Being a Funky Butt

If Funky-Butt isn’t a technical term, it should be.

Funky-Butt Definition:

A state of mind where nothing ends well. Ever.

Even if Merriam-Webster doesn't wakes up to the potential of this word, I will continue to use it as an endearing term to characterize my critical, snarky, pessimistic, lower-lever thinking.  Sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I don’t.

Last week I caught myself being a Funky-Butt with my husband.

Side note; I am married to the most amazing man on the planet. He is kind, considerate, protective, loving, tender and so darn happy. He is a really happy guy. Catching myself being a Funky-Butt is not particularly difficult since he is usually really positive. The real trick is not making him suffer my funky attitude.

Back to the story, we were wrapping up work last Tuesday. He had just finished a meeting that went really well and he was excited for the future. He rushed to my desk to tell me about his plans. Usually I am very attentive, curious, engaging and supportive. However on this particular day, what my husband found at my desk was a stress case on the edge of losing her mind. Why? Not sure. Just because I can, I guess.

Funny part is; I look exactly the same. I am a dangerous breed of Funky-Butt. I am completely unsuspecting to on-lookers.

So as my husband starts to share his joy, I feel the urge to shut him down and send him away. However, with the beauty of awareness, I instead say, “Honey, I can tell you are so excited about this. I want to hear ALL about it. At this moment, I am really distracted, can we talk about this later tonight?”  To which he replies, “Oh, good idea, that will give me time to put some more thought to all of this.” 

Aww, he is still a happy guy. I didn’t act on how I felt so the disaster was avoided.

It’s beautiful when I catch it myself, unlike when it is brought to my attention because I had been unaware of it for over a year…

This week a very dear friend of mine brought to my awareness how I had been a Funky-Butt and she was supremely disappointed with me and let me know just how painful the impact of my being a Funky-Butt had on her.

This is extremely heart breaking for me. It is never my intention to hurt anyone, least of all the people I love. So when I read her letter and saw how my actions were perceived I knew I was not behaving from my higher consciousness. There was something subconscious that had been driving my behavior and I wanted to know why.  What in me had me act this way and how had I been so unaware of it? 

I began to write. I wrote pages and pages about what I had done, how I felt, what story I told myself about her, the situation, etc. What I realized during the process was that I believed a story that was not true.

I’ll start at the beginning: I drank too much at her wedding and left 30minutes into the reception after making a complete fool of myself. Did I mention I was the maid of honor? Not my finest moment, in fact, I was mortified, I am still sick when I think of how I behaved. Without going into too much self-deprecation (which has been a specialty of mine- a side of me I am happy to say good-bye to during the #101daysofawakening) I considered my actions unforgivable and continued to live my life not forgiving myself, even though I had a conversation with my friend after the wedding and she said that she wanted to move forward from this experience.

So, I heard her yet in my mind I thought it was impossible. I spent much of the last year avoiding her because I felt so bad when I was around her. Not because of anything she did but because of how I thought of myself around her. Without realizing it I had convinced myself that I was “too busy to see her,” “I shouldn’t call and invite her because she wouldn’t enjoy it,” “I can hang but only for a little while,” etc. None of which were true, it was what I made up to avoid the pain I felt when I looked at her and remembered how I behaved.

I knew there was something off between us but I was convinced it was because I had done the unforgivable and we would never be the same.

Well thank God I choose friends who have a better sense then me. My Bizzle (this is another brilliant term of endearment I have given my beautiful strong friend) had enough. She was fed up with the relationship I had created in reaction to my mistake and let me know.

I am so grateful she did because I got the opportunity to see how I had been avoiding a feeling and not being a very good friend. She believed I could do better and held me accountable to the friend I am capable of being and the kind of friend I want to be and believe I can be. I am so deeply appreciative of the courage she had to call me out on the carpet.

We had a great conversation, we made agreements to move forward and I feel truly transformed. We are better because of it, I am better because of it, and it made me realize that conflict precedes growth. The muscle has to tear if it’s going to grow.

If I live my life in avoidance of conflict, hurt or pain, I’ll never grow. Well, thank you Bizzle for showing me that pain is uncomfortable but it doesn’t last long when we face it head-on. Thank you for showing me that we can use that discomfort to create something better. Thank you for showing me that even being a Funky-Butt won't ruin things if we are dedicated to what we are truly capable of being...and nothing less. I love you Bizzle.

Conversations with the Woman in the Moon...

...Or the Universe, or Mother Nature, or God, or Source, or the Almighty, or my Higher Consciousness...

Anyway, I can't tell you who I have been in conversation with, all I can tell you is that she is a woman and she is very wise. I struggle with what to call her because I really don't know and I don't think I am supposed to know. As soon as I name something or think, "I know" what something is, I have just limited the possibility of what else it can be and the potential of what it can become.  I am also really enjoying exercising my faith, I don't need to know, I just need to have faith and trust that I am receiving the message I need to hear.

