care of ourselves then we cannot bring our best to our marriage. Then we agreed to carve time out to do an activity together that is fun/silly that gets us out of our routine. Some ideas were going to a trivia night, taking an improve class or a ukulele class.

We also agreed to fire each other from some of these roles for each other. There are other people we can engage to help with working out, processing issues, etc.

In the midst of all this I realized that I was starting to feel a little lost and sad. At first I thought that I was reacting to where we were and that I had somehow failed. As I questioned myself I realized that wasn’t the case. As I continued to reflect and inquire on my feelings I noticed that my sadness was coming from the thought that, “I don’t know how to be a good wife.” I know how to be a co-worker, teammate, best buddy but I don’t know how to be a wife. That made me very sad because being a wife is so important to me.

BUT this feeling, once identified was very short lived, because I know how to be a good wife! I made a vow to be a good wife and I outlined all the promises I am committed to keeping. I just got so caught up in being good in these other roles that I got disconnected from my commitment.

I pulled out my vows to renew them to myself: 

Lindon, You are my best friend. I never knew that I could feel this way about another person. You are the source of so much joy and happiness in my life. You make me smile and laugh everyday. I love that we play, dance, sing and can be silly together and I love how often we laugh ‘til we cry right before we go to sleep. You make me dream sweet. Your patience humbles me and your ability to stay calm and cool when I’m not makes me feel safe and cared for. I appreciate so much how you put us first and make sure that we are good before moving on to anything else. You are one of the greatest men I know; you have honor, integrity, courage and tenderness.

In front of all of our friends and family, I ask for their support in these promises I make to you:

I promise to appreciate you. To express it openly and let all know how proud I am of the man you are and the man you are becoming. I am excited for what we will create in our life together and I will always let you know how grateful I am for that efficient brain of yours.

I promise to grow with you, to build with you and dream with you. I believe you and I are together for a reason, something bigger than ourselves and as we discover new possibilities I promise to always be by your side. We are a team.

I promise to truly listen to you, share with you, and partner in all things with you. When times are good I will celebrate with you, share your successes as if they were my own and continue to look forward and find ways to create more. When times seem tough I will partner with you to create an alternative. I will share your struggles as if they are my own and work with you to make those experiences catapult us forward into the life of our dreams.

I promise to bring the fun. I promise to fill our life with friends, family, laughter and love. I will always look for ways to bring joy and adventure into our life.

I promise make a family with you. With our own children, our family of origin, and our chosen family. You and I will bring people together to share our love and celebrate all the relationships that bring meaning to our life.

Most of all I promise to love you. Today I choose you to spend my life with. It is a choice and I will remember I made it and that choice will inspire me to do whatever it takes to keep our love alive. You are the first man I ever felt I would do anything for and I am so grateful for that feeling. I choose to love you throughout our life and forever. In All Ways, Always.

I choose to make a vow to myself now. When I am on my way home to be a wife I will lay my work brain to rest by reminding myself of how I felt when I wrote these vows. I will take a moment before I walk into the house to bring these feelings to life inside of me. I will make time every day to remind myself that we will always have each other at the foundation of all we create. I bring the best of me when I pause and choose to love him in all ways, always.

Surprising Myself

I miss my mom very much. Every day I think of at least a dozen things I would like to share with her. For the most part, in all honesty, my missing her is very a sad heartache with a splash of feeling sorry for myself. These feelings are punctuated with moments of appreciation for the woman she was and the lessons she taught me as well as fond memories of laughs and intimate connection.

I know these feelings very well. They all have a cycle and I am very aware when they surface and where I am in that cycle. I used to get derailed by these feelings and now I can navigate all situations in my life while feeling these feelings and really not miss a step. I have seen a lot of progress in the last eight years.

A new feeling has come to my attention and I don’t know it nearly as well as the above and I am very curious about it.

The best way to describe it is like this: I want a Mommy.

Not my Mommy… although if I had the choice….

I want someone who doesn’t need anything from me. Someone I can lean on, who doesn’t lean on me. Someone who wants the best for me and guides me and encourages me. Someone who tells me what to do, knowing me better than I know myself. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok. To kiss me and make me feel like I am safe no matter what. I want someone like that in my life.

For 22 years my mom held that role for me and she did a fantastic job. Needless to say she left a big hole. However, for the first time in eight years, I’m open to the idea that someone else can fill that role.

It’s not my Dad. I am Daddy’s little girl. He will support me no matter what. My Mom was the one to tell me to get my butt in gear and get moving. My Dad is famous for saying “whatever you want sweetheart” and he means it. I don’t want to lose that role either; it’s too special to me.

