Insane Courage

First of all I have to say I am SO proud of myself. Second of all I have to say that it feels SO weird

to say that but it is true! I feel like a 2 year old kid, completely delighted with myself, wanting to raise my hands in the air and shout, “I did it!” Then I imagine everyone will look at me with a big smile on their face and applaud. Which
I will like and appreciate but it doesn’t feel as good as my own self-satisfaction. “I did it!”

That is what focusing on being kind feels like for me. For the last 20+ days I have loved focusing on what I can give, how I can serve, what surprise I can leave behind and each day I have a moment of complete self-satisfaction because I did it! In most cases people will never know that it was me, I won’t receive a reward or any public recognition. I simply get the joy of knowing I put something benevolent in the world for someone to enjoy and it brings me pure thrill.

Now I have a judgment about the above and I will save that for another blog post because this post is about what I learned about kindness that blew me away.

Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deft can hear and blind can see.” I whole-heartedly agree. I believe that kindness is a very powerful force that breaks down walls and moves beyond limits. It makes the impossible possible because it is a connective energy that brings out the best in all of us. Kindness makes us feel safe so that we are free to create and dream and collaborate.

Its power is undeniable AND I can shove it to the background because of other beliefs that seem more important in the moment. 

For example, the notion of being “polite,” can override acting in kindness.

Let me explain; when my mom died I was devastated but I didn’t want my sadness to burden anyone. Friends would call and ask to come and see me and I would turn them down. They would ask if I needed anything and I would tell them I was fine. I hid from the world thinking I was being polite by not putting my sadness on anyone else. I was being considerate of others feelings and shielding them from my sorrow.

One day a girlfriend called me and asked if she could come see me and I again, politely turned her down. However, she didn’t listen to me. She showed up at my doorstep with flowers and a hug and I still think about that day and I tear up. I am so moved that she was brave enough, loving enough and kind enough to not listen to me. She wanted to connect and refused to be shut out. She was hurting that I was hurting and wanted to hug me.  I am forever grateful for that kindness.

Fast forward to today, my girlfriend who used to have cancer is going through chemo. She is an extremely consciousgirl and engages the people around her to create a loving flow of kindness. People are constantly stopping by, offering food, hugs, blankets, sharing joy, laughs and connection. My friend is Jewish and the synagogue she belongs to has an entire system of sending bread and care packages to her front door via a rotating group of volunteers.

I asked my friend about this practice and she told me that in the Jewish faith, if some one is in need, the community will not put the person in a position to ask for assistance, they just give without request. No one politely called her and asked her if she wanted them to bring bread (giving her the opportunity to turn them down) they just show up.

I had the benefit of staying with her the week after one of her chemo treatments, which is her toughest time physically. Her body is pushed to the max trying to regulate and incorporate all the alien substances flooding her system. It exhausts her so she and her husband set up a system so that she is never alone or in need. They opened time slots where people assign themselves to come over and just hang with her, or sit next to her while she sleeps and they bring chicken soup.

It seems so opposite from my experience with my mom. My mom had a ton of friends and family but she really only wanted to be around the majority of them when she was feeling well. The family came together and took care of my mom but I felt isolation. Even when I went out with friends I didn’t want to talk about what was happening with my mom and I told myself I was being thoughtful not to burden them with my troubles… but honestly I was afraid.

I was afraid people would get tired of my situation and me. I was afraid I would burden my friends and they wouldn’t want to be my fiends anymore. I was unconsciously, with all the best intentions, being “polite,” which was just a smoke screen for my fear.

So here is the conclusion I came to about kindness:

·      Sometimes kindness isn’t polite, it may seem counter intuitive or pushy. But be bold, it has extreme pay offs (be aware that you may not know when or how)  

·      When someone is in need, help them

·      When someone is starting to isolate, go connect

·      When someone tells you they can’t do it, don’t believe them

·      When someone points out what doesn’t work, point out what does

·      When someone says they don’t have the time or money to do the things in life that are really important to them… DON’T BUY IT

I am learning that giving kindness can be awkward, insistent, intrusive, and maybe even down right rude. At least I am afraid it will be perceived that way… 

…And maybe it will! SO what! I would rather be kind by sucking up my nervousness and telling someone they are beautiful or that I see something speial in them than to be polite and hold my tongue with the possibility that no one has ever said that to them.

