Experiencing Gratitude In The Most Unlikely Places

A year ago I was vacationing with my in-laws in San Luis Obispo. We were all staying in the same house and got to spend some really lovely, quality time together. Both of my sister-in-laws have beautiful children, which at the time were all under the age of 4. At breakfast one morning my (then) one-year-old niece was sitting on her papa’s lap and wanted something in the middle of the table. She was reaching for it for awhile as we were all chatting and finally her papa leaned in, grabbed it and handed it to her.

As I was watching this I realized that I had an expectation of my niece to look up at her dad and acknowledge him in some way for getting her what she wanted.  A thank you or a glance of appreciation and instead I was shocked that she did neither of those. In fact, there was no apparent consideration of the act at all. It was almost as if she had expected it to be in her hands all along and now it was just in its rightful place.

It blew me away! I was jaw-dropped because I realized at that moment that the expression of appreciation is NOT innate. It is not an emotion that we instinctively express, it is something that we learn. I observed this practice over the weekend as my sisters taught their kids how to express appreciation. “Say please,” “Say thank you,” were echoed in that house throughout our stay in the effort to introduce gratitude into their vocabulary.

As I continue to watch my niece and nephews grow up I look forward to seeing when they actually experience the feeling of appreciation.

I have been sincerely interested in the practice of appreciation ever since. My thought is this; we are born with the capacity to experience gratitude however, that ability needs to be nurtured and developed. AND if that is the case then how far does our ability go? Could I develop my capacity to the point where I feel gratitude for everything, all the time?

When I first started to think about this it seemed a little ridiculous. Life has too many ups and downs, too many unpredictable losses, and too many “bad” situations. How could one possibly experience gratitude all the time? Can I really feel gratitude for something I don’t like?

I remember a few years ago watching a talk show where someone wrote a book about gratitude and they said that gratitude was a choice. They believed that no matter what the circumstance one could always choose to experience appreciation. They gave extreme examples of feeling thankful for death, war, abuse, etc.

I remember laughing at the thought of how ridiculous it was and how I pitied the people who buy such rubbish.

Well, I can honestly say I have changed my tune. I had a very profound experience this week that proved it was possible to find gratitude in the most unlikely places. 

The other day I was planning the perfect day off. My plan: Have No Plan. If it occurred to me to hike I would hike, if I felt like reading I would read. Overall I was committing to resting and relaxing. Shortly after my leisurely breakfast I was sitting outside reading my book when my husband called me. His voice was heavy when he told me our friend’s mother had passed away from cancer.

When I heard his calm and tight voice utter the words, it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest. My breath caught in my throat and tears streamed down my face. I could hear Lindon’s voice constrict when he registered my reaction. He is so empathic and I could tell he was feeling a lot of hurt and pain for our friend and for me.

I called my friend immediately and she picked up and we cried together. I didn’t know what to say so I just listened and empathized.

After getting off the phone, I sobbed and sat in silence. I was pissed, I was so mad my friend was going though this! I was also angry that my perfect day without a plan was slipping away. All I could think of now was making her food. I considered not making food and that felt equally unsatisfying.  This was so completely unfair!

Then I thought of another friend who lost her dad recently. I wanted to hear her voice and hear how she was doing. I called her without hesitation and we talked about how she was taking the news of our shared friend’s loss. We consoled each other for being in the “I-lost-my-parent-too-soon club.”

Heart-heavy and grief-stricken I began cooking. I found myself crying and laughing thinking of my Mom. As I moved around the kitchen making soup my consciousness was flooded with memories of my mom and all the time we shared in the kitchen. I could hear her coaching me along, laughing with me.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, I was experiencing so much in one moment. I was resentful, angry, devastated, joyful, nostalgic, and delighted all at the same time. I wasn’t getting what I wanted AND I was so profoundly grateful that all of this was happening. I marveled at my ability to feel so many feelings at once. The realization nearly knocked me off my feet; I had to take a seat. I examined each feeling and allowed myself to feel the full scale of it. I laughed when I considered my anger and the tantrum I was feeling about not getting what I wanted. I felt compassion for my grief and sadness. I relished in the memories of my mom and allowed myself to feel her sitting with me.

When I looked down at my body it seemed so small. How could I feel all of this at once and still be the same size? I thought for a moment I would need to be bigger to allow enough room for all of this to happen simultaneously. Then I felt so much gratitude for my body to make space for this and I literally hugged myself and laughed out loud, tears running down my face.

What a delight to be a complex human being! I was tickled by my ability to feel gratitude for all my emotions. In the past I could see myself pushing my anger away or denying my resentment by telling myself, “How dare you think of yourself at a time like this… how selfish of you!” Instead I allowed it, I told myself it was ok to want what I wanted. I wanted a free day AND I wanted to care for my friend, so what do I choose? I made a choice that made me feel good about me and I made room to feel sorry for myself at the same time. I can do both!

My resentment is never a problem; my judgment about my resentment can be a problem. That day I found appreciation for my resentment and I realized it is my relationship to my reactions that dictate the experience of my life and I see now that I have the ability to be creative and love all of my thoughts and feelings at all times.

This is a huge step in developing my ability to feel deeper levels of appreciation. This experience had me realize that as soon as I think I have hit my limit on what I can do.... I do more. Truly, anything is possible.