I got a taste of what I want the other day. A girlfriend of mine who I love dearly called me and said, “I want to talk about you. Just you.” She asked me questions, gave me unedited feedback, pushed me and then wrapped up the conversation with an expression of how much she believes in me.

I was in tears (during and) after our call. I had a mommy. Even if it was only for the 45 minutes we were on the phone call, it felt so relieving and freeing. I felt protected, comforted and challenged. It was a truly extraordinary experience for me.

Someone wanted to take care of me and I let them.

Not like with my husband or my girlfriends. They take care of me too but I take care of them. The circle of reciprocity is very tight with them.

This conversation was for no one else but for me and I must say it felt so good that I want more. I want someone in my life that will hold that role permanently but what do I look for? I can’t put an ad out for a Mommy… that’s ridiculous.  Or is it?

I have thought of getting a therapist but I don’t want the relationship to be clinical or professional. I don’t think that will create the kind of intimacy I want.

However, as I am rereading this to myself, something strikes me as very suspect. Why have I only allowed myself to be taken care of in this way only once? I get offers all the time, in fact my Mother-in-law takes care of me all the time, she is very generous and a great mom.

I haven’t leaned in.

I have a friend who has mentioned to me on several occasions that she thinks of me as a daughter and I haven’t opened up to actually allowing myself to feel that way.

I don’t need a Mommy. I need to be open to receiving the love and support from all the mommies that surround me. Truth is, that feeling is always there and I haven’t allowed myself to feel it.

Sidebar: I wonder what else I want that I am keeping out of my life?

The real problem is that I am looking outside myself for what I have had access to this whole time. There is no shortage of support out there, never has been, never will be. There has, however, been a lack of participation on my part.

First question: Why?

Well one thing: I think the “poor me” I feel about losing my mom is a tantrum. If I can’t have my mommy then I don’t want a mommy at all. And when I take a deeper look at that, the truth is I am protecting myself from the pain of losing that support all over again.

When my mom died the trajectory of my life forever changed. I was 22 years old and I was graduating college. In fact my mom died the week I graduated with my undergrad. I was standing on the edge of my life looking out into my future, feeling utterly terrified. Within the same week I lost my greatest support system and all the structure that school gave my life. It was the most vulnerable and petrified I had ever felt and I assume that if I really let myself have that kind of support with another person again and lose it, it would be just as devastating. I am protecting myself by holding back.

Hmmm. Ok, so now what?

Now I need to catch myself holding back. Just as I am so familiar with the feeling of missing my mom and the heartache associated with that; I need to build the same familiarity with holding back when someone offers to take care of me. What is the exact cycle of that feeling that pulls back? What triggers it? What thoughts support it?

Then once I have done all my data collecting I can look to change it. So how do I do all this data collecting?

I need to put myself in situations where I can be cared for, I must ask for support. I must allow myself to be vulnerable and ask for help from others.

YIKES!!!! I DON’T WANT TO! I like the way my friend did it. She called me and didn’t ask if we could talk about me she said, “I want to talk about you.” Why can’t I just do it like that and wait for someone to ask for it???

Because if I waited for it to be that way I would live a life dictated by external circumstance and that is no longer an option for me.

Well, well. This has been a very productive post. I learned a lot about myself.

James Thurber said,  “All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” I find the more I look the more I find what I am running from but there is really only one thing I am running to: peace of mind. I believe that if I can find my way there and share the process then others can find their way too. That “why” inspires me to keep going and to continually face what I am trying to avoid. 

We will see what happens, I might surprise myself. I always do.

Letting Go

I want to start off by saying I can’t stand it when people say, “Just let it go” or “I need to let it go.” What does that mean? Why do we say that? It’s just a form of dismissal either way you look at it.

I’ll speak for myself; if I could just “let it go” I would. It’s not like I have been holding on waiting for your permission to “let it go.”  Am I supposed to fall to my knees and say, “Oh thank GOD you said let it go. Otherwise I would have held on FOREVER! You have freed me!”?

Major pet peeve of mine. Clearly.

With that being said, I would like to let it go. In this case, I would like to let go of the idea that what I have to say is stupid. I came to the conclusion long ago that what I like and what I think will make me unpopular.

Up until recently this has been an unconscious belief that has run below the surface and effected most of my behavior. I learned it in grade school, where all of a sudden I became very aware that there were cool kids and not cool kids on the playground. I remember the loneliness of not being liked. I didn’t have the cool clothes, I didn’t have the cool ideas, and to top it off I wanted to do things the cool kids didn’t want to do! So at the ripe old age of 7 I made the decision to do what it takes to be cool. Simply put I would do what the cool kids do. What I didn’t realize was that I also made the decision that what I think and feel is not cool, so I need to hide those thoughts at all costs.