I would rather be courageous and tell someone that they are capable of way more than they think and get hung up on than courteously agree that they can’t do what makes them happy for the sake of getting along.

I would rather lovingly show up at a friend’s house when she is in need and have her turn me away than respectfully believe she is fine and leave her alone when she was just being polite.

I would rather take the risk and know I did all that I could do to live a courageously kind life than to hide under the guise of being well mannered and courteous. Someone did it for me and it moved me deeply. In gratitude, I choose to pay it forward to all those who cross my path.  

The Ripple Effect

The other day I was out on a walk, picking up trash, per usual. However, on this particular day there was A LOT of trash. I was stuffing loose papers in my pockets; I had bottles and cans tucked under my arms and loose cardboard in stacks in my hands. I was getting towards the end of my walk when a car pulled over right next to me. The man in the passenger seat held something out of the window for me. At first glance it looked like a wadded up napkin. I thought, “Oh come on... is this guy seriously handing me more trash?!” As I walked closer I saw that it was a wadded up plastic bag, the kind in a grocery store. This perfect stranger held it out and said, “Will this help? Thank you for picking up the trash.”

I almost cried. I was shocked, pleased and so grateful. I took the bag, filled it and I gave him a hug through the window. I thanked him and waved goodbye and told him to have a glorious day!

That simple kindness and brief encounter has stuck with me. Truth is, if you asked me to pick these guys out of a line-up I wouldn’t be able to point them out AND they made my day! I am so grateful for them and their generous spirit.

As I walked back to the house with a huge smile on my face I thought about what I learned in #101DaysofConnection.

I learned that there are invisible lines of connection that bind our hearts together so whenever we can share joy it’s doubled! Whenever we share sorrow it’s divided. We can accomplish great things when we come together.

Think about every major tragedy, the aftermath is always so inspiring to me. We band together and create volunteer organizations, outreach programs, fundraisers, etc. I have to say I am grateful for what follows a tragedy because of the love and support that we share with perfect strangers. In fact, usually my efforts are sent to an area I have never been before and are to the benefit of people I will never meet.

So why do I do it? Because I care and ultimately putting that energy out in the world makes me feel good about me. It makes me feel like I am doing the work of something greater. My very conscious girlfriend Kari says, “My God is one of restoration. One who dives in, gets dirty, and heals…I feel my faith is strongest and most real when I see his work in the aftermath. Where people come together, crying in each other’s arms, shining hope and love even in the darkest of times.”

I think she is right AND I also think it doesn’t take a tragedy to come together in that way. I am now experiencing love and hope for someone who handed me a plastic bag. These feelings and this ability to support my neighbor is not relegated to when times are tough… I mean let's face it… when are times NOT tough for someone? Sometimes our struggles are public, along with others in the community but who hasn’t experienced some kind of struggle on their own in their life in the last day? We all have our own private battles every day. We are all in this together. I am in to double joy and divide sorrow whenever possible.  

As I walk in the house it becomes very clear to me: I want to perform random acts of kindness every day! I want to love and support the people around me. ALL of them! They are in my life for a reason and I wish to leave them better then when they found me.

Introducing my next project: #101DaysofKindness

The intention of this project is to take time every day to be deliberately and overtly kind to everyone from total strangers to the ones I hold most dear. My intention is to spread love and kindness to all I come in contact with and I look forward to the creativity that comes with looking for a special way to brighten someone else’s day.