 I have been walking on the beach at night and the moon has been big, bright and lighting up the world in a way I'm not normally accustomed. I enjoy the change in perspective. These walks are very quiet, no one is on the beach which gives me the opportunity to focus on a question I have and let the world show me the answer. I have received some amazing messages from the Woman in the Moon.

For example, I have been curious about my fear of not living up to my vision. I have a huge vision of building a global community, working together to create happier, healthier lives. It is so important to me, not only because of the difference it will make in the world, I see this as my contribution in this lifetime. Actually when I break it down to my most basic and powerful motivator, my vision is the world in which I want to raise my kids. Everywhere they look they see peace, love and support. I believe it is possible and I will do what ever it takes to give that to them. (Yes, my hypothetical children, that are not even a glimmer in my eye, drive a lot of what I want to do in this lifetime).

Back to my fear; I have these completely irrational thoughts about not living up to my vision. I think, "Its too big and I am too weak" or "I have no influence, who cares" or "There is no way I can do something that important"... blah blah blah. These thoughts are not substantiated in reality, they are a projection of myself in the future which hasn't happened yet.

So, I asked the Woman in the Moon, "why do I have these thoughts, why do I create this fear for myself?"

I ask and I sit until something comes up for me, proving to the Woman in the Moon that I'm dedicated to finding the answer. She then replies, "How are you to lead others to peace if you can't find your own? You must move past your fear consciously so you can share the way with others."

OK. Sounds good to me. Well... wait... I ask, "How do I move past my fear? My thoughts come in uninvited. If I could choose the thoughts that come in my mind those wouldn't be the ones!"

Again, I wait. She replies, "Invite the fear in, see it for what it is, then you will see the fear is not real. Once you do that, reality will follow."

Nice. Sounds simple, but not easy. I have one more question, "How do I know it's not real? It feels REAL!"

To which she replies very quickly, "Nothing you see is real. All you see/experience is your story of what is real. You are making all of this up, what causes you fear and what causes you joy, is your projection. When you give up the story you will experience what's real."

Now I am even more confused, "Eh, I'm not sure I follow. My mind is reeling. How do I tell the difference?"

She, with kindness in her voice answers, "Follow your heart to what makes you happy, to what makes you feel alive. Yes, your story will come up again and again. Don't give up. When you dismantle the story, you will be free."

Message received. Thank you. I love you, whoever you are.

Creating the Experience I Truly Want

Everything starts with intention. Look around, everything you see is the result of someone's intention and it is in your life right now because of your intention. 

Writing an intention is a powerful act. I use intention writing when I am looking to accomplish something important and I don't want my lower lever thinking driving my behavior. Writing an intention is where I  consciously direct the power of my subconscious mind to create what I intend to happen. It is crucial that I believe it, I write it as if it already happened and that it is EXTREMELY emotionally compelling.  

When I started this project I had an intention of experiencing creativity, inspiration and an awakening. I am looking to awaken a part of me I have experienced so few times. This part of me is childlike, loving, energetic and compassionate for myself and others. Currently, I practice compassion but I want to live from compassion. There is a major difference for me. Can you relate? 

Thus far in the process I have merely gone through the motions. I have completed my daily tasks, kept my agreements, cleaned up the broken ones and still not feeling the depth of experience for which I am seeking. 

Well... I'm not going to let myself get away with a shallow experience! I have written an intention and I have shared it here with all of you. Will you hold this intention with me?  

 

April 12, 2104 

I am in awe. I am alive, awake and free. I have come into relationship with the beautiful world around me. There is harmony peace and love in everything I see. I am excited for each and every moment, I can't wait for what's next. The world unfolds in front of me in perfection that I feel deeply. My connection to the universal consciousness humbles me in a way where I feel peace, joy and love in all ways, always. 

Sights, sounds, and smells are all more vibrant and wonderful. People are beautiful. I connect with everyone easily. We are better for having connected with each other. I am free. My emotions are vital and fulfilling. Each sensation moves me. I feel a deep sense of appreciation for each feeling I have and when I have it. My mind and body are communicating and I am listening. All is one. Mine are like yours. Yours are like mine. Working in perfect harmony; in perfect correspondence with all. 

I am at peace, I am free, I am alive. I am unstoppable. I connect in a way that used to feel risky and now it feels deeply right. This is the way it has always been and now I remember. I am childlike, youthful and playful.  Like a two year old I am fearless and open yet responsible like the woman into which I have grown. I breathe deeply. Each inhale is a gift, each exhale is my contribution. I laugh deep, full belly laughs because I am delighted, God's creation is truly inspiring and I am one in the same with all I see. I am creative.  I see possibilities.  I see all that is. All is perfect and right AND there is more! I am thrilled at what more there can be. 

