Shame

Wow. Well, this one crept in unnoticed and unexpected. Who knew that in a project dedicated to kindness that shame would be such a large component to consider?

My mom used to say, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” and to be completely honest with you I NEVER understood what she meant by that. However, in reflection I see how it makes perfect sense with what I am dealing with right now.

Berne Brown says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” So coupling that with what my mom said the converse is true as well. As we start to amplify the positive emotions we amplify the painful emotions… and actually that is not completely true either. A more true statement is: when we amplify our positive emotions we amplify the possibility for painful emotions to arise as well.

So a way to think about this is if I am NEVER willing to have a broken heart then I will not be able to fully fall in love. When I fall in love I must be willing to have a broken heart. It does not guarantee that I will but if I were never willing to be brokenhearted I would never have the chance to be in love.

Capisce?

Enough with theory… here is my connection to shame and kindness.

So as I have enthusiastically barreled down the road of expressing kindness in every encounter I have simultaneously filled my heart with joy. I realized the delicate difference between being polite and being kind and the impact that can have on someone. I also experienced the thrill of leaving kindness behind for someone to find while disconnecting from the outcome of knowing if or how it impacted someone’s life. I have been more deliberate in expressing appreciation and have engaged in a level of creativity to express gratitude in ways I never have before now. My heart is SO full it has expanded to fill the entirety of my body, pushing up and out against my skin.

This has been, as my good friend Lisa always says, a “yummy” experience. With my heart so close to the surface, it is more susceptible to being touched; for both pain and joy.

Now, shame has crept into my consciousness and I must say I never expected this feeling to show up in my life. In my first project of #101DaysOfAwakening I realized that I separated myself from people for fear of getting hurt and feeling heart broken. So I decided to deliberately create a project that forced me to connect, which was my next project #101DaysOfConnection. However, during that process I realized how slick my mind was; I brilliantly went through the motions of reaching out but did not emotionally connect. That led me to kindness; acting in kindness is a very emotional connection for me. I feel love and gratitude with every act and I feel it deeply. There are also times where I feel hopeful that these acts of kindness will help the recipient. I hope that it will alleviate their pain and suffering in some way. 

Since I started this project I have felt many times tied to the outcome of the kindness and deeply sad and ashamed because it did not work out the way I wanted.

As I have investigated this feeling I realize that I am disappointed in myself for not being able to help people like I want. In my perfect world I would be able to save people from their own suffering. I would have superhuman powers to bless all those in pain and take it all away.

I shared this with a friend and he kindly smiled and said, “If you try to be the God for other people they never get to have their own experience of God.”

I conceptually understand that statement, however, I just don’t feel good about not being able to control the suffering of others. The immature and underdeveloped part of myself feels shame for not being able to do what I should be able to do. I am supposed to make a difference and I have given myself impossible criteria to meet in order to do that.

As a kid I always felt responsible for my little brother. I thought that if I were good he would be happy and my parents would be happy with me. I thought that if I could get him to behave everything would be OK and everyone would be happy. As a kid I truly thought I had the power to do all of this and I have kept this idea with me into my adulthood. 

No wonder I have protected myself from emotionally connecting. If I had let myself connect I would have had to feel the shame of not being able to save someone else...no thank you!

Important lesson: There is a subtle and profound difference between saving and supporting.

So now that I recognize the belief that is running underneath the surface I will make this an opportunity to grow.

The amazing opportunity in this situation is to own all of my thoughts and fears around helping others so I can bring it up to my awareness and make a different choice and feel something different. I want to nurture the part of me that wants to support and lay to rest the part of me that wants to save.

So here is my intention as I move forward in this process:  

I am tender and loving to the part of me that wants to save people and make a difference. It comes from a pure and loving place. I will honor that part of me and continue to look for ways to give and be kind to others. I let go of the outcome and I trust that no matter what happens it will ultimately lead to us all to finding our way home.

I embrace, accept and at times celebrate the pain others feel because I know it will lead them to their own resolution, their own empowerment and their own way home. I will lend support in all the ways I am willing and that has me feel awake, alive and conscious.

I meet the shame I feel around this issue with empathy. I cannot save anyone. I cannot make choices for anyone but myself. I allow all my feelings to come up and I am willing to feel the full scale of their cycle. I know on the other side of these feelings is complete and total freedom. On the other side of these feelings is my ability to be completely committed to loving and fully willing to lose. 

I replace my criticism with compassion. I exchange my doubt for faith. I trade my fear for surrender. I choose unconditional love in always, all ways and I start with myself.