I already open doors for people, say hello, smile, etc. So I want to do something above and beyond the normal. Here is a list of ideas I have come up with so far:

-       Stopping someone and telling them what I like about them (I often think about it but never say it)

-       Write letters of appreciation for the server when I go out to lunch or dinner

-       Volunteer at a nursing home, sing songs, hold hands

-       Leave a generous donation for my Yoga instructor

-       Buy coffee for the person behind me in line at the coffee shop

-       Look for a need and fill it

-       Bring cookies to my neighbors

-       Send flowers to the people in the office next to us

-       Organize a coat drive

-       Organize a food drive

-       Send a care package to a soldier over seas

-       Ask how the people at the check out line in the grocery store are doing

-       Leave surprises for my co-workers in their desks

Who knows what the day will bring and what else I can create in the moment. I am open to seeing what the day presents and then using that as an opportunity to respond with kindness.

In order to support myself in the project I will commit to the following for myself:

ONCE A DAY:

- As many overt random acts of kindness I can create

- 45 minutes quiet morning time of walking, writing, or meditating

- Daily instagram post on my random act of kindness

- TV and computer off at 9:30pm

- Gratitude journal

ONCE A WEEK:

-       2 Hour Artist Date (time alone to explore other possibilities for kindness)

-       Blog Post

-       2 yoga sessions

-       3 cardio sessions (If I don’t have my health what do I have to give?)

I am SO excited about this! I can’t wait to share my stories! However, there is one thing I ask: Will you join me? You certainly don’t have to do 101 random acts of kindness. Just do one deliberately, consciously and tell me about it. In fact if you would like to be featured on my blog nothing would thrill me more than to share your story of kindness.

We are all connected and that makes me feel an awesome sense of responsibility. If you share the same values and want to play I would love to play with you! Let’s create a ripple effect of love and joy that reaches farther than we can imagine and leaves an impact that lasts forever.

So I'm in... are you?

Following The Invisble Lines That Bring Us Home

As I reflect on #101DaysofConnection I have to laugh. I started this project as a way to overcome my fear of loss. I thought that if I felt more connected I wouldn’t feel the impact of loss so deeply. I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much when I, or someone I love, felt pain because I would be overwhelmed by the connection we have and my appreciation for that connection would overtake or minimize any hurt.

It makes me think of my friend Patrick’s family. When I was 18 years old my friend Patrick died. He was a healthy 18 year old, going to college and one day he leaned over to tie his shoes to go for a run and he fell over dead. No reason, no cause. It was as if God reached down and plucked his soul from of his body.

The funeral was so emotional, people were sad, understandably, but they were angry too. How could this happen? It was SO unfair! He was a healthy, kind man; he didn’t deserve to go so soon. Everyone had an edge to them except for Patrick’s parents who seemed so calm. They were of course heartbroken, grieving the loss of their son but they knew God had a plan. They knew this was the work of something greater than they could comprehend so they let go what wasn’t theirs to figure out and mourned the loss of their son.

Pat’s younger sister had the same state of mind as her parents: sad AND comforted by her faith that something bigger and better was in control. I remember thinking that if my brother died it would wipe me out. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed for a year because it would hurt so much.

The truth is that now, after #101DaysofConnection, I got exactly what I intended for.  It's just not that way I thought it was going to happen.

For example, I was reading a post from my friend who had breast cancer had written and she is so inspiring. She has had to make a choice for treatment and her decision making process is truly exemplary.  There are SO many opinions out there of what to do and why, each one condemning the other options for their side effects. Nothing is guaranteed nor can we predict how she will respond to any of this so the conditions for making a decision are, let's say, less then ideal.

So what has she decided to do? Go all the way baby, no holds barred. Her basis for decision-making rested on one question, “What would I do if there was no discomfort or inconvenience involved?" She refuses to make a choice out of fear just to avoid some potential uneasiness or difficulty. She is the kind of person who will never have to question if she did everything in her power to do. I admire that so much about her, this is why I love her and why we are dear friends.

While I was reading about her process and final decision I was so proud, so thrilled. She is Kick Ass! Her attitude is unflappable. I wrote her a note to share my joy and admiration and I then moved on.