A lot of benefits came from this decision. I became particularly cool, I had a lot of friends and I developed the ability to read people and what was important to them. I also have a knack for matching people energetically, for asking questions about what someone is interested in, and I have a genuine willingness to try everything at least once. I am the best playmate because I can mirror back your enthusiasm for whatever you love.

These are surely good qualities to have. I am going to keep them as I let go of the problematic qualities that developed out of this belief. Which are as follows: I minimize any conversation about me and what I am up to, I avoid letting someone know what I like in fear they will dislike it (and dislike me by extension), I abdicate any decision making to my partner or playmate because I think they will feel stuck in whatever lame idea I offer.

I know this may seem unlikely from someone who writes a blog about her personal experiences and yet when I am belly to belly with another person I find a way to match them and I hide myself by finding out what interests them most. I have mastered this so well I even know how to tailor what I am saying so that it will be accepted by those I am around. 

I am happy to let all of this go especially since I can feel the pain of this now.

Recently I ended working with one of my clients. While reflecting on my part in our separation I could see how I held back my true thoughts and feelings. I didn’t feed back to her what I was hearing in our conversations for fear she would leave. Well this is how I create what I fear: I held back which means she didn’t receive the value and she has moved on to find the growth she was looking for somewhere else. This is painful for so many reasons AND I am mostly sad because I didn’t serve someone to the best of my ability. Perhaps the only way I could learn that lesson was to lose someone I care about.

Now that I have this new awareness I can also see how I am holding back in conversations all over my life. I hold back in talking to my girlfriends, my family, with new people I meet. The more I see it the more scared I become. I am overwhelmed by how pervasive this seems to be.  

So how do I just let it all go?

Well first of all I don’t believe it happens in one decision. It happens after repetitive experiences of catching myself holding back and pushing myself to say what is true for me in that moment no matter what I am afraid will happen.

SO here I go. The truth of the way I feel right now:

I am pissed that I can’t just let it go. I hate every stupid, cutesy picture with a lame quote about “Opening your heart and letting go.” It’s just not that easy. It takes day-in-day-out conscious choices, over and over and over again until it is so engrained in my brain that I show up and speak my truth.

OH and that’s another thing…. Speak my truth?!? What does that mean? My truth is always changing and I would rather find a higher truth. I typically hear “I was just speaking my truth” after someone says something offensive as if it excuses you for being a jerk. There is no responsibility in that and it excuses nothing.

The truth is I don’t know how to do this and I am scared. I am scared I am going to be disliked. I am afraid I will be lonely. I am afraid I will be outcast. I am afraid people will think I am weird. I am afraid I wont know what I am talking about. I am afraid I will make a mess of my relationships and lose people I love. I'm afraid I will feel stupid. 

And yet, I will not stop. 


Letting it go.... please... I think the process will be more like riding this bike...

Flexing My Conscious Muscle

Have you ever had a dream so real that when you woke up you swear it really happened? I did, a few weeks ago and I am still processing its impact on me.

I have never had a dream so graphic and powerful (Warning: it is graphic). 

I was hiking up my favorite trail when suddenly I got the inclination to run. Now for those of you that know me this is bizarre. I never feel like running and I am aware of how strange this is in my dream. Then I notice I am being chased by a mountain lion and I panic! I face forward and try to run even faster and then in no time that cat is on top of me and as I hit the ground, I black out.

When I wake up I am in a hospital bed and I am alone. There is a mirror face down on the hospital table in front of me. As I reach for the mirror I am suddenly very aware that I am missing my left arm and my right leg. I can hardly breathe as I hold the mirror up and see that most of my skin has been torn to shreds and my face is unrecognizable. I feel terror take over me. I don’t want this to happen but it already has and I can’t do anything about it. I feel trapped in a body that is not my own. I feel no physical pain except for a tear in my chest from my heart breaking over how I think I should look and what I can no longer do.

I think to myself, “I can’t live like this!” as I stare into the mirror resisting the reflection. As I catch my own eye in the mirror a much more powerful thought takes over, “Yes I can. I can live like this. ” All of a sudden I feel relief. I know that this feeling will pass and I will be ok.

I go on with my life, training myself to live again in a new way. People are inspired by my attitude and a local news station interviews me. The anchor asks me, “After something so horrific how do you stay so positive?”

In my dream (and this is the part I remember most vividly) I said, “I don’t stay positive. I wake up every morning and grieve my body and the way I think I should look. Then I take time to remind myself that I am not just my body. I am not just the way I look. I am so much more than my body. I have an essence, a spirit that deserves life and if I get wrapped up in the way I think I should look then I will never get to experience the magnificence of my spirit and I give up the greatest gift I have: choice.”

