Writing to My Future Conscious Children

Dear Babies,

You are nowhere near existence and yet I dream of you often. Your future father and I talk about you; what you will be like, what will interest you, what we will do together as a family, the values we will live. I dream about what you will look like (God willing you will have your father’s hair), I pray for your health and happiness, and I love you like crazy. You have not come into being and yet the thought of our lives joining one day fills my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to hold your little bodies in my arms and kiss your cheeks. I can’t wait to be put to the ultimate test of being your mother and watching my heart forever walk around outside my body.

I always wanted you and yet I must admit there were times where I said I wasn’t going to have you. That was only because I was scared. Not of childbirth, it was the thought of raising you that scared me most. I wanted the best for you and I looked at myself and thought you deserve better. My behavior and emotional capacity would have led me to be a controlling, stressed out mom. I didn’t want that for you, I wanted to protect you from my inadequacies; I love you too much to pass them down to you.

Which brings me to the purpose of this letter. I want to thank you. I am so grateful for the possibility of you because it has given me the courage to show the world who I really am. In 2009 I realized that I wanted you more then I wanted to live without you and I made the most important decision that changed the trajectory of my life forever. I decided that I wouldn’t let fear stop me from having the things I want, which in turn led me down a path of personal growth, compassion and healing.

When I get scared, you always come to mind and I ask myself, “Would I be proud to pass this down?” It gives me great clarity, as it makes the questions easy to answer.

Today I had to make a really scary decision that impacts someone I care about. I decided to stay true to my values and ask them to leave my life. Staying together only served the illusion that I was helping or being kind.

Sometimes we have to do what is uncomfortable and trust that everything will work out because it always does. As long as your intention is pure you can do no harm.

I am happy to pass that on to you. I can honestly say that a year ago I would have compromised my values to serve the illusion.  There is nothing in this world you can’t handle. A few years ago I wasn’t so sure of that and as I write you now I know it for certain.

You will feel pain, you will feel heart ache, you may suffer and I trust you will land on your feet. I trust your journey will lead you to exactly where you need to be and you will be wonderful because of it. Although I am sure I will always want to protect you from hurts, and I will jump in from time to time. I promise I will not protect you from life.

I will not protect you from my inadequacies because there are none. I am a perfectly imperfect human being with a kind soul and a lot of love for you. You deserve life. The full scale of it, beauty and terror, and part of the joy of being your mother is the dance I will do balancing giving you guidance and getting out of your way.

I was motivated to take this journey because of you and it has me feel free. It is because of this journey that I realized that I wasn’t really protecting you from me, I was protecting myself from the potential pain I would feel if anything ever happened to you. It is because of this journey that I know that whatever the outcome of your life, I will be ok. I always am and I won’t trade one moment of loving you to protect myself from the possibility of pain.

A lot of these lessons I learned, by the way, come from your future father. He is one brilliant man AND he is the greatest partner in the world for me. I am extremely happy to pass that on to you. Our love, mutual respect, and honesty will be a great foundation for you. We laugh a lot together, we cry together and we sing and dance together. I am sure you will enjoy your time with us and I look forward to seeing whom you choose as a mate. My parents set an amazing example for me, as did your father’s, so you come from a good long line of loving couples. I look forward to seeing how your love story unfolds.

You will be here in the next few years and thanks to your inspiration I am doing everything to prepare for your arrival. Taking good care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually just like my mom did for me.

Love you endlessly in all ways, always,

Mom