Isn’t it amazing that we can be completely at peace in one moment and completely distressed in the very next moment?

The state I entered after experiencing pride and love for my friend is a condition I affectionately describe as, “dropping my sh!t.” I was pissed at how unfair this situation has become! My friend is making decisions she shouldn’t have to make and I am NOT ok with this at ALL! She doesn’t deserve this! And where is God in all this, huh? I know this isn’t punishment or direct cause and effect and my looking back and asking the question “why” doesn’t get me anywhere but F*&K IT! I want some answers!! THIS ISN”T RIGHT!!!

I let myself have my upset, the full scale of it. I cried, I screamed, I wrote it all out, I let it all go and when I was done I went outside, took a few deep breaths, felt the sun on my skin, reminded myself that everything is ok in this moment right now, and went back inside the office to make phone calls. (Yup, I did this in the middle of my work day. Can you imagine doing that in front of all of your co-workers?).

The next day I was in a workshop and I shared my experience from the day before and I realized that I had accomplished my intention for this connection project. I am more connected to my friends, family, body and spirit then every before. My mistake in the beginning was thinking that connecting would shield me from feeling pain, but it does quite the opposite! It makes me more vulnerable to pain and loss.

And the last piece of learning I needed in this project came on day 100 in the workshop where I realized that when I feel the pain and loss I can react to those feelings like Patrick’s family, with faith and love. I do have faith that these people are in my life for a reason and that I am in their life for a reason. Our hearts are bound together by invisible lines of connection and my heart hurts when their heart hurts.

In the past I tried to shut down the connection because I didn’t want to feel the pain but it meant I had to sacrifice deeply connecting and loving others. I could only love them as deeply as I was willing to experience pain. Life will not get easier the more I love and welcome the lines of connection with more and more people. So I will rise to the occasion. I will grow into a person that can handle change and feel grateful to be so connected with the people I love that I hurt when they hurt.

We are all in this together and relationships give us a beautiful opportunity to choose: are we going to quit when things get tough or are we going to do what it takes to stay connected no matter what? If joy shared is joy doubled and shared sorrow is half the sorrow then I want to lean in when my friends and family are in pain so we can cut our sorrow in half. I believe we are handsomely rewarded when we make that choice and I know the people I love would do the same for me. It's just as Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home.” When my heart is open to connection and all the beauty and terror that comes with it I am better able to be a great walking partner, which is all I care to be. 


These projects are so magical! I can’t wait to start my next one on kindness.

Love At First Sight

Last week I was sharing with some girlfriends that I have been revising my impression of spiritual connection. Over the last 90 days I have felt very connected emotionally and physically but I have a tendency to resist making a habit of any spiritual practice because my views of God are antiquated and defunct; I have had this fixed idea of God being a benevolent old man sitting in the heavens watching over us since I was seven years old. Although I appreciate the “Santa Claus” persona my developing mind created for the Almighty, I am looking to update my perspective.

My girlfriend, Susan, suggested that I write a “want ad for God.” I loved the idea and was excited about what kind of creativity I could lend to this assignment. All my enthusiasm could not overcome my old picture when I put pen to paper. The same image floated through my mind and down to the paper as I wrote. My want ad consisted of the same banal language of the original idea. I struggled with it for nearly a week until today when I was sitting in a café and came into contact with a total stranger. 

She was alone and had a small face, small body, thick dark hair and young eyes.

She looked at me and smiled and then looked away. I felt an instant connection. I thought, “How nice of her to notice me and smile.” For a moment we shared joy, two total strangers connected through kindness. Just a fraction of a second we were connected and I could feel an opening in my chest. I was instantly in love. How can that be? Do I really love her? How can I love someone completely unknown to me?  

This is not uncommon for me. I have had this experience quite often actually. 