That statement was lingering in my mind as I woke up. I spent my first rousing moments in bed reflecting on my dream. I felt SO proud of myself. I liked the way I handled life in that dream. The more I considered my “dream” attitude, I started to think that maybe I had reached a more enlightened way of thinking and that my unconscious mind was disassociating from superficial ideas about who I am.

I started my day with a spring in my step. I felt strong; ready to take on any challenge (Are you sensing the foreshadowing here? Good… the story gets better).  As I review the many items on my to-do list, I’m sure I will tackle each with glowing enthusiasm.

One of the things I needed to take care of was to prepare our spare bedroom for the person we were hosting through AirBnB. Part of my responsibilities as host is to make sure they have clean linens, towels, access the house, etc. As I ran through the checklist I was confident everything was set up so that they would have a comfortable stay in our home.

Later that day I got a voicemail from the person renting our room and she can’t get into the house!  Evidently I left the wrong key in our hide-a-key and she was locked out.  Gahh!

By the time I listened to the voicemail it was an hour after she called and I knew that she was planning to come to our house to freshen up and then go to a rehearsal dinner for a wedding.

As I called her back I was in a panic. I was thinking, “I really screwed up, she can’t get what she needs, I let her down. She is going to be so upset!” She doesn’t answer my call and I continue my internal tirade. “See I knew it!” I thought “I screwed up so bad that she is probably on the other line booking a hotel room in a reliable place where she won’t have to wait for dolts like me to get their acts together.”

In a moment of reprieve I call Lindon, hoping she called him and that she is happily in our home getting ready for her rehearsal dinner. He answers with his happy-go-lucky, chipper attitude that I instantly resent.

I quickly ask, “Honey, did you talk to the girl staying with us?”

“Nope. Haven’t heard from her,” he says in such a calm yet lively way. Instantly I’m aggravated; clearly he isn’t picking up on the urgency in my voice.

“Ergggh! Ok… well… she is locked out of the house and she called me over an hour ago and now I can’t get ahold of her. I am running to the house to see if I can figure out what happened.” 

“Sounds good! I love you.”

“luv u.” I mumble, incensed that he isn’t meeting me in the throes of my emotional upset.

I am worried about the person staying with us. I am disappointed in myself for not double-checking the keys before I left. I resent Lindon because he doesn’t have to deal with this; I magically volunteered to take care of the AirBnB stuff and I am happy to take all the glory of it working out and yet obviously blameful when it doesn’t go as planned.

Long story short it ended up working out. I got back to the house, replaced the key, called the person who was renting from us, left a voicemail apologizing for the mix up and let her know everything had been fixed. Twenty minutes later she sends me a very thankful text. In the end she had decided to go straight to the dinner, no problem.

As I drove back to the office to pick up Lindon I considered all the drama I just put myself through. I was really upset about an honest mistake. If worst came to worst I would have refunded the money she paid and she would have a written less-then-ideal review about us. Which is easy for me to understand when I am not emotionally hijacked… but in the moment, well, that reality wasn’t available to me.

As I got closer to the office my dream flashed in my mind. I thought about the last sentence from my speech; “the greatest gift I have: choice.”  Well I certainty didn’t choose an ideal attitude in the moment of upset nor did I enjoy the way I treated others and myself over the last thirty minutes.   Hmmm.

 

So where does choice occur? In the moment I just reacted. I did not choose how to think and feel. I felt panic, guilt, resentment and self-contempt. As soon as my awareness of my feelings kicked in (thirty minutes later), I started to defuse the reaction and bring myself some peace.

Well I must say my reaction time is getting shorter and shorter. I am bringing myself to conscious choice quickly after my initial triggered reaction. This is great!

All of sudden it occurs to me that these projects and the workshops I do are like a mental and emotional work out. I am strengthening my conscious muscle. As I continue to “work out” I shorten my time spent in reaction and I increase my ability to choose at the moment of feeling triggered.

Navy Seals are trained rigorously through extreme conditioning in harsh situations where they need to choose, in the moment, the “right” thing to do. I am doing a similar type of training. Although my training is very different, I am training for enlightenment. Maybe, just maybe, enlightenment happens at the moment when outside stimulus and internal choice becomes simultaneous. Perhaps, enlightenment is my exercised and strengthened consciousness that can see everything as it is happening in front of me as new and I get to choose how to respond to it.

