Everything Will Be Ok In The End

At the end, I wasn't ok. I thought I did everything right to end this project of #101DaysofAwakening and I really didn't like that it was over. 

I looked at my resistance to ending things I love. I discovered my feelings of pain and hopelessness that came with the end. I took time to celebrate what I had done in the first 101 days of 2014 and I was awed by how far I had come and how much I had grown. Yet I was still feeling unsettled about the whole ending process. 

I wanted to move on to the next project AND I needed to find resolution to the conflicted feelings I was having about #101DaysofAwakening. So I sat with it...for two weeks... and then... I got it. I now know how to end this project but let me fill you in on my process. 

When the 101st day came I felt the grief accompanied with the ending. I wanted to do something symbolic to wrap up the process so I took all my pages of processing One Belief Statements  and I reread each statement out loud, said good bye to it and burnt it. I did this process with my husband and when I had burnt the final sheet I told him of my new intention and who I was now that I didn't believe those stressful thoughts. It was a beautiful night, felt free and renewed. I felt totally connected with my husband and deeply in love. The next day I read the intention I had written for this project and I felt I had  nailed it! It was a weekend of great celebration! 

The following week I felt lost. I knew what I wanted to do for the next project AND something felt off about the whole thing I couldn't put my conscious finger on what was causing my discomfort with moving forward. 

Thanks to the #101DaysofAwakening I have learned to pay attention to my feelings. They are signals from my body letting me know that something needs attention. The tricky part to this whole process is that I am developing my ability to interpret these feelings and their meaning.

In the first week I attributed my upset to my new project. It was going to be on #101DaysofYoga. I was going to do 30 minutes of yoga everyday with  focus on spirituality, meditation and deep breathing. I'm glad I objected to that before I committed because I know very little about yoga and to commit to doing it every day to the degree I wanted to for 101 days was absurd. After thinking about it I felt like I was a 5th grader trying to write a dissertation on Marcel Proust. So I revised it. 

I still felt unsettled. My mind was telling me to move forward and that I was feeling antsy because I hadn't committed to anything yet. My mind screamed, "You are getting sloppy, you need structure, just move forward." As you can imagine it was useless listening to my mind so I tuned into my body. I was feeling sad about the end, which was to be expected but there was something else that nagged at me. It was a longing, I yearned for a missing piece and then it hit me. For 101days I ended every day with a gratitude. I need to end this project the same way. 

My first gratitude is to the person who is reading this blog and anyone who has ever read this blog. You have no idea the impact you have had in my life. The thought that some one is out there and cares enough about what I have to say to read these ramblings touches my soul. It motivates me to share, think and process. It is because of you that I am committed to being the best person I can be day in and day out because you (all of you are valuable, loveable and deserve the very best of me. Thank you for the constant inspiration and being a gift in my life.

Next I long to express my gratitude to my dear friend Marian. She is the biggest risk taker I know. She is fully committed to what is important to her and shares it with all of the world. She lays who she is out for everyone to see, judge, question, challenge, disagree and deeply love. She will never hold back because she is afraid of what someone will think of her. I was inspired by her pure self expression that she expressed (and continues to share) in her happiness projects. She is a courageous free spirit and I am humbled and deeply grateful that she calls me a friend and invited me to pay it forward. If it was not for her unadulterated bravery I would have never had the guts to put all my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see. Mar, I love you so deeply I wiggle ;) 

 The appreciation I have for my friend Lisa is deep and strong and lasting. Lisa you are MY Consciousgirl. You were the fuel that kept me going. You reminded me that there was someone out in the world who "got me." You were with me every step of the way sharing your joy and pain and inviting me to share more of mine. It was life changing to have someone share this process with so intimately. Our connection is at true and rare gift. You are my conscious sister. Thank you so much for your energy and your BIG LOVE.

 Of course I could not have done any of this without the love, guidance and support of my darling husband. Lindon when I think about how you held me when I cried, how you danced with me when I celebrated and how you read and reread countless blog posts I am moved to tears. You are my partner, my team mate and my best friend. You provide the safety to I need to explore the scariest places imaginable. I know that you and I will always be side by side, holding hands, smiling because there is nothing stronger then the love you and I have for each other. Sharing my life with you is the greatest adventure, having you be so involved and supportive of what I do is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you for being the kind of person that brings out the best in me. Nothing bring me more joy then being your wife. 

There. Now this project complete. Thank you #101DaysofAwakening for proving to me that everything will be ok in the end.