I have a habit of people watching. I am fascinated with humans, how they act, what they do, what they say, how they laugh, how they connect. I love watching how people sit, eat and walk. I examine their face, the posture of their body, where they carry their weight, etc. I like to come up with a story about them.  I dream about what kind of life they have had. I imagine what kind of people become their friends. I wonder about their hobbies and interests. I want to know what makes them happy, sad, or scared. 

Every once-in-a-while I see someone sitting alone and for a moment I can see the kid in them. I can see what they looked like when they were seven. When people think they are not being watched they are at peace, free to be himself or herself and I observe innocence in that person. I instantly fall in love with them. 

Sitting in that café today, with my husband, I nudged him and asked, “Do you see her?” He nodded. “I love her,” I whispered.  Lindon just smiled, he knows this isn’t romantic love or attraction. I just… love her. 

After we left I asked him what goes through his mind when I profess love for strangers. His response shocked me. He said, “Cass, you always say stuff like that. No different then any other time you have said you loved someone.” After further questioning he reminded me of the last person I fell in love with in an airport. 

When we were traveling to India, Lindon and I were waiting for our flight drinking a cup of chai. A man sitting behind Lindon caught my eye. He was slim but his face was round with long hair down to his shoulders neatly tucked behind his ears. He was nicely dressed; jeans, collared shirt, vest, jacket. He was sitting alone eating a fruit parfait, with this legs crossed at his ankles tucked under the chair and wrapped around the leg of the chair. I loved him instantly. He was so sweet, content and well put together but so unassuming and understated. 

Lindon saw me staring at him and brought it to my attention because let’s face it- it’s rude to stare. Before I tore my stare from this man I “prayer boomed” him. I thought to myself, “Hi friend, you are so sweet. I love you. Have a safe flight. Have a beautiful life full of health, happiness and love. May you feel appreciated for being so uniquely you. I appreciate you.” 

And the best part is that these people stay with me. I can remember the dozens of people I have fallen in love with over the last year. When I reflect on these moments their faces come to my mind and I am filled with joy. This is definitely something I love about myself. 

Evidently this isn’t something that a lot of people experience fror strangers so I have been curious about it and the more I write about it the more I realize this is my experience of God. This is how I connect spiritually. My want ad isn’t for God because God is ever present in all things, at all times.  All I need to do is deliberately create the conditions under which I experience God.

WANTED

Love At First Sight: I am actively seeking occurrences where I deeply connect with someone else in their experience and share it with them. I am relaxed, peaceful and open. I am positive, supportive and intend to leave others with a prayer or appreciation for who they are and the joy they can bring in a short encounter. I look for the innocence and childlike wonder in those I meet and I am patient knowing that essence lives inside everyone and I exercise compassion until I find it. I open my heart to all and love unconditionally those around me. During this time I will leave the people and places better then I found them. 

All I want is the experience of falling in love over and over and over again. The freedom I feel in those moments profoundly moves me and I will live forever changed and grateful for noticing the greatness in others. 

This feeling is my experience of God.

Giving and Receiving

Saturday when I woke up I had a very normal morning.  I got out of bed, turned on the tea pot, did sun salutations waiting for the water to boil, poured myself a cup of tea and sat outside to write my morning pages. The morning pages went as usual, a little resistant at first as my mind wakes up and then I got into a good pace and thoughts flowed out of me and on to the paper effortlessly.

I wrote about some dreams I have about giving on a broader scale. I want to live a generous lifestyle. I want to have free time to volunteer. I want to work for Techo and build houses in Brazil. I want to teach at the school I visited in India. I want to go to a convalescent home twice a week and just be with someone.

 "It is better to give than to receive" hummed in the back ground of my mind but I had no idea how much that belief dictated my actions until later Saturday afternoon. 

After I finished up my morning pages the morning continued to be normal. Took a shower, had breakfast, got dressed ready to go to a workshop and waited for my husband to pick out an outfit to drive me to the office.

Yep. That is when things got strange...

I was waiting for my husband to pick out an outfit??? He has one style (that he sports very well) and it takes him all of three minutes to make a decision, get dressed and go.

