Who Am I?

I have seen the above picture several times on Facebook and Instagram and it always catches my attention. Every time I consider the message and think about the labels I give myself.  I think of the names I call myself and the opinion I have about how I show up in the world.

I have attended various workshops where the focus was to create an “I am” statement to live by and in the process see how that statement is true about who I am. I have created elaborate and eloquent statements such as the following:

“I am a conscious, passionate woman dedicated to furthering the growth of myself and others”

“I am a change agent, bringing people together to create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable”

“I am a courageous leader; living whole heartedly while exploring what’s possible and expressing my fullest potential now”

Yes, I have attended three different workshops where we deliberately created “I am” statements and I must say I left each event feeling a little deflated. I can’t be fooled; I can look at each of the above statements and give at least three examples in the last 24 hours where I was none of the above. Perhaps the one constant is that I am a woman. At least with that statement my mind does not seem to find an argument.

The trick to this whole “I AM” process is what I believe. If I do not believe the above statements then what good is it of me to say them over and over again? In fact I can see myself at times proving that the above is NOT true, which is counter to the direction I want to move towards. Ugh.

So rather than trying to train my brain to believe something that it rejects out of hand I am curious about what I already believe is true about me.

For example, a few weeks ago someone I really admire asked me a simple question in a supportive context and it left me rattled. I was spooked for a few days, spinning on the implication of my answer.  This one question left me feeling completely jilted by my mentor, riddled with self-doubt.

Now up until the time of the question I had been feeling really great about myself. I was producing results at work that made me feel proud. Lindon and I were having a blast in our new home. I was meditating regularly and taking time to sit outside and listen. I even started my book. I had written the purpose/introduction as well as the table of contents- outlining each chapter. I felt healthy, productive and vital. It was wonderful!  

So what was the question that put my mind on tilt?

Here it is; my mentor asked, “Do you actually believe the stuff you write or are you trying to convince yourself it’s true?”

My answer was simple and honest, “I believe it when I do and I like to think that is more often then not.”

But man, I left that conversation in bad shape. I felt I was having an identity crisis. What do I believe? What can I expect from myself to remain constant no matter what the circumstance? I thought, “I am spouting ideals that I don’t live by thoroughly. I am a fraud. People must think I’m a liar.”

I felt embarrassed and ashamed and lost and sad. I had thoughts of packing everything up and moving to a place where no one knew me so I could start all over. I abandoned my book idea, I thought to engage in it would be a self-important and indulgent stroke to my suffering self-esteem. I felt disheartened AND yet I chose to keep going in my endeavors.

I worked out, I talked with God, I did my work, I loved my husband, I led workshops, I took care of myself, I ate well, I gardened, I connected with my friends, I read, I did my daily posts and I just kept living.

I had really great days, I had not so great days and I realized that the one thing I can rely on is that nothing is constant. Nothing is permanent. Then it dawned on me that I had been asking myself the wrong question. I had been asking myself, “What’s true about me? What about me can I count on?”

Bad question, as it has me go to the past to find the answer and when I look back I can see how every statement is true and not true all at the same time.

A better question is; “How do I want to show up right now? What is my purpose here?” Then I can define who I Am in that moment AND that is only available to me once I discover who I am not. 

I had to allow myself to feel like a fraud and a liar so that I could really understand that is not who I am. I had just had several weeks where I was feeling on top of the world then someone asked me if I believed it and I had to experience my doubt in order to come to what I believe. I believe I can make anything I want true about me when I am conscious enough to choose.

When I thought I needed to be an expert or a leader of some kind, that's when I was a fraud considering my purpose for writing these blogs.  What I want is to document my journey; the good and the bad, the wonderful and the ugly. I want to be reflective of my life and learn from my daily happenings. I want to show how a “normal” life is actually beautiful and extraordinary. I want someone to read my posts and say, “that’s a genuine chick right there, what an interesting way of exploring life.” I write these posts and blogs because every guru out there writes about life looking back on their journey; I’m at the beginning looking forward and recording each step. I want to capture all my different phases on the way to a more enlightened state of being AND if that helps someone else close the gap on their own journey - well even better!

So I would refine the statement indicating “I AM” as the two most powerful words. For me, the most powerful words are “This is who I choose to be right now"  and developing the ability to consciously choose that state of being is the thrilling game of life.

As for the question: Who am I? Who am I not.

Experiencing Gratitude In The Most Unlikely Places

A year ago I was vacationing with my in-laws in San Luis Obispo. We were all staying in the same house and got to spend some really lovely, quality time together. Both of my sister-in-laws have beautiful children, which at the time were all under the age of 4. At breakfast one morning my (then) one-year-old niece was sitting on her papa’s lap and wanted something in the middle of the table. She was reaching for it for awhile as we were all chatting and finally her papa leaned in, grabbed it and handed it to her.