I reexamined my dream and a drew a new conclusion: There is space between stimulus and response and I choose to continue to work out my consciousness so that it has the strength and speed to get to that moment quickly with time to dance. I have an essence, a spirit, that deserves life and if I get wrapped up in my reactions then I will never get to experience the magnificence of my spirit and I give up the greatest gift I have: choice.

The Story of Us

When we got on the plane we were assigned seats separate from each other. On the gangplank I held Lindon’s hand and I said, “Lets find a way to sit together.” He smiled and kissed me on the temple. That’s his way of saying, “Done” without words. As we were walking on to the plane Lindon noticed that we both had middle seats, the least attractive seats to trade. Someone would have to give up the coveted isle or window seat so we could be together. He mentioned that no one would want to trade and I said, “Yes they will. People want to see people in love sit together.” A fellow passenger chimed in with, “don’t press your luck!” and another woman who also overheard our conversation shook her head with a regretful “no”. I assured them it would work for us, although internally I had already given up, secretly believing their warning.

When we got to our seats we asked the guy in the isle if he would switch and he politely declined. I understood and dropped my husband’s hand to walk on find my seat. Moments later a woman came back to take my seat! Lindon somehow sweet-talked the woman into giving up her window seat for us.

As I sat down next to him I marveled at the delicate dance we just had. We agreed to our intention, his confidence waned and I picked it up. When my mind started to lie to me; he stepped in and closed the deal. So much of our relationship is like that, we want the same thing and we support each other in having it.

I really wanted to sit next to him on that flight too. We had planed to leave New Orleans at 9am and arrive in Orange County at 1pm but then our flight was delayed, then canceled and our short 6 hour trip turned into a 14 hour travel day. We worked together to get ourselves on the earliest flight home possible and we had to deal with some not-so-happy airport attendants in the process. We were sent from one counter to the next assured that the other person was the only one that could help us get home. It could have been a very stressful, frustrating and tiresome day and yet it wasn’t. It wasn’t ideal AND Lindon and I still found a way to work together to have fun, enjoy ourselves and spread kindness wherever we went.

As I sat on the plane, Lindon’s thigh leaned up against mine I was instantly calmed by the weight and the warmth coming from his body. I asked him how his book is and with a completely straight face he sticks his fist in my face, and ever so slowly lifts his thumb up in the air to the point that is fully extended and makes “bing” noise. We both laugh until we cry. It’s silly nonsense and yes, we may be sleep deprived and weary from our trip but we are in love. The happily-ever-after love. The soul mate kind of love. And it makes us giggle.

 

I can remember dreaming of being in love, although this is far better then what I had imagined.  I remember dreaming with my girlfriends in middle school and high school about falling in love. At the time it was a very naïve, prince charming, schmaltzy kind of love. My girlfriends and I would daydream about running into someone on the street and knowing that we had met the one the moment we locked eyes and that would be the end of life as we knew it.

Of course the story of Lindon and I didn’t work like that at all. It was love at first sight for sure but a protective part of me was not ready to admit it. I couldn’t describe the feeling I was having so I told myself that he and I would be best friends. I even daydreamed about hanging out together with our own separate families years from down the line. I saw Lindon and I having long conversations that lasted late into the evening and my husband and his wife being very understanding because after all he and I are “best friends.”

For a year he and I played buddy-buddy although outside of his ear shot I would tell people how much I loved him. If anyone questioned my meaning I would always quickly follow up with, “as a friend, of course.”

I thought I was being sincere, I never thought about him romantically. He is younger than me, lives in Southern California, etc. I never considered him boyfriend material. I was happy thinking we would be friends for life.

One night he called me from a party with his friends and asked me to tell him a joke. He said I was the best at telling jokes so I thought of one and he put me on speakerphone to tell everyone at the party. Once the room roared with laughter he thanked me and hung up the phone. I was on a date that night and of course my date was very understanding, only confirming my dreams were coming true.

Then I went to Hawaii with Lindon for a workshop our company was putting on called Current Communications. In the workshop the idea of sharing with others how we felt came up. I raised my hand and asked the trainer (my future father-in-law) “Why would I share how I feel if there is nothing to do about it?” I was thinking about someone in the workshop with whom I felt very irritated. Why would I tell this person I was annoyed by them?

The trainer responded simply, “How will anyone get to know you if you do not share how you feel?” Well he had a point. Then he said, “Now are you ready for the advanced question?” 

“Sure. I can handle it,” I said (I may or may not have puffed my chest).

Then as if he were administering a challenge said, “How arrogant of you to think there is nothing to do about it? You haven’t even shared it with someone else. How do you know there is nothing to do?”

Of course I didn’t know. So I responded to what he didn’t say but I felt was implying, “Fine, I will tell two people in this room how I feel about them by the end of the day.”