Now, all of a sudden, he is Goldie Locks, "this shirt is too small!" "These shorts are too big!" "This doesn't match." I thought he had lost his mind. I am frantically trying to put outfits together that he will like because I need him to get out the door so I can be on time.

Then it dawns on me, this is weird! What am I doing? I look at him and I say, "You are stalling on purpose!" He looks me straight in the face and says, "Yes."

Instantly my energy sinks and a nervous pit begins to swell in my stomach. This is odd behavior and now I know it is on purpose and I don’t know why. I plead with him to tell me while he pretends to be distracted by getting dressed. All of a sudden there is a knock at the door.

We freeze and stare at each other.

With alarm I ask, "Who is it?" He smiles and says, "Go answer the door".  I plead one last time, “Please let me know who it is!!” He simply grabs my hand, bringing me into reality and out of whatever craziness was in my head and sooths, “Go find out.”

When I opened the door it was my sister-in-law and my nephew who live in Seattle.  Overjoyed to see them I screamed which frightens my two-year-old nephew and I jumped and wrapped my arms around them both. After whipping the tears from my eyes I asked, “What are you guys doing here?” To which my sister looks down at her son and says, “Hand Auntie Cassie the letter.” Aww… you are just a cryptic as your twin brother I see...

The letter read:

Suffice it to say my day was anything but normal after Taylor and Bobby "came over." They were followed by a ton of my friends who came from all over to participate in the adventure race. I can’t begin to describe all the surprises and fun we had so here are a few pictures from our great adventure:

My husband knew I wanted this for my 30^th birthday and we couldn’t make it happen on my actual birthday day so he collaborated with his older sister Dana to plan this entire day and make it a surprise to me. His twin sister Taylor traveled from Seattle to be apart of it and my friends arranged their plans to travel from all over to be a part of this great adventure! We had a blast!

I am beyond grateful. There are not enough words in the dictionary, flowers in the garden or cards at Hallmark to accurately express how appreciative I am for all the planning, secrecy, coordination, arranging and rearranging it took to make this day so fun and special...for me.

And yet, in a quiet moment I feel a twinge of anxiety on the heels of the whispers in my mind, “You don’t deserve this. What have you done for Dana to warrant this time and attention? You need to think of a way to repay her.”

Again, as you know, I don’t believe this self-depreciating story any more and yet I want to pay attention to it. It may not be true but it shows up in my life for a reason and I want to understand its message. So I share my observation with my husband in between adventures and as we talk I share that I believe we get what we give and right now I am having a hard time seeing what I have done to have this extravagant gift show up in my life. 

I turn to him, as he is driving to Casey's Cupcakes where there is a crowd of people waiting to sing happy birthday to me,  and with tears in my eyes I ask, "How do I know I deserve this?" 

Without hesitating he responds the most simple, beautiful truth, "Because it is in your life right now." 

At that moment I realize there isn’t a scorecard in life and love, there is no one tallying up points as to who did what for who and when.

My father in law, Lindon Crow, wrote this beautiful article about enriching the lives of others. The below is an excerpt that really speaks to me now:

“Herein lays the power of reciprocity.  When we receive we give, when we give we receive.  We must keep the flow open by always doing our part which means to receive graciously and with appreciation and gratitude and to be willing to give without reservation or fear of scarcity.  In fact, we often have to deal with a lot of resistance when it comes to giving.  But, if we don’t deal with that resistance than we will stop the natural flow and inevitably our own lives will cease to be enriched.”

My part is to give and receive graciously, wholeheartedly with as much love and gratitude as I can muster. 

So what if I can't see a direct relationship in what I have done to deserve this day. That is a flimsy way to look at it, for three reasons: First of all my self perception is unreliable at best, so I will reject that out of hand. Second, how do I know what I have given? Strangers with a kind smile and the time to show me the way when I am lost have changed my life and they don't know the impact they have had on me. Third, what I have "done or not done" is in the past and completely out of my hands. What is in my control is what I choose to do from here on out.