As I was watching this I realized that I had an expectation of my niece to look up at her dad and acknowledge him in some way for getting her what she wanted.  A thank you or a glance of appreciation and instead I was shocked that she did neither of those. In fact, there was no apparent consideration of the act at all. It was almost as if she had expected it to be in her hands all along and now it was just in its rightful place.

It blew me away! I was jaw-dropped because I realized at that moment that the expression of appreciation is NOT innate. It is not an emotion that we instinctively express, it is something that we learn. I observed this practice over the weekend as my sisters taught their kids how to express appreciation. “Say please,” “Say thank you,” were echoed in that house throughout our stay in the effort to introduce gratitude into their vocabulary.

As I continue to watch my niece and nephews grow up I look forward to seeing when they actually experience the feeling of appreciation.

I have been sincerely interested in the practice of appreciation ever since. My thought is this; we are born with the capacity to experience gratitude however, that ability needs to be nurtured and developed. AND if that is the case then how far does our ability go? Could I develop my capacity to the point where I feel gratitude for everything, all the time?

When I first started to think about this it seemed a little ridiculous. Life has too many ups and downs, too many unpredictable losses, and too many “bad” situations. How could one possibly experience gratitude all the time? Can I really feel gratitude for something I don’t like?

I remember a few years ago watching a talk show where someone wrote a book about gratitude and they said that gratitude was a choice. They believed that no matter what the circumstance one could always choose to experience appreciation. They gave extreme examples of feeling thankful for death, war, abuse, etc.

I remember laughing at the thought of how ridiculous it was and how I pitied the people who buy such rubbish.

Well, I can honestly say I have changed my tune. I had a very profound experience this week that proved it was possible to find gratitude in the most unlikely places. 

The other day I was planning the perfect day off. My plan: Have No Plan. If it occurred to me to hike I would hike, if I felt like reading I would read. Overall I was committing to resting and relaxing. Shortly after my leisurely breakfast I was sitting outside reading my book when my husband called me. His voice was heavy when he told me our friend’s mother had passed away from cancer.

When I heard his calm and tight voice utter the words, it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest. My breath caught in my throat and tears streamed down my face. I could hear Lindon’s voice constrict when he registered my reaction. He is so empathic and I could tell he was feeling a lot of hurt and pain for our friend and for me.

I called my friend immediately and she picked up and we cried together. I didn’t know what to say so I just listened and empathized.

After getting off the phone, I sobbed and sat in silence. I was pissed, I was so mad my friend was going though this! I was also angry that my perfect day without a plan was slipping away. All I could think of now was making her food. I considered not making food and that felt equally unsatisfying.  This was so completely unfair!

Then I thought of another friend who lost her dad recently. I wanted to hear her voice and hear how she was doing. I called her without hesitation and we talked about how she was taking the news of our shared friend’s loss. We consoled each other for being in the “I-lost-my-parent-too-soon club.”

Heart-heavy and grief-stricken I began cooking. I found myself crying and laughing thinking of my Mom. As I moved around the kitchen making soup my consciousness was flooded with memories of my mom and all the time we shared in the kitchen. I could hear her coaching me along, laughing with me.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, I was experiencing so much in one moment. I was resentful, angry, devastated, joyful, nostalgic, and delighted all at the same time. I wasn’t getting what I wanted AND I was so profoundly grateful that all of this was happening. I marveled at my ability to feel so many feelings at once. The realization nearly knocked me off my feet; I had to take a seat. I examined each feeling and allowed myself to feel the full scale of it. I laughed when I considered my anger and the tantrum I was feeling about not getting what I wanted. I felt compassion for my grief and sadness. I relished in the memories of my mom and allowed myself to feel her sitting with me.

When I looked down at my body it seemed so small. How could I feel all of this at once and still be the same size? I thought for a moment I would need to be bigger to allow enough room for all of this to happen simultaneously. Then I felt so much gratitude for my body to make space for this and I literally hugged myself and laughed out loud, tears running down my face.

What a delight to be a complex human being! I was tickled by my ability to feel gratitude for all my emotions. In the past I could see myself pushing my anger away or denying my resentment by telling myself, “How dare you think of yourself at a time like this… how selfish of you!” Instead I allowed it, I told myself it was ok to want what I wanted. I wanted a free day AND I wanted to care for my friend, so what do I choose? I made a choice that made me feel good about me and I made room to feel sorry for myself at the same time. I can do both!

My resentment is never a problem; my judgment about my resentment can be a problem. That day I found appreciation for my resentment and I realized it is my relationship to my reactions that dictate the experience of my life and I see now that I have the ability to be creative and love all of my thoughts and feelings at all times.

This is a huge step in developing my ability to feel deeper levels of appreciation. This experience had me realize that as soon as I think I have hit my limit on what I can do.... I do more. Truly, anything is possible.