Getting What I Want (No Matter What)

John Lennon said; “Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.”

Which can be very frustrating! As a conscious creator of my life I want things to go a certain way. I am conscious of what I eat, what I read, who I hang around, etc. I want to make sure I am doing and surrounding myself with people and experiences I want to have. I make plans and I do everything in my power to keep them.

SO what do I do with ALL this stuff that is outside my control? For example, last week my husband and I were in the final stages to getting our travel visa for India. This has been quite a process. I don’t need to bore you with the details, so the short story is this:

I delayed getting my passport, due to plain inexperience on my part. Its three weeks before my husband and I leave and we still don’t have our visas and now I am flying to Northern California because that is the closest of five Indian Consulates in the United States where I can get the proper documentation. 

Not originally what I had planned and not what I wanted at all. I was largely unaware of the visa process and I think my high intention should supersede government agencies’ timing (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha).

So here I am, standing on a busy corner in San Francisco in line at 8am to get our applications approved for travel. I have made an appointment AND so have the 35 other people for the same time slot. In front of me is the kindest man from Punjab and behind me is a darling man traveling for his Oxford MBA program. The tension increases when 9am rolls around (the appointment time for me and my 35 cronies) and the doors are not yet open. People are starting to get very, very frustrated and they are verbalizing it to each other.

You can see the energy move through the line from the front to the back like a wave. Everyone is mumbling to each other about how the situation is unfair, I mean, we set an APPOINTMENT! By 9:10 we are all still outside and the people are incensed.

I can feel my irritation rise as well, when I made the appointment I had a vision of getting in and out of here in 20 minutes. I did my part, why aren't they....

That is when I stop myself. I am starting to blame them for my irritation. Its not their fault that I had made other plans. How was I to know this is the way they run at the time I made my appointment.
The only problem here is that I think things should be different. Got it. Change of plans, I decide that I am having fun and getting what I want no matter what!

So I start engaging the men on either side of me in some playful banter. I say, “Hey guys, I can see them inside. We are going in soon. They are just setting things up so we can get in and out easily. They are double-checking all our information so they can get us through the line as soon as possible. What do ya think?” The man from Punjab is the first to respond.

“No, no everything is like this in India. We will wait for a long time.”

Mr. Oxford chimes in, “This is ridiculous, what’s the point of making an appointment, anyway!?”

I smile and I say, “Everything is going to work out. Look at this; we are getting an experience of India before we even get our visas, no extra charge!”

Both men laugh and Mr. Oxford asks why I am going to India. I tell him about our Honeymoon. The man from Punjab tells me that we need to go to Agra and see the Taj Mahal because that is what the Emperor built for his wife. He admitted that although he is Indian he had never been to the Taj Mahal and all of a sudden we three strangers became friends. We shared stories about where we have been, where we are going, and what we loved about traveling.

Then that energy starts to move through the line as a very subtle ripple. There is an understated ease on the busy street corner at 9:24 when the door opens (24 minutes past our appointment time).

As we filter through the “check in” counter we are letting each other know how quick we are going to be. We cheer, as each person steps up to the counter, encouraging them, letting them know they are going to be faster than the last for sure!

As we make our way to the next waiting station, staring at the scrolling numbers on the big screen, holding our tickets, pleading for its match to pop up, we are still giddy. Until, the number that shows up on the screen is out of order!! Number 12 goes up before 9. The tension returns, “Hey, wait!” someone barks.

To which I reply, “his appointment was probably scheduled for yesterday!”

Mr. Oxford adds, “Yeah and he slipped the gate keeper an extra hundred bucks!”

Everyone laughs and relaxes.

When I get to the window to submit my application, Sahib greets me with a beautiful smile. He has kindness in his eyes and heart. I mention to him the fun we had in line. He apologized for the wait and I realize, at that moment, there was nothing to apologize for. It wasn’t a wait, we turned it into a social gathering.

As Sahib goes though my papers there are some issues that he assures me he will take care of and push through so I can get our visas today. I express my undying gratitude. He tells me the total for two rush visas and I am short cash. YIKES! I let him know and I promise him I’ll bring more when I pick up the passports, to which he replies, “I’ll cover it. Its not that much and you’ve been so nice.”

Wow. What an incredibly generous offer from a complete stranger. I am touched.

I let him know how much I appreciate his altruism and compassion and I make a vow in my mind to bring him a gift when I come back that afternoon.

Like I wrote at the beginning, this is not the experience I wanted. If I got the experience I had originally planned for I would have had the passport ready six weeks ago and mailed it to the consulate in Washington D.C. I would have saved $600 or more from all the “rush fees.”

If I had the experience I planned for, I would have never had the joy I had in the connection with Mr. Oxford and the man from Punjab. I would not have made friends with Sahib (we have been texting). I would not have had this amazing story.

I make plans, I set my intentions and yet there are situations that are completely outside my control. When what I want to happen is confronted with what is happening it is my job to create what I want in the circumstances I didn’t plan for.