In my mind I knew I was going to tell Lindon that I loved him. But at that point I thought that that “love” was akin to loving frozen yogurt, or sunsets, or hikes and the color green. It wasn’t a big deal… until I sat down to tell him in person.

Now I was sitting in front of him and my heart was racing, I had tunnel vision and my hands were shaking. I couldn’t conceive what was happening. I kept telling myself “it wasn’t a big deal… it’s just Lindon.”

So when I opened my mouth I said this, “I have something to tell you and my body is reacting to it in a really intense and unexpected way. So I am going to deliver a communication. This is not a conversation. I do not want to hear what you have to say right now. I don’t think I could hear it anyways. So once I have said this I am leaving and we can talk at some other time about it, ok?”

He calmly looked at me with a subtle smile (cool-hand-Luke as I liked to call him) and nodded in agreement. 

I took a deep breath and said, “So… I love you. But I don’t love you like a brother because I have one of those and I don’t love you like a guy friend because I have those and I don’t love you like a boyfriend because I have had those, soooo I guess what I am saying is that I love you unlike any other man I have ever known.”

I shocked myself! I didn’t believe I just spoke those words from my mouth. I tried to calm myself down with thoughts like, “ok so you said that but it doesn’t mean anything…” and “maybe he didn’t hear you because you spoke too fast.”

Once I could see straight again I tried to stand up and leave. Lindon stopped me and wanted to say something. I reminded him of our previous agreement and tried to get as far away as quickly as possible. He insisted on saying something, so I begrudgingly sat back down and took a deep breath and braced myself, thinking he was going to tell me how inappropriate I was or how he thinks that’s sweet but…

His simple response was, “That’s f*&king cool!”

I was irritated with his comment. I wanted to leave and he wanted to congratulate me on how I felt. I, again, went to make my escape and he insisted we hugged. I threw one arm around his neck in the shortest “tent hug” I could muster up and got the hell out of dodge.

I was mortified. Why did I listen to the trainer? Why did I accept a challenge that was not presented to me? This experience only proved my point. My thoughts at the time were:

DO NOT share how you feel unless you have it sorted out! I shared how I felt and yet I have no idea what it means and it probably means nothing and now there will be a big deal made out of something insignificant! This is a huge mistake! Who knows what Lindon is really thinking? “That’s f*&king cool”?!!? OMG. This is a mess!

I spent the next three days on the island trying to pretend like nothing happened. Hiding my embarrassment and at the same time ruthlessly flirting with Lindon to show that I was “cool,” and “it didn’t mean anything,” and “no big deal.”

Once I got back to the main land safe and far away from Lindon he called me from Hawaii. He was still there and he had been doing some thinking about what I had said and wanted to now have a conversation. He told me that he loved me too. He said that when I told him how I felt he sensed his guard lower and another feeling allowed to grow inside him; love for me. Until I made my communication he never considered anything of that feeling because he always thought, “She would never be into someone like me.” But now he is sure. He loves me.

I tried to convince him it was island fever. I asked him to think about it when he got home and if he still felt that way we could talk about it some more in a week.

When he got home he asked me on a date the next time I came down to Southern California. A month later on that date I was still trying to convince him that we would never work out because I wanted to get married and have kids and he was too young, etc. He stopped my rambling and said he wanted the same thing. And then… he kissed me.

At that moment I knew one thing: he was “the one."

Three months later we were engaged and now we have been married for a year and a half and I often, fondly reflect on that “huge mistake” I made in Hawaii. Sometimes I can still catch my mind lying to me, telling me that he and I are only friends and that I made all this up fearing it's too good to be true. I wonder what else I am convinced I don’t want to do that is really just a protective strategy.

If I had never made that “mistake” I would never have a love so real it’s surreal. I would have missed out on dance parties in the kitchen after work and sitting next to my favorite travel buddy on airplanes as we travel the world. I would have missed out on marrying my best friend. 

When I look around at our life together there is so much beauty, joy and peace. I can't imagine my life with out it. When I think that I almost let myself believe the lies I invented to protect myself from heartache I am inspired to keep looking. The result of this "mistake" is more meaningful and profound to me then anything I have ever experienced.  This experience inspires me to always search for the lies in my thinking because I never know how good it could be. I am certain that anything is possible.

Who Am I?

I have seen the above picture several times on Facebook and Instagram and it always catches my attention. Every time I consider the message and think about the labels I give myself.  I think of the names I call myself and the opinion I have about how I show up in the world.

