Namaste: The Paradox

When I enter the temple I bow my head and press my hands together as if in prayer, "Namaste." I hear in return, "Namaste." We are bowing to each other, we are bowing to the divine in each other and in an instant we are no longer strangers.

In India and Nepal this is a standard greeting for everyone. Namaste means:

"I honor the place in you where Spirit lives.
I honor the place in you which is
of Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace.
When you are in that place in you,
and I am in that place in me,
then we are One."

Can you imagine saying this to everyone you come in contact with? Could you imagine an entire nation holding on to this idea and bringing it up at the beginning and ending of every interaction? Each person knows they hold inside them love and peace all while knowing the same exists inside everyone else. It is truly beautiful. 

So with all that beauty in a simple greeting why is India and Nepal so dirty and smelly? Why is there so much honking and pollution? Why is there so much corruption? How can they greet you with "Namaste" and demand $10,000 rupees to move your travel documents to the top of the pile when you were the first in line, already?? 

Easy. It's all true. One does not negate the other.

I can see how a foreigner could view the attitude of Indians as very self serving, self centered and righteous. Take for example the honking. There is incessant honking, it's an art form. Although I have been here for three weeks I can not for the life of me figure out any rhyme or reason to it. To the untrained ear this honking sounds like a declaration of space. An aggressive, determined, angry declaration to the other drivers letting them know who is boss.

However a very wise  a woman said to me on my first day in India, "When you travel in India you must remember what you have in your pockets. In one pocket, it must be full of patience. There are too many people to have anything other then patience. The other pocket is your expectations, empty them. Carry none with you. You will only be disappointed if you keep your expectations. Besides you need more room for patience. If you open your heart you will see wonder everywhere you go!" 

She was right. I opened my heart to this beautiful country and the people in it and everywhere I looked people are living in alignment with "Namaste". 

On the streets people are honking still and when I listen with my heart I understand that they are communicating with each other. Each honk says, "I'm here, brother. I see you." They aren't declaring their space, they were sharing it. The traffic is busy and packed and yet each vehicle, although moving in a different direction, moves like water. They all flow together. Traffic lights and lines on the ground are just for decoration, these people don't need them. They are paradoxical masters as far as I am concerned, they make a stand for getting what they need and at the same time allow for others to do the same. 

I noticed this on our second day in New Delhi when Lindon and I took a rickshaw ride. A rickshaw is a tricycle with a bench built into the back. Its about 3.5 feet wide and we were going down streets that were 6.5 feet wide with rickshaws going the opposite direction. Now if at any time the rickshaw driver got aggressive and claimed the space as his own we all would have been stuck and traffic would stop in both directions.However no one thinks like that, they all move together.

At the end of the ride we thanked our driver and tipped him. Our driver then gave everything over to another rickshaw driver, all of them did. Lindon and I sat and watched this, as each rickshaw driver came in, they were tipped and they turned over all their tips to one man. 

What we figured out is that these drivers, after building a case for having worked so hard, pushing their legs to the brink and finally asking for "good tip" take all their money and pool it together. They each get more when they work together. It's really brilliant.

Lindon and I toured Muslim Mosques, Hindu Temples and Buddhist Stupas and what struck us most was what the guides called "Indo-Islamic Architecture"; a blend of Hindu and Islamic styles. For example a Mosque will have Hindu elements in it like "Namaste" arches and a temple will have a rounded dome which is an Islamic style. 

The greatest example of this is the Taj Mahal. This is a tomb built out of love by a Muslim emperor for his Hindu wife. 

This country has a very rich history of coming together and honoring the beliefs and ideals of others. What I have come to understand is that honoring someone else's beliefs is not at the expense of dishonoring my own. "Namaste" doesn't mean I put my beliefs aside for yours.  

I am so grateful for this trip and everything that I learned. I am so happy to be going home and seeing all my friends and family. I am desperately home sick and so sad to be leaving here and the incredible adventure I have shared with my husband. This journey has been hard, exciting, sad, thrilling, fulfilling, annoying, joyful, irritating, enlightening, frustrating and totally and completely beautiful. 

