Connecting to Spirit

I am looking for someone. I have been searching for her for a long time. We were very close once, so much so that I couldn't tell where she ended and I began. Maybe you would call it a soul. Maybe others would call it our pure self. I’ll call her Spirit. I am not sure of the impetus of our separation but I am certain of what assured our split. 

I wonder if the beginning of the end was a tragic incident? Like when we were kids and the neighbor girls we loved playing with most moved away. We sat on the floor of their playroom pulling toys out of boxes pleading with them to stay. Our heart broke in two; we were devastated by the loss while fearing the experience of losing again. Hopelessness took over. I wonder if I started to separate from her then. 

Perhaps it was more gradual. We were so devoted to each other in the beginning. Life seemed so safe, loving and supportive. Then my baby brother showed up and those feelings faded some. They faded more when school started. The idea that I had to earn belonging started to creep into my mind and I became obsessed with figuring out how to be wanted by others. Connecting with the people out there became priority over connecting with the spirit in here. 

When my Mom died that was the last time I genuinely felt connected to my long lost spirit.  This is when I knew that life was truly unsafe and a total rip off. Instead of some all-knowing and all-powerful presence (or God, or Creator, or whatever you want to call It) keeping us safe from harm, It became unreliable.  How could anyone protect themselves from the unseen presence? A presence that up until that point had been the only safe thing I could rely on. All of a sudden this presence came to play in my life in a way that made no sense to me and seemed to be incredibly indifferent and unfair.  I was angry and when I heard my Spirit say, "God has a plan, there is always a reason." I thought she was more against me than with me and I turned my back on her. 

Still I think of her often. She was loving, patient and compassionate. She was fun and free. She had an awe-inspiring faith and connection to something greater that aroused deep passion and appreciation. She truly understood that there is a reason for everything and yet never needed to know the reason. She loved with reckless abandon; She saw the innocence in people and invited them into her heart without reservation. She was fearless when it came to loving others whole-heartedly.

I, on the other hand, have always been shrewd and critical. Less trusting and more skeptical about who to let into my heart. That is only because I didn’t understand that there was a purpose to the pain. I felt the pain and wanted to get away. In fact I would anticipate pain and do whatever I could to get away from it before I felt it again. She was always wiser than I but when it hurt so badly I had a hard time believing in her equanimity. I interpreted her calm composure as a naivety that would surely lead me to suffering.

I lived in fear of the pain and I started to pull back from life. I retracted into myself when I separated from her. 

I am happy to report that I am older and wiser now. I have done my work and I have grown into someone who can handle heartache. My skepticism was immature and naive; I didn’t understand that grief was the price for love. I didn’t realize that the pain was my heart tearing and growing back stronger like all my other muscles. I didn’t recognize the pain as a guide and that when experienced with love creates the strength I need to create an extraordinary life. 

I am ready to reconnect. She is the truth. Who I created to protect myself is the lie and I have no need for that lie anymore. My heart is strong and getting stronger and I am capable of experiencing the truth of who I am. It is scary as hell, and I can feel it as I write. I am petrified of what could happen and I am ready to lose it all if it means experiencing what’s true and loving whole-heartedly again. 

She is me, my spirit, my soul, and the part within me that is divine. Once I asked God what my purpose was in this life and I heard His response very clearly. My purpose is to love. To love everything, everyone, every situation with all that I have in me and to start with myself. I remember living that way once. I will again. 

As soon as I let go of the idea that we are separated.