So thank you for quote Mr. Lennon! I appreciate the perspective and I think you are right. If I was more committed to my plans, the way I think everything should go, then I probably would have easily been frustrated, irritated and annoyed at things not going my way. I didn't plan for the lovely people I met and if I were still trying to make my plans happen I would have missed them.

 Here is my new understanding of that quote; “If you are busy making other plans you may miss the beauty and wonder that surrounds you right now. Life is full of infinite possibilities in one single moment, limited only by your creativity. More specifically; life is everything you make it up to be. You choose. Simply make up what you like best in any situation and live it!”

That’s my plan.

The Greatest Gift

I love quotes. To me they are short, sweet, easy to remember and convey a complicated message in a completely relatable way.

Some quotes makes sense to me logically and conceptually AND yet I have no real life experience of them. My favorite example is featured to the left.

When I read the Lao Tzu quote I get the feeling I had as a kid when I "knew how" to tie my shoes but didn't yet have the skills to put it into action.

I mean, "awaken all of myself," I get it, I think... but how? Where do I start?


Well, as you all know, I started this journey a long time ago. A voice deep inside kept telling me that I was here on this earth for a reason. Seven years ago, when my Mom passed away, I got a major wake up call, I knew I wasn't living the life that I knew was in me to live. There was a voice inside me that urged me to get curious about why I am here and what my purpose is in this world.

Shortly after the loss of my mom and that realization about living on purpose, I was on the search for an "answer." I read amazing books, met amazing people and gained valuable insight that changed my life.

Any yet there are still quotes I love and haven't experienced... until recently.

Last week I wrote how I opened up to experiencing the grief and sadness I feel about the loss of my Mom. Well it's amazing what has happened as a result of my opening up.

Two days after I reached out to a therapist about processing my grief, one of my friends who lost one of his parents over 6 months ago reached out to me to talk about how he is dealing with his grief.

Another friend who's mom recently passed away reached out to me to talk about his feelings and invited me into his process with his family in such an intimate way, I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am.

I have worked with two clients that are looking to move beyond heartbreak so they can have deep fulfilling romantic relationships and their greatest fear/resistance is around anticipated loss. I was able to serve them in a more profound way because I have, and currently am, working through my sadness in relationship to loss.

Now is this a coincidence or did my realization cause this reaction in these people? I have no idea! Would this NOT have happened had I not opened up to my grief? No, it would all still have happened. However; who I am and what I am able to contribute to these experiences with those around me is very different had I not gone through my own process.

If any part of me was in resistance to loss or sadness, I couldn't have been with these people to the depth I was through this last week.

We are all connected. When I process through my sadness, I allow someone else to have theirs. I can be with them, understand them, serve them, love them because I don't resent or resist my own feelings. I don't try to make them feel better in the moment because I am uncomfortable with their feelings. I can be with them, no matter how they feel. That is the greatest gift I can give.

My friend Marian and I (you remember her, she inspired this "pay it forward" project) often talk about the "ripple effect." I think people have a very limited understanding of how far they reach. How much each of our lives intertwine with others and how influential our actions are in the world.

I am sure when she started her happiness project she didn't anticipate the impact it would have on me. When I started this project I couldn't have anticipated the awakening I have had and the impact that it has had on the people in my life. I have no idea how far this message will ripple out into the world. It's only my job to put it out there. To express who I am and how I feel and who knows what that will do for others.

Which reminds me of another quote I am beginning to experience at a deeper level. Marianne Williamson said, "As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." I feel it.

I didn't realize how much I was holding back, all I knew was that I had a belief that I was meant for something more. My commitment to exploring that belief has lead me here and my life is truly amazing because of what I have discovered along the way. But don't take my word for it. Go experience it! What does that voice say to you? The one that says, "wouldn't it be great if I..." and then you quickly shut it down with reasons for why not. Don't wait another minute, don't believe another reason for why not to do it. Just do it. Go. Trust me. It's the greatest gift you can give.

Battle Royale Conclusion

Last week I was in the middle of a struggle with my mind. I was upset and not sure why, which is unusual for me. As the self-proclaimed "Conscious Girl" I can normally (because of years of dedicated self exploration, discovery, understanding and awareness) know what I am feeling, what stimulated it, how to manage it and how to move forward with the truth and not my faulty perception.

Well my friends, that was not the case last week. I was "in it" as they say and because I couldn't identify "it" I couldn't get out of "it." I am happy to announce the struggle is resolved and it wrapped up in the most beautiful way I could have never imagined, yet exactly how I intended. I am thrilled to share my process with you. Lets start at the beginning. 

Two weeks ago I noticed I was really easily irritated, overwhelmed and impatient. In meetings and on the phone I noticed that I was quick to judge others and even blameful at times. Now, here’s the thing; I wasn't acting on my feelings (!), and for that I am very proud. Since I started the #101daysofawakening project I can happily report that I do not identify with my feelings anymore. For example, I told my husband last week, "I'm not angry, I feel angry." This was a huge revelation for me. I am not my feelings. I am not the thoughts that create the feelings I am having. I observe my feelings, I experience them and I learn from them. When a feeling is stimulated I relate to it as I would an alarm system. The feeling reminds me it is time to take a look at the way I am perceiving the world around me. Typically, when the alarm goes off, I am believing a thought that I’m having (which is probably some made up lie) and I need to tell the truth about the situation.