I want to make a contribution in this world in a big way and part of giving is receiving. I do not want to create a bottleneck in the flow of reciprocity and restrict my ability to give. I also want to celebrate and feel grateful for the amazing people in my life who do overwhelmingly incredible acts of love and kindness for me. If greatness is showing up in my life, I graciously and humbly accept and I will continue to look for ways to give and receive with an open heart and the continued desire to return the love I feel and so deeply appreciate. 

Inviting The Unexpected In For Tea

What if I didn't think cancer was a problem? 

What if I wasn't “fighting cancer” or “being a cancer survivor” or “battling cancer”?

Now I don't have cancer (as far as I know) but several people in my life do. Two people I deeply respect and care about recently got the news that they have cancer and their response to the news changed my life and my story about cancer forever. 

When one of them told me we were face to face. She knows full well my history with cancer and she wanted to be delicate because of my situation (Can you imagine the beauty and decency of someone just diagnosed with cancer being delicate with me? Sensitive to my sensitivity- that’s a class act. I was humbled). When she said the words, “they found a cancerous mass” it felt like I was being gut punched. In an instant every moment of sadness and loss I experienced came up at once and quickly gave way to anger, resentment and futility. 

As she continued with the prognosis; what she knows, how she feels, I listened with compassion but one questions kept circling through my mind, “Why is this in my life again?” 

It wasn’t that long ago that a strong, responsible, courageous woman (healthy by every estimation) was diagnosed with cancer. This woman was my best friend and she just so happened to also be my mom. 

Flashing back forward, when my friend turned to me, wrapping up her gentle delivery of news, I asked if there was anything I can do for her, if there was anything she wanted or needed. She simply requested, “Just be someone I can talk to and listen to me.” So simple, so lovely. It was the least I can do. 

Then I asked, “How would you like me to listen to you?” She knew what I meant and she replied, “I will let you know how I want you to listen to me but at this time all I want is your friendship and understanding.” 

I said, “Done. It’s yours, only always and forever.”  

Then I told her I had something to say and I relayed my experience to her, “I’m sad, I’m pissed, I feel helpless and yet I feel a level of excitement because I think I get to have the experience with you I wish I had had with my mom.” 

Later she asked me what I meant by that and I explained, “I held back my feelings with my mom. I didn’t tell her how scared I was and how much I wanted her around. I thought I could only tell her happy things because I thought at the time that everything else was negative and would only bring her down.” 

To which she replied and her response change my story forever. “Tell me everything. This isn’t a problem; this is just the next thing on my to-do list. I am completely confident I will handle this all very well and be a shining example to others that go through this experience. This is an opportunity to see what cancer is like with consciousness. This is your opportunity to be with cancer consciously. Put all our work into action. We may not have control over cancer but we have complete control over our attitude.” 

It had me think; what if cancer wasn’t a problem but an opportunity? I used to think cancer sucked. I was angry about cancer; I saw it as the enemy. Yet no matter how much I fought cancer, it’s still here, pervasive in the lives of people I love. 

Who would I be if I welcomed it into my life like I do every other unexpected event that pops up in my day? I don’t get angry when someone calls me out of the blue and I have other plans. I don’t lose my mind when I think I am going to be able to see a friend and she has to cancel at the last minute. I don’t feel futile when I call someone for an appointment and they don’t pick up. In fact as I am thinking about it nothing in life ever really goes exactly as I had planned. I handle each of these events as neutral; it’s just what happens. I don’t resist it or fight it. I am not a missed-appointment survivor or battling last minute cancellations; I am just some chick living in a world full of unexpected opportunities. 

Each unexpected event is another test of character, another opportunity to demonstrate the strength of spirit. 

As I pondered this idea, I reflected on my experience with my mom and smiled. My mom’s spirit and character were present with her until the very end. She had a cute lamb pillow that she carried with her everywhere she went. She called it “Lamby-kins” and she always said it in the cutest voice with a smile on her lips. She expressed her opinion, strongