Reconnecting

Hey Mom, 

It has been a while since we talked. In all honesty I have been avoiding you. I know that you don't take it personal, you understand that it has everything to do with me. It's just that I miss you so much it hurts. You died 7 years ago today and the night before you passed I asked you if you would always be with me and you said yes. I want to apologize. I know you kept your promise, it was I who left you. I'm coming back and I want to connect with you again. I want to feel you around again. So I have to reach out to you again and this is my first attempt.

So much has happened since I talked to you last. Where do I start?

First let me tell you about Dad. He is really special to me, you know, and it was been hard for me to connect with him after you passed. At first I wanted to take care of him, also known as "control him to live the way I think he should live." I thought if I told him what to do I would make sure he wouldn't be in pain any more so that maybe I won't feel pain anymore. Well, bless his soul, he doesn't want to move out of it. He isn't being melancholy or morose or anything like that, he is just still in love with you. He loves missing you, it reminds him how much you mean to him. I can see that now. He is a good man with a big strong heart. In my arrogance and fear I thought his willingness to miss you was an unwillingness to move on. Now I see that he is moving on while missing you. I'm taking notes. 

Then there is Trevor. What a guy, he is a super cool kid. Trevor is so brilliantly creative. He can write poems, play guitar and teach. He can find a bunch of different ways to teach one complex math concept to children in a way they can understand. His mind is truly amazing. He also suffers from epilepsy and that breaks my heart. I want to fix it, make it better for him and I can't and it hurts. I have distanced myself (unconsciously) because I am so afraid of what could happen to him. It feels safer to be distant but it also feels wrong and lonely and wrong and I dont like it anymore. So I invited him to do the #101daysofconnection project with me. Whether he does it or not is not the exciting part, the exciting part is that we are talking regularly about what is going on with us. Just to connect.  Just so I can get to know my baby brother again. I thought you would be happy to hear that. 

So.. me... well... there is so much. I have found my life's work. You will get a kick out of this; I work with people as they discover their gifts and talents to live extraordinary lives. My clients lives are so important to me, I will do whatever it takes to serve them to the best of my ability.  Although I fear the pain I may feel when I open up to you (and any relationship I could lose) I will do it because I can not facilitate healing without doing it first myself. This work pushes me to better myself and my situation and I am so deeply grateful to be a part of it.

I married the love of my life. Mom, you would totally dig him. He is kind and funny, he dances with me, he plays soccer, his favorite rock band is Led Zeppelin, he loves me and he has a great head of hair! Did I score or what? He asks about you all the time. He wants to know where I came from. I feel so alive with him. I feel safe and free. He inspires me to reconnect with you because we are going to have children one day and I want to be a great mom like you. My kids deserve the best, not someone who is afraid to love because she lost. Lindon reminds me that my heart is a lot stronger than I think. There has been so much to celebrate in my life and I have always felt a little sad because I don't get to share it with you. I see now that was a choice.

I have come a long way in the last 7 years and I can see I have a long way to go. I am still really pissed you are gone. I had a long communication (not a conversation, I don't care what He has to say right now) with God this morning letting Her know exactly how angry I am that out of all the people in the world you were the one to go. I am reconnecting to that relationship too. It's going to take some time for me to make peace with it and after 7 years I am ready to heal. 

Unknowingly, I turned my back on you thinking that that is what I would have to do to move on. But Dad is really the one who had it right. We will move on by remembering you, by missing you. 

I still dance around the living room to rock music, I still hike, and I still have teatime just like you. I always think about you at those times but now I will start talking to you too. I'll let you in on what’s new. There is so much great about me because of you and now I am going to learn from the strong women you are and be one too. 

When I grow up I want to be just like you. I am looking forward to finally growing up.

I love you Mommy

Nose kisses,

Cassie