The world is awake. I see it now. People are loving, compassionate and curious. I serve others with clarity, focus, ease and grace. I create safety because I love all I see with all my heart. I am open and willing. I create a space for understanding. I listen. People are drawn to me. I am honest and compassionate in my feedback. People share openly and I am delighted, giddy! How fun to know what other creations exist. I am happy to serve, humbled to serve the other creators in the world. How lovely the things people choose to create to show them who they truly are.  I enjoy serving those who look to create from a place of purpose. I hold accountability with ruthlessness and compassion; with tenacity and complete understanding. Man is capable of the work of God, we are creators and I serve others in remembering that. 

Lindon and I are closer then ever. We are conscious, loving, joyful and I am amazed at how deeply I feel connected to him at all times. I feel I can do anything with this strong man by my side. When I am thinking of him I am passionate and enthusiastic. Who I had to become to have a man like him in my life is so inspiring to me. I am constantly reminded that pure bliss is possible, that we can all create the life of our dreams. He is positive proof  that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do because he is the greatest gift I have ever received. We laugh everyday. Connected, bright, deeply loving, passionate and caring for one another. I am so excited for the life we are creating together. True love is possible for all. We find it in each other every day. I am sincerely moved to tears when I think of what we will pass on to our children. 

My connection with God, the Universe, the Almighty is strong. We are one. I am a piece of a large fabric. I am connected to everything in nature. All is expressed through me. All is expressed in others.  I see so clearly myself in all things and all things live in me. We are one. We are whole. We are together and separate in the most magical way. I am so deeply grateful for all things. I am so grateful for myself. I am so grateful for this life I am truly living. 

Free to be the perfect expression of myself. Free to love with all my heart all that is. Free to invite others to do the same. Free to invite all with me on this amazing journey. Free to share the experience of the Almighty Universe, the deep connection to self, love and joy that lives inside all living beings. Together in perfect harmony and balance. We are all one, I feel it in every cell in my body and it all started with this journey.

Broken Agreements

It is 8:50pm and I am freaking out because I am about to break another agreement to post my weekly blog post by 9pm on Tuesday. I am so worried about meeting this agreement that I have zapped all creativity and can think of nothing to say. I would love to have some profound piece of information to share but at this time I just need to get this done.

This week was a huge lesson for me. Not an exciting one or an entertaining one but an important one.

I believe that my life is successful to the degree that I keep my agreements. This week I noticed that I have been very sloppy with my word and it is my intention to clean it up.

When I set out to do this project I had a picture in my mind of who I wanted to become. My vision is an experience of my life where I am more grateful, relaxed, and creative. Creative in the sense that I create the experiences that I want by making a commitment and doing whatever necessary to put that into action. 

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book, The Four Agreements, "Your word is the power that you have to create... the word is the most powerful tool you have as a human..." So who am I if I give up on my word? If I allow myself excuses and reasons to get me out of my agreements, then I will never develop the creativity it takes to achieve what I set out to do.

In order to restore integrity with myself I must learn from this experience; why did I miss these agreements? Its my belief that when an agreement is broken it is because a sub-conscious drama is driving my choices. 

I broke my agreement to be in bed by 10pm on Thursday and Saturday and I didn't do my meditation in the morning on Monday. It didn't occur to me as it was happening, I never had the thought, "I'm not doing what I said I was going to do." So I had a conversation with Lindon (my husband/personal development facilitator/guru/best thing that ever happened to me) about what could have possibly had me be so oblivious.

What I discovered is that I broke these agreements because I was pushing myself to "not let people down." I have a deep fear of being found out that I am selfish. My worry is that people will think that I am only thinking about myself, and then they will leave me and never want to be around me ever again. This is the cosmic joke! My unwillingness to be selfish IS SELFISH! Its still driven from a selfish point of view that has me not take care of myself because it is more important that I take care of you. Its up to ME to not let others down. As if I have that kind of power. I dont remember anyone voting me Queen of the F%$*#ing Universe.

This is a belief I had developed at a very young age and it shapes most of my decisions, therefore, with my old thinking: if what I want/need is an inconvenience to others I should avoid it at all costs.

Who I am becoming is someone that co-creates with those around me, who expresses what I want and encourages others to do the same. I am the possibility of us all having exactly what we want or working with those around us to create something better.

Mother Teresa said, "I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things." When I hold back, I hold back that opportunity.

I realize now that I set up agreements that are not in alignment with who I want to be. One of the agreements I broke was to be in bed by 10pm. It is not my intention to travel to India or be with my friends and family and cut time short to fulfill this agreement. I no longer commit to being in bed by 10pm.

The rest of them I will to keep because I am interested in becoming the person I would have to become to keep them. Why? Because I said I would. 

Its 8:59pm and in order to keep this agreement I didn't have time to review this. Hope it was good. Talk to you next week.