Giving and Receiving

Saturday when I woke up I had a very normal morning.  I got out of bed, turned on the tea pot, did sun salutations waiting for the water to boil, poured myself a cup of tea and sat outside to write my morning pages. The morning pages went as usual, a little resistant at first as my mind wakes up and then I got into a good pace and thoughts flowed out of me and on to the paper effortlessly.

I wrote about some dreams I have about giving on a broader scale. I want to live a generous lifestyle. I want to have free time to volunteer. I want to work for Techo and build houses in Brazil. I want to teach at the school I visited in India. I want to go to a convalescent home twice a week and just be with someone.

 "It is better to give than to receive" hummed in the back ground of my mind but I had no idea how much that belief dictated my actions until later Saturday afternoon. 

After I finished up my morning pages the morning continued to be normal. Took a shower, had breakfast, got dressed ready to go to a workshop and waited for my husband to pick out an outfit to drive me to the office.

Yep. That is when things got strange...

I was waiting for my husband to pick out an outfit??? He has one style (that he sports very well) and it takes him all of three minutes to make a decision, get dressed and go.

Now, all of a sudden, he is Goldie Locks, "this shirt is too small!" "These shorts are too big!" "This doesn't match." I thought he had lost his mind. I am frantically trying to put outfits together that he will like because I need him to get out the door so I can be on time.

Then it dawns on me, this is weird! What am I doing? I look at him and I say, "You are stalling on purpose!" He looks me straight in the face and says, "Yes."

Instantly my energy sinks and a nervous pit begins to swell in my stomach. This is odd behavior and now I know it is on purpose and I don’t know why. I plead with him to tell me while he pretends to be distracted by getting dressed. All of a sudden there is a knock at the door.

We freeze and stare at each other.

With alarm I ask, "Who is it?" He smiles and says, "Go answer the door".  I plead one last time, “Please let me know who it is!!” He simply grabs my hand, bringing me into reality and out of whatever craziness was in my head and sooths, “Go find out.”

When I opened the door it was my sister-in-law and my nephew who live in Seattle.  Overjoyed to see them I screamed which frightens my two-year-old nephew and I jumped and wrapped my arms around them both. After whipping the tears from my eyes I asked, “What are you guys doing here?” To which my sister looks down at her son and says, “Hand Auntie Cassie the letter.” Aww… you are just a cryptic as your twin brother I see...

The letter read:

Suffice it to say my day was anything but normal after Taylor and Bobby "came over." They were followed by a ton of my friends who came from all over to participate in the adventure race. I can’t begin to describe all the surprises and fun we had so here are a few pictures from our great adventure:

My husband knew I wanted this for my 30^th birthday and we couldn’t make it happen on my actual birthday day so he collaborated with his older sister Dana to plan this entire day and make it a surprise to me. His twin sister Taylor traveled from Seattle to be apart of it and my friends arranged their plans to travel from all over to be a part of this great adventure! We had a blast!

I am beyond grateful. There are not enough words in the dictionary, flowers in the garden or cards at Hallmark to accurately express how appreciative I am for all the planning, secrecy, coordination, arranging and rearranging it took to make this day so fun and special...for me.

And yet, in a quiet moment I feel a twinge of anxiety on the heels of the whispers in my mind, “You don’t deserve this. What have you done for Dana to warrant this time and attention? You need to think of a way to repay her.”

Again, as you know, I don’t believe this self-depreciating story any more and yet I want to pay attention to it. It may not be true but it shows up in my life for a reason and I want to understand its message. So I share my observation with my husband in between adventures and as we talk I share that I believe we get what we give and right now I am having a hard time seeing what I have done to have this extravagant gift show up in my life. 

I turn to him, as he is driving to Casey's Cupcakes where there is a crowd of people waiting to sing happy birthday to me,  and with tears in my eyes I ask, "How do I know I deserve this?" 

Without hesitating he responds the most simple, beautiful truth, "Because it is in your life right now." 

At that moment I realize there isn’t a scorecard in life and love, there is no one tallying up points as to who did what for who and when.

My father in law, Lindon Crow, wrote this beautiful article about enriching the lives of others. The below is an excerpt that really speaks to me now:

“Herein lays the power of reciprocity.  When we receive we give, when we give we receive.  We must keep the flow open by always doing our part which means to receive graciously and with appreciation and gratitude and to be willing to give without reservation or fear of scarcity.  In fact, we often have to deal with a lot of resistance when it comes to giving.  But, if we don’t deal with that resistance than we will stop the natural flow and inevitably our own lives will cease to be enriched.”

My part is to give and receive graciously, wholeheartedly with as much love and gratitude as I can muster. 

So what if I can't see a direct relationship in what I have done to deserve this day. That is a flimsy way to look at it, for three reasons: First of all my self perception is unreliable at best, so I will reject that out of hand. Second, how do I know what I have given? Strangers with a kind smile and the time to show me the way when I am lost have changed my life and they don't know the impact they have had on me. Third, what I have "done or not done" is in the past and completely out of my hands. What is in my control is what I choose to do from here on out.

I want to make a contribution in this world in a big way and part of giving is receiving. I do not want to create a bottleneck in the flow of reciprocity and restrict my ability to give. I also want to celebrate and feel grateful for the amazing people in my life who do overwhelmingly incredible acts of love and kindness for me. If greatness is showing up in my life, I graciously and humbly accept and I will continue to look for ways to give and receive with an open heart and the continued desire to return the love I feel and so deeply appreciate.