It makes me think of my friend Patrick’s family. When I was 18 years old my friend Patrick died. He was a healthy 18 year old, going to college and one day he leaned over to tie his shoes to go for a run and he fell over dead. No reason, no cause. It was as if God reached down and plucked his soul from of his body.
The funeral was so emotional, people were sad, understandably, but they were angry too. How could this happen? It was SO unfair! He was a healthy, kind man; he didn’t deserve to go so soon. Everyone had an edge to them except for Patrick’s parents who seemed so calm. They were of course heartbroken, grieving the loss of their son but they knew God had a plan. They knew this was the work of something greater than they could comprehend so they let go what wasn’t theirs to figure out and mourned the loss of their son.
Pat’s younger sister had the same state of mind as her parents: sad AND comforted by her faith that something bigger and better was in control. I remember thinking that if my brother died it would wipe me out. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for a year because it would hurt so much.
The truth is that now, after #101DaysofConnection, I got exactly what I intended for. It's just not that way I thought it was going to happen.
For example, I was reading a post from my friend who had breast cancer had
written and she is so inspiring. She has had to make a choice for treatment and
her decision making process is truly exemplary.
There are SO many opinions out there of what to do and why, each one
condemning the other options for their side effects. Nothing is guaranteed nor
can we predict how she will respond to any of this so the conditions for making
a decision are, let's say, less then ideal. So what has she decided to do? Go all the way baby, no holds barred. Her basis for decision-making rested on one question, “What would I do if there was no discomfort or inconvenience involved?" She refuses to make a choice out of fear just to avoid some potential uneasiness or difficulty. She is the kind of person who will never have to question if she did everything in her power to do. I admire that so much about her, this is why I love her and why we are dear friends.
While I was reading about her process and final decision I was so proud, so thrilled. She is Kick Ass! Her attitude is unflappable. I wrote her a note to share my joy and admiration and I then moved on.
Isn’t it amazing that we can be completely at peace in one moment and completely distressed in the very next moment?
The state I entered after experiencing pride and love for my friend is a condition I affectionately describe as, “dropping my sh!t.” I was pissed at how unfair this situation has become! My friend is making decisions she shouldn’t have to make and I am NOT ok with this at ALL! She doesn’t deserve this! And where is God in all this, huh? I know this isn’t punishment or direct cause and effect and my looking back and asking the question “why” doesn’t get me anywhere but F*&K IT! I want some answers!! THIS ISN”T RIGHT!!!
I let myself have my upset, the full scale of it. I cried, I screamed, I wrote it all out, I let it all go and when I was done I went outside, took a few deep breaths, felt the sun on my skin, reminded myself that everything is ok in this moment right now, and went back inside the office to make phone calls. (Yup, I did this in the middle of my work day. Can you imagine doing that in front of all of your co-workers?).
And the last piece of learning I needed in this project came on day 100 in the workshop where I realized that when I feel the pain and loss I can react to those feelings like Patrick’s family, with faith and love. I do have faith that these people are in my life for a reason and that I am in their life for a reason. Our hearts are bound together by invisible lines of connection and my heart hurts when their heart hurts.
In the past I tried to shut down the connection because I didn’t want to feel the pain but it meant I had to sacrifice deeply connecting and loving others. I could only love them as deeply as I was willing to experience pain. Life will not get easier the more I love and welcome the lines of connection with more and more people. So I will rise to the occasion. I will grow into a person that can handle change and feel grateful to be so connected with the people I love that I hurt when they hurt.
We are all in this together and relationships give us a beautiful opportunity to choose: are we going to quit when things get tough or are we going to do what it takes to stay connected no matter what? If joy shared is joy doubled and shared sorrow is half the sorrow then I want to lean in when my friends and family are in pain so we can cut our sorrow in half. I believe we are handsomely rewarded when we make that choice and I know the people I love would do the same for me. It's just as Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home.” When my heart is open to connection and all the beauty and terror that comes with it I am better able to be a great walking partner, which is all I care to be.
These projects are so magical! I can’t wait to start my next one on kindness.
