Broken Agreements

It is 8:50pm and I am freaking out because I am about to break another agreement to post my weekly blog post by 9pm on Tuesday. I am so worried about meeting this agreement that I have zapped all creativity and can think of nothing to say. I would love to have some profound piece of information to share but at this time I just need to get this done.

This week was a huge lesson for me. Not an exciting one or an entertaining one but an important one.

I believe that my life is successful to the degree that I keep my agreements. This week I noticed that I have been very sloppy with my word and it is my intention to clean it up.

When I set out to do this project I had a picture in my mind of who I wanted to become. My vision is an experience of my life where I am more grateful, relaxed, and creative. Creative in the sense that I create the experiences that I want by making a commitment and doing whatever necessary to put that into action. 

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book, The Four Agreements, "Your word is the power that you have to create... the word is the most powerful tool you have as a human..." So who am I if I give up on my word? If I allow myself excuses and reasons to get me out of my agreements, then I will never develop the creativity it takes to achieve what I set out to do.

In order to restore integrity with myself I must learn from this experience; why did I miss these agreements? Its my belief that when an agreement is broken it is because a sub-conscious drama is driving my choices. 

I broke my agreement to be in bed by 10pm on Thursday and Saturday and I didn't do my meditation in the morning on Monday. It didn't occur to me as it was happening, I never had the thought, "I'm not doing what I said I was going to do." So I had a conversation with Lindon (my husband/personal development facilitator/guru/best thing that ever happened to me) about what could have possibly had me be so oblivious.

What I discovered is that I broke these agreements because I was pushing myself to "not let people down." I have a deep fear of being found out that I am selfish. My worry is that people will think that I am only thinking about myself, and then they will leave me and never want to be around me ever again. This is the cosmic joke! My unwillingness to be selfish IS SELFISH! Its still driven from a selfish point of view that has me not take care of myself because it is more important that I take care of you. Its up to ME to not let others down. As if I have that kind of power. I dont remember anyone voting me Queen of the F%$*#ing Universe.

This is a belief I had developed at a very young age and it shapes most of my decisions, therefore, with my old thinking: if what I want/need is an inconvenience to others I should avoid it at all costs.

Who I am becoming is someone that co-creates with those around me, who expresses what I want and encourages others to do the same. I am the possibility of us all having exactly what we want or working with those around us to create something better.

Mother Teresa said, "I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things." When I hold back, I hold back that opportunity.

I realize now that I set up agreements that are not in alignment with who I want to be. One of the agreements I broke was to be in bed by 10pm. It is not my intention to travel to India or be with my friends and family and cut time short to fulfill this agreement. I no longer commit to being in bed by 10pm.

The rest of them I will to keep because I am interested in becoming the person I would have to become to keep them. Why? Because I said I would. 

Its 8:59pm and in order to keep this agreement I didn't have time to review this. Hope it was good. Talk to you next week.