I have attended various workshops where the focus was to create an “I am” statement to live by and in the process see how that statement is true about who I am. I have created elaborate and eloquent statements such as the following:

“I am a conscious, passionate woman dedicated to furthering the growth of myself and others”

“I am a change agent, bringing people together to create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable”

“I am a courageous leader; living whole heartedly while exploring what’s possible and expressing my fullest potential now”

Yes, I have attended three different workshops where we deliberately created “I am” statements and I must say I left each event feeling a little deflated. I can’t be fooled; I can look at each of the above statements and give at least three examples in the last 24 hours where I was none of the above. Perhaps the one constant is that I am a woman. At least with that statement my mind does not seem to find an argument.

The trick to this whole “I AM” process is what I believe. If I do not believe the above statements then what good is it of me to say them over and over again? In fact I can see myself at times proving that the above is NOT true, which is counter to the direction I want to move towards. Ugh.

So rather than trying to train my brain to believe something that it rejects out of hand I am curious about what I already believe is true about me.

For example, a few weeks ago someone I really admire asked me a simple question in a supportive context and it left me rattled. I was spooked for a few days, spinning on the implication of my answer.  This one question left me feeling completely jilted by my mentor, riddled with self-doubt.

Now up until the time of the question I had been feeling really great about myself. I was producing results at work that made me feel proud. Lindon and I were having a blast in our new home. I was meditating regularly and taking time to sit outside and listen. I even started my book. I had written the purpose/introduction as well as the table of contents- outlining each chapter. I felt healthy, productive and vital. It was wonderful!  

So what was the question that put my mind on tilt?

Here it is; my mentor asked, “Do you actually believe the stuff you write or are you trying to convince yourself it’s true?”

My answer was simple and honest, “I believe it when I do and I like to think that is more often then not.”

But man, I left that conversation in bad shape. I felt I was having an identity crisis. What do I believe? What can I expect from myself to remain constant no matter what the circumstance? I thought, “I am spouting ideals that I don’t live by thoroughly. I am a fraud. People must think I’m a liar.”

I felt embarrassed and ashamed and lost and sad. I had thoughts of packing everything up and moving to a place where no one knew me so I could start all over. I abandoned my book idea, I thought to engage in it would be a self-important and indulgent stroke to my suffering self-esteem. I felt disheartened AND yet I chose to keep going in my endeavors.

I worked out, I talked with God, I did my work, I loved my husband, I led workshops, I took care of myself, I ate well, I gardened, I connected with my friends, I read, I did my daily posts and I just kept living.

I had really great days, I had not so great days and I realized that the one thing I can rely on is that nothing is constant. Nothing is permanent. Then it dawned on me that I had been asking myself the wrong question. I had been asking myself, “What’s true about me? What about me can I count on?”

Bad question, as it has me go to the past to find the answer and when I look back I can see how every statement is true and not true all at the same time.

A better question is; “How do I want to show up right now? What is my purpose here?” Then I can define who I Am in that moment AND that is only available to me once I discover who I am not. 

I had to allow myself to feel like a fraud and a liar so that I could really understand that is not who I am. I had just had several weeks where I was feeling on top of the world then someone asked me if I believed it and I had to experience my doubt in order to come to what I believe. I believe I can make anything I want true about me when I am conscious enough to choose.

When I thought I needed to be an expert or a leader of some kind, that's when I was a fraud considering my purpose for writing these blogs.  What I want is to document my journey; the good and the bad, the wonderful and the ugly. I want to be reflective of my life and learn from my daily happenings. I want to show how a “normal” life is actually beautiful and extraordinary. I want someone to read my posts and say, “that’s a genuine chick right there, what an interesting way of exploring life.” I write these posts and blogs because every guru out there writes about life looking back on their journey; I’m at the beginning looking forward and recording each step. I want to capture all my different phases on the way to a more enlightened state of being AND if that helps someone else close the gap on their own journey - well even better!

So I would refine the statement indicating “I AM” as the two most powerful words. For me, the most powerful words are “This is who I choose to be right now"  and developing the ability to consciously choose that state of being is the thrilling game of life.

As for the question: Who am I? Who am I not.

Experiencing Gratitude In The Most Unlikely Places

A year ago I was vacationing with my in-laws in San Luis Obispo. We were all staying in the same house and got to spend some really lovely, quality time together. Both of my sister-in-laws have beautiful children, which at the time were all under the age of 4. At breakfast one morning my (then) one-year-old niece was sitting on her papa’s lap and wanted something in the middle of the table. She was reaching for it for awhile as we were all chatting and finally her papa leaned in, grabbed it and handed it to her.

As I was watching this I realized that I had an expectation of my niece to look up at her dad and acknowledge him in some way for getting her what she wanted.  A thank you or a glance of appreciation and instead I was shocked that she did neither of those. In fact, there was no apparent consideration of the act at all. It was almost as if she had expected it to be in her hands all along and now it was just in its rightful place.

