Battle Royale Conclusion

Last week I was in the middle of a struggle with my mind. I was upset and not sure why, which is unusual for me. As the self-proclaimed "Conscious Girl" I can normally (because of years of dedicated self exploration, discovery, understanding and awareness) know what I am feeling, what stimulated it, how to manage it and how to move forward with the truth and not my faulty perception.

Well my friends, that was not the case last week. I was "in it" as they say and because I couldn't identify "it" I couldn't get out of "it." I am happy to announce the struggle is resolved and it wrapped up in the most beautiful way I could have never imagined, yet exactly how I intended. I am thrilled to share my process with you. Lets start at the beginning. 

Two weeks ago I noticed I was really easily irritated, overwhelmed and impatient. In meetings and on the phone I noticed that I was quick to judge others and even blameful at times. Now, here’s the thing; I wasn't acting on my feelings (!), and for that I am very proud. Since I started the #101daysofawakening project I can happily report that I do not identify with my feelings anymore. For example, I told my husband last week, "I'm not angry, I feel angry." This was a huge revelation for me. I am not my feelings. I am not the thoughts that create the feelings I am having. I observe my feelings, I experience them and I learn from them. When a feeling is stimulated I relate to it as I would an alarm system. The feeling reminds me it is time to take a look at the way I am perceiving the world around me. Typically, when the alarm goes off, I am believing a thought that I’m having (which is probably some made up lie) and I need to tell the truth about the situation.

In this situation the alarm wasn't about anything in particular. Nothing in my life seemed particularly alarming. So, with what I know about myself, I started to go through a process of elimination: 


1) Do I feel like I am disappointing someone or myself? 
2) Do I feel like I am not getting what I want? 
3) Do I feel like I have been left out or not included? 

---> The above are my main emotional triggers. If my mind is fixated on any of the above then I am operating out of a fear or need.

As I questioned my points of view and myself I couldn't relate to any of those ideas. None of them had a hold on me. At least not in a way I had related to before. So I set my "inquiry" aside and set the intention that what ever was bothering me would surface and that I was willing to experience whatever I needed to experience to move beyond the feelings I was having. 

Well you gotta love it! Thank you Universe! As soon as I let go of needing to know what was making me feel so low, the answer presented itself to me!  


***Side note: personal growth is not a linear process. There are no "7 steps to enlightenment" or "3 keys to spiritual awakening." We all have a unique path designed perfectly to support us and surprise us into becoming what we are fully capable of. The mind wants to know how, the soul wants to run free and play. I am looking for the place where they meet, where I can use my mind to design a playground where I feel awake and alive. It is SO fun!*** 


The pivotal moment: I am on the phone with my girlfriend, who I love dearly, and she is upset. She has had a terrible day at work and she is vacillating between letting all of her emotions go and "sucking it up." She had to get off the call and I went into the kitchen to join my husband in making lunch. He asked me how the call went and when I turned to him I felt the most heartbreaking sadness and I let it all go. 

I cried. Hard. Long. I pleaded. I got sad with a “no holds spar” mentality because I know the only way out is through and I wanted out. Not because of what was happening in the moment but because I knew this unexpressed sadness was what was causing my two-week experience of irritation. I wanted to get to know that sadness, so I invited it in. 

What I said to my husband in my hysterics that really caught my attention was, “When is this going to stop? Is this going to last forever?” And then it all hit me. I remember crying those words when I lost my mom to cancer 7 years ago.  For the last 7 years I have been in resistance to grieving the loss of my mother. When she passed away I got busy and I really haven’t stopped since. 

This project is designed to make me more mindful, more conscious and aware, which gave a chance for this sadness to the surface. I had no idea how much I had been pushing the grief away. After I let it go I felt light, alive, even happy. I was excited that I understood what was happening and that there was something I could do about it.

I have decided to go see a grief counselor; referred to me by a very close friend and I couldn’t be more thrilled. 

I LOVE my mom. I am so happy I miss her so much. She was my best friend, I shared everything with her and when I resist the sadness I feel when I think about her, I limit my ability to connect with her through my beautiful memories. I am glad it hurts; it proves to me how much she meant to me. I also know that I limit the depth and connection with my Dad, Brother, Aunt, Cousins, etc. because they all remind me of her and when I am so uncomfortable with missing her then I am uncomfortable being around them. 

I am excited to see what my new relationship with my mom looks like. I can’t wait to see how processing through this adds to my current relationships.   

This has been a big week for me. I feel free.