Today I am leaving with an understanding I didn't have when I came: it's all true. Everything is possible. The idea that it isn't only shows the limit to my thinking. I can be sad and happy at the same time. I can be selfish and considerate at the same time. I can be in love with this country and desperately home sick at the same time. I can be all that is me and be one with you at the same time. They do not negate each other, one does not cancel out the other. When I empty my expectations and see with my heart I see that all is possible right now. 

This moment. Right now. It is all possible. All Ways. Always. 

God and Trash Continued

Tonight I am in Varanasi, which is the birth place of Hindu and the final destination for thousands of Hindu pilgrims. Daily Hindu preists pray at the bangs of the Ganges river at sunrise and sunset while thousands of pilgrims chant along with them. It is the spiritual capital of India and is considered a sacred city to Hindus, Jains and Buddhists alike.

Tomorrow I will be up before dawn to witness the morning prayers from a boat in the middle of the river.

I have so much to share AND I feel I am in the middle of a great transformation. When I land in a place with better internet connection I will share more. However here is the spoiler alert: religion, honking, trash and the amazing ability to adapt to any environment.

In the mean time enjoy your week and remember that now is the best time and here is the best place for you to wake up and end suffering. Namaste. 

God and Trash

I would be remiss if I didn't write about God in this project. I had my first experience of God when I was 7 years old. I did not grow up in a religious household. My father has a relationship with God that is purely his own. He talks about it like he talks about an old childhood friend. My mother had a relationship with God that was one of deep respect with a hint of guilt. We didn't go to church, we didn't read the bible, we didn't have family discussions and there was an undeniable presence in the house that I am not sure I know how to explain.

Back to my first encounter with God. My brother and I got a weekly allowance for doing chores and every so often we were permitted to use our earnings for candy or soda. The candy store was right around the corner from our house and my brother and I would walk there together. In my memory we were alone but when thinking about it now it's highly unlikely my parents would let us walk there alone at 7 and 5 years of age (AND this is my memory so I will tell it how I like).  I was in charge (being the older sibling) and on this particular day my brother ran way too far ahead of me. I was running to catch up with him and as I did I passed a piece of trash in the gutter. I noticed it and ran past but then I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks, "God saw me see that piece of trash and ignore it. I need to go back and pick it up." So I did. I have been doing it ever since. I can not walk by trash on the street and not pick it up. God knows, I know.

When I was younger that experience of "God knows, I know" was really comforting. It was a feeling of a reciprocal nature, loving and tender. Something akin to, "I have this amazing life that God made possible for me and I am going to thank him by doing random acts of kindness that serve the greater good." Pretty enlightened for a 7 year old eh? Well I don't think so. Not so much enlightened as it is innocent and pure. A simple truth that I understood and experienced as a child and have out grown.

My relationship has changed. I still have the sense that "God knows I know" AND there is an attitude I have about it; I feel distant from God. She is still there, walking along side of me, and I am not talking to Her. When I meditate on it I feel pissy (funky butt) and hurt.

If you could interview the being inside of me that is angry with God, she would sound like this: 

"I feel I have done everything right. I have behaved well, been kind, cleaned up trash that is not my own and you take my mother away! Why would you do that to me? Why do I deserve this?! I don't deserve this! Therefore, I am turning my back on you. You will miss me and then you will be sorry!"

Of course God doesn't care that I have an attitude, He loves me anyway. He listens to me whine and complain and knows that I know that I am having a tantrum and She will be right here when I am ready to feel that tenderness again. (You'll notice I change the pronoun for God as I feel a masculine and a feminine quality for God and I simply have no idea so I am covering my bases)

So here is the kicker! I know all that! I fully understand that I am having a tantrum. I know my mom's passing away didn't happen to me. It happened to her. Her passing away had nothing to do with me but knowing all that doesn't change how hurt I feel. It actually hurts more because I know I could feel that love and connection again with God and yet I don't know how to get it back.

Though, there is something auspicious about 2014. This is all happening for a reason. This year I will celebrate my first year of marriage and my 30th birthday. It has also been seven years since my mother died and that seems very significant. Tomorrow I am leaving for my honeymoon in India and Nepal and those are places that have always called to me.

It is my intention to use this time away as a way to rediscover and reconnect to that feeling of deep love and connection. I am healing. I am ready to have the relationship I once had and develop it into something greater. I am leaving tomorrow and I am certain this adventure will forever change me, even if I don't connect with the Almighty in the way I envision I know He is always there which is why I always have and always will continue to pick up the trash.

Telling The Truth About the Lies I Beleive

 “The weight of lies will bring you down

And follow you to every town 'cause
Nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
When you run make sure you run
To something and not away from 'cause
Lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere”

I am not sure what the Avett Brothers had in mind when they wrote those words but they sing to me this week. I’m not talking about “telling a lie” as in, I know it’s not true but I say it anyway. I am talking about something more lethal than that. I am referring to the lies we believe and when they are unexamined we hold them as truth.

For example, Lindon (pictured left, Mr. Handsome, my husband) and I are planning this trip to India and Nepal for our honeymoon. I have taken responsibility for this trip. I have organized the travel, moved the process forward on our passports and visas, researched and purchased all the necessities for our travel, etc.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly stressed with all that needed to get done for the trip (we are leaving in 7 days!) and I was expressing my frustration to Lindon and trying to find the lie that I was believing that was causing these feelings.

He was asking me questions to help me get perspective and all of a sudden I felt myself get irritated with him. He was asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to and I was really starting to feel anger rise in me. At that moment I casually mentioned, “I want to fight with you. I am about to say something unkind because I have an urge to yell and I want you to be angry too.”

Lindon, being the gift he is in my life, replied, “Let it go then. Yell, shout, whatever it takes to move you through this.”

Before he finished his sentence, I could already feel the feelings dissipate. 

None of my thoughts were substantiated in reality. I was worrying about the future (which obviously hasn’t happened) and criticizing what I have already done based on what I know now that I didn’t know back then.

When I said I wanted to fight, while my husband was trying to help me become clear, I got that what I wanted to do was so far removed from what was really happening in the moment that it became easy for me to find the lie. Several in fact! I was believing the following lies:  “This is all up to me,” “Lindon is too busy, I don’t want to bother him,”  “Lindon doesn’t care like I do about this stuff,” “I didn’t research well enough to have this be easy,” “I should have known better,” etc.

Up until that moment where I acknowledged that I wanted a fight, these thoughts felt true.

So I have had to tell the truth about the situation to change my feelings. The truth is, but not limited to the following:

I never had a conversation with Lindon discussing who would take care of what by when for our honeymoon. I (unconsciously) assumed responsibility, preventing the possibility of collaboration. 

Words can not describe how much I appreciate this project. It makes me mindful, forcing the lies to surface more frequently.  I don’t believe them very long. The more habitually I catch them, tell the truth about them and shift my feelings based on the truth the freer I am to create what I want because I am present to what is happening right in front of me. 

When I set out to do this project I made it my intention to live a life of peace and fulfillment. A life where my thinking is in alignment with what is true. What I didn’t realize at the beginning is how many lies I believe and how habituated I am to believe them.

This project invites me to look at what is "dark" in me. I have been more uncomfortable in the last 63 days then I have been this consistently, ever.

I find this very exciting because I am interpreting this experience as the dark before the dawn. I can sense a momentum building as I go deeper into this project and deeper into myself.

The next piece that will really propel me forward is what the Avett Brothers wrote in their song about, “When you run make sure you run to something and not away from.” I can see that I am still running away from the lies. I am running away from what I don't like about me. I haven’t created a structure in my thinking to run towards the truth.

 
If I really want to have lasting change then I need to establish an emotionally compelling vision of who I am with out the thought: I should have known better.  A vision of who I can be when I find myself believing what isn’t true. In essence, what part of me am I running towards?

As I read over this post, I get the sense that I am running towards the part of me that loves learning and growing, the part of me that is inspired to be my very best self because of the love I feel for those around me. I am moving into the part of me that appreciates how wonderful my life already is and looking for ways to find out just how good life can be because if I find out I can share it with everyone. 

What better place to crystallize this vision then in India and Nepal? What better time then now?