It blew me away! I was jaw-dropped because I realized at that moment that the expression of appreciation is NOT innate. It is not an emotion that we instinctively express, it is something that we learn. I observed this practice over the weekend as my sisters taught their kids how to express appreciation. “Say please,” “Say thank you,” were echoed in that house throughout our stay in the effort to introduce gratitude into their vocabulary.

As I continue to watch my niece and nephews grow up I look forward to seeing when they actually experience the feeling of appreciation.

I have been sincerely interested in the practice of appreciation ever since. My thought is this; we are born with the capacity to experience gratitude however, that ability needs to be nurtured and developed. AND if that is the case then how far does our ability go? Could I develop my capacity to the point where I feel gratitude for everything, all the time?

When I first started to think about this it seemed a little ridiculous. Life has too many ups and downs, too many unpredictable losses, and too many “bad” situations. How could one possibly experience gratitude all the time? Can I really feel gratitude for something I don’t like?

I remember a few years ago watching a talk show where someone wrote a book about gratitude and they said that gratitude was a choice. They believed that no matter what the circumstance one could always choose to experience appreciation. They gave extreme examples of feeling thankful for death, war, abuse, etc.

I remember laughing at the thought of how ridiculous it was and how I pitied the people who buy such rubbish.

Well, I can honestly say I have changed my tune. I had a very profound experience this week that proved it was possible to find gratitude in the most unlikely places. 

The other day I was planning the perfect day off. My plan: Have No Plan. If it occurred to me to hike I would hike, if I felt like reading I would read. Overall I was committing to resting and relaxing. Shortly after my leisurely breakfast I was sitting outside reading my book when my husband called me. His voice was heavy when he told me our friend’s mother had passed away from cancer.

When I heard his calm and tight voice utter the words, it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest. My breath caught in my throat and tears streamed down my face. I could hear Lindon’s voice constrict when he registered my reaction. He is so empathic and I could tell he was feeling a lot of hurt and pain for our friend and for me.

I called my friend immediately and she picked up and we cried together. I didn’t know what to say so I just listened and empathized.

After getting off the phone, I sobbed and sat in silence. I was pissed, I was so mad my friend was going though this! I was also angry that my perfect day without a plan was slipping away. All I could think of now was making her food. I considered not making food and that felt equally unsatisfying.  This was so completely unfair!

Then I thought of another friend who lost her dad recently. I wanted to hear her voice and hear how she was doing. I called her without hesitation and we talked about how she was taking the news of our shared friend’s loss. We consoled each other for being in the “I-lost-my-parent-too-soon club.”

Heart-heavy and grief-stricken I began cooking. I found myself crying and laughing thinking of my Mom. As I moved around the kitchen making soup my consciousness was flooded with memories of my mom and all the time we shared in the kitchen. I could hear her coaching me along, laughing with me.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, I was experiencing so much in one moment. I was resentful, angry, devastated, joyful, nostalgic, and delighted all at the same time. I wasn’t getting what I wanted AND I was so profoundly grateful that all of this was happening. I marveled at my ability to feel so many feelings at once. The realization nearly knocked me off my feet; I had to take a seat. I examined each feeling and allowed myself to feel the full scale of it. I laughed when I considered my anger and the tantrum I was feeling about not getting what I wanted. I felt compassion for my grief and sadness. I relished in the memories of my mom and allowed myself to feel her sitting with me.

When I looked down at my body it seemed so small. How could I feel all of this at once and still be the same size? I thought for a moment I would need to be bigger to allow enough room for all of this to happen simultaneously. Then I felt so much gratitude for my body to make space for this and I literally hugged myself and laughed out loud, tears running down my face.

What a delight to be a complex human being! I was tickled by my ability to feel gratitude for all my emotions. In the past I could see myself pushing my anger away or denying my resentment by telling myself, “How dare you think of yourself at a time like this… how selfish of you!” Instead I allowed it, I told myself it was ok to want what I wanted. I wanted a free day AND I wanted to care for my friend, so what do I choose? I made a choice that made me feel good about me and I made room to feel sorry for myself at the same time. I can do both!

My resentment is never a problem; my judgment about my resentment can be a problem. That day I found appreciation for my resentment and I realized it is my relationship to my reactions that dictate the experience of my life and I see now that I have the ability to be creative and love all of my thoughts and feelings at all times.

This is a huge step in developing my ability to feel deeper levels of appreciation. This experience had me realize that as soon as I think I have hit my limit on what I can do.... I do more. Truly, anything is possible.