In this situation the alarm wasn't about anything in particular. Nothing in my life seemed particularly alarming. So, with what I know about myself, I started to go through a process of elimination: 


1) Do I feel like I am disappointing someone or myself? 
2) Do I feel like I am not getting what I want? 
3) Do I feel like I have been left out or not included? 

---> The above are my main emotional triggers. If my mind is fixated on any of the above then I am operating out of a fear or need.

As I questioned my points of view and myself I couldn't relate to any of those ideas. None of them had a hold on me. At least not in a way I had related to before. So I set my "inquiry" aside and set the intention that what ever was bothering me would surface and that I was willing to experience whatever I needed to experience to move beyond the feelings I was having. 

Well you gotta love it! Thank you Universe! As soon as I let go of needing to know what was making me feel so low, the answer presented itself to me!  


***Side note: personal growth is not a linear process. There are no "7 steps to enlightenment" or "3 keys to spiritual awakening." We all have a unique path designed perfectly to support us and surprise us into becoming what we are fully capable of. The mind wants to know how, the soul wants to run free and play. I am looking for the place where they meet, where I can use my mind to design a playground where I feel awake and alive. It is SO fun!*** 


The pivotal moment: I am on the phone with my girlfriend, who I love dearly, and she is upset. She has had a terrible day at work and she is vacillating between letting all of her emotions go and "sucking it up." She had to get off the call and I went into the kitchen to join my husband in making lunch. He asked me how the call went and when I turned to him I felt the most heartbreaking sadness and I let it all go. 

I cried. Hard. Long. I pleaded. I got sad with a “no holds spar” mentality because I know the only way out is through and I wanted out. Not because of what was happening in the moment but because I knew this unexpressed sadness was what was causing my two-week experience of irritation. I wanted to get to know that sadness, so I invited it in. 

What I said to my husband in my hysterics that really caught my attention was, “When is this going to stop? Is this going to last forever?” And then it all hit me. I remember crying those words when I lost my mom to cancer 7 years ago.  For the last 7 years I have been in resistance to grieving the loss of my mother. When she passed away I got busy and I really haven’t stopped since. 

This project is designed to make me more mindful, more conscious and aware, which gave a chance for this sadness to the surface. I had no idea how much I had been pushing the grief away. After I let it go I felt light, alive, even happy. I was excited that I understood what was happening and that there was something I could do about it.

I have decided to go see a grief counselor; referred to me by a very close friend and I couldn’t be more thrilled. 

I LOVE my mom. I am so happy I miss her so much. She was my best friend, I shared everything with her and when I resist the sadness I feel when I think about her, I limit my ability to connect with her through my beautiful memories. I am glad it hurts; it proves to me how much she meant to me. I also know that I limit the depth and connection with my Dad, Brother, Aunt, Cousins, etc. because they all remind me of her and when I am so uncomfortable with missing her then I am uncomfortable being around them. 

I am excited to see what my new relationship with my mom looks like. I can’t wait to see how processing through this adds to my current relationships.   

This has been a big week for me. I feel free.

The Battle Royale Between Me and My Mind

Whenever I am describing personal growth to someone I always use a physical analogy: 

Just as we work out the muscles in our bodies, we must work out the muscle of our mind. Just as we have muscle memory and habituated patterns in movement (the way we sit, stand, hold our shoulders), we have habituated patterns in the way we think and feel. 

If we want something different in our life we need to think and feel differently. The muscle has to tear if its going to grow.

Currently I am struggling with my growth. I have been feeling very low energy (a mixture of sad and angry) for the last two weeks. For some reason I cannot put my finger on what in me is driving these feelings. What am I believing? How am I perceiving the world that is causing this feeling?

 

I have felt very unsuccessful and defeated. I also have a voice in my head that keeps saying, "Who cares? Trying to discover what is going on with you in this way is a self-indulgent waste of time." 

AND that won't stop me. I may be feeling low, but when I started this journey I made a commitment to master my emotions. I am dedicated to the work I do, and if I give up.... then how will I serve someone else in pushing past the discomfort of facing what causes their own personal suffering? This is the Battle Royale between Me and My Mind. I encourage you to place your bets now because I am pulling out to win.

Here is a video Nike created that speaks about the nagging voice we all have that gives us permission to take the easy road. The one that convinces us to give up. Although the message in the video is talking about pushing yourself physically, it really speaks to me in terms of the development I am doing emotionally and spiritually. 

 

I hope you enjoy it. I wish you the ability to drown out the voice of uncertainty with the sound of your own heart.

 

Stay tuned. There will be updates on the Battle Royale soon!