God and Trash

I would be remiss if I didn't write about God in this project. I had my first experience of God when I was 7 years old. I did not grow up in a religious household. My father has a relationship with God that is purely his own. He talks about it like he talks about an old childhood friend. My mother had a relationship with God that was one of deep respect with a hint of guilt. We didn't go to church, we didn't read the bible, we didn't have family discussions and there was an undeniable presence in the house that I am not sure I know how to explain.

Back to my first encounter with God. My brother and I got a weekly allowance for doing chores and every so often we were permitted to use our earnings for candy or soda. The candy store was right around the corner from our house and my brother and I would walk there together. In my memory we were alone but when thinking about it now it's highly unlikely my parents would let us walk there alone at 7 and 5 years of age (AND this is my memory so I will tell it how I like).  I was in charge (being the older sibling) and on this particular day my brother ran way too far ahead of me. I was running to catch up with him and as I did I passed a piece of trash in the gutter. I noticed it and ran past but then I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks, "God saw me see that piece of trash and ignore it. I need to go back and pick it up." So I did. I have been doing it ever since. I can not walk by trash on the street and not pick it up. God knows, I know.

When I was younger that experience of "God knows, I know" was really comforting. It was a feeling of a reciprocal nature, loving and tender. Something akin to, "I have this amazing life that God made possible for me and I am going to thank him by doing random acts of kindness that serve the greater good." Pretty enlightened for a 7 year old eh? Well I don't think so. Not so much enlightened as it is innocent and pure. A simple truth that I understood and experienced as a child and have out grown.

My relationship has changed. I still have the sense that "God knows I know" AND there is an attitude I have about it; I feel distant from God. She is still there, walking along side of me, and I am not talking to Her. When I meditate on it I feel pissy (funky butt) and hurt.

If you could interview the being inside of me that is angry with God, she would sound like this: 

"I feel I have done everything right. I have behaved well, been kind, cleaned up trash that is not my own and you take my mother away! Why would you do that to me? Why do I deserve this?! I don't deserve this! Therefore, I am turning my back on you. You will miss me and then you will be sorry!"

Of course God doesn't care that I have an attitude, He loves me anyway. He listens to me whine and complain and knows that I know that I am having a tantrum and She will be right here when I am ready to feel that tenderness again. (You'll notice I change the pronoun for God as I feel a masculine and a feminine quality for God and I simply have no idea so I am covering my bases)

So here is the kicker! I know all that! I fully understand that I am having a tantrum. I know my mom's passing away didn't happen to me. It happened to her. Her passing away had nothing to do with me but knowing all that doesn't change how hurt I feel. It actually hurts more because I know I could feel that love and connection again with God and yet I don't know how to get it back.

Though, there is something auspicious about 2014. This is all happening for a reason. This year I will celebrate my first year of marriage and my 30th birthday. It has also been seven years since my mother died and that seems very significant. Tomorrow I am leaving for my honeymoon in India and Nepal and those are places that have always called to me.

It is my intention to use this time away as a way to rediscover and reconnect to that feeling of deep love and connection. I am healing. I am ready to have the relationship I once had and develop it into something greater. I am leaving tomorrow and I am certain this adventure will forever change me, even if I don't connect with the Almighty in the way I envision I know He is always there which is why I always have and always will continue to pick up the trash.