Loving What Death Can Touch

This is the final week of #101DaysofAwakening and it has been the toughest week of all. I had every intention, consciously, of going out with a bang and having fun with the last few days of this project. Clearly I had a subconscious intention that was much stronger because I had a major tantrum. 

Let me define tantrum. 

People normally think of children uncontrollably kicking and screaming on the ground. My tantrum is much more subtle then that, its me not doing what I know to do. There is a feeling of righteous indignance, that if I were to personify it, it would sound like, "I don't wanna and you can't make me."  

However, my mind is slick so instead of hearing those words in my head I make up more adult reasons that people would "buy" like, "I'm just so exhausted." or "I'm too busy, I can't find the time." and my favorite "I'll get to it later."

As conscious girl I am well aware of that particular thought and feeling combo. I knew I was in avoidance of something, I just wasn't sure what it was. Normally, I would manage my feelings, I would do the task anyway, push through exhaustion and keep my word.

This week I decided to "lean in" to my avoidance. I didn't finish this blog on time, I put off doing my daily pages, I was halfhearted in my meditation and with all that going on I could hear my mind's judgement of not getting done what I said I would do.

I listened to the judgement but I didn't take it on or believe it. I was more interested in what was causing this feeling of sloth. I wanted to get to the bottom of what this tantrum was all about and why it was showing up now?

There is a saying that when your mind is quiet your soul will speak. Well, it's true. 

So I'm sitting in the waiting room at my chiropractor's office looking at the pictures of the babies he has treated and my mind starts to wander. I start thinking about my friends; several are pregnant or just had babies. They are all living in Northern California and I live in Southern California. I have missed several baby showers and I am about to miss another one. This makes me REALLY sad. I miss my friends and I want to be a part of their pregnancy and be with them and their beautiful babies but I feel so far away. I am afraid that their lives will change so rapidly and I won't be a part of it and eventually we will grow apart and we won't be friends any more. When I think about my friendship with them this way (anticipating an end) I feel sad and desperate and I obsess over what I can do to stay connected.

BINGO! I got it.

This is a huge realization for me! In being afraid of the end I do what I can to protect myself from anything ever ending. I am trying to hold on as tight as I can to keep whatever it is in my life, or worse, minimize how I feel so I can convince myself it isn't that important to me when it's over.

I see this "holding on" all over my life; in my work, in my relationships and I see myself playing it out at the end of this project. In fact when I tell the truth about it, I never finish books because I never want the story to end, it will take me weeks to read the last two chapters and I have already started two other books to distract me from the ending. I never want phone calls to end, I could talk for hours and when I have an appointment after the call I keep the conversation going until the last moment.

If I continue to live with this fear, then in my opinion, I am not really living. How do I know these things should remain in my life? How do I know that when people are ready to move on that they shouldn't? How do I know something better isn't waiting for me on the other side of the end? And the question that really has my attention now, how much am I holding back from enjoying how much I love something or someone right now because I am afraid it will end later?!

The end is a certainty, nothing is permanent. I can't protect myself from all endings and I love too many things to try and pretend I don't care. Loss is the cost of love. I am willing to experience heartache if it means I can have a deeper experience of love right now.

I can see that for the last 7 years I have avoided grieving my mom because I would have to face the end of that relationship. 

I deserve to miss my friends, we have a strong connection and it hurts being away from them. The relationship I had with my mom was so close and so beautiful it warrants my mourning. One day Lindon and I will have kids and I will watch my heart walking outside my body and I refuse to give up any ounce of love for them even if it means the possibility of experiencing overwhelming fear of something happening to them.

I love people, deeply, fully and intensely. My relationships mean everything to me which is terribly risky because people are the most impermanent thing in the world. 

I can see now it takes tremendous courage to love what death can touch. But I will think about that later. Its time for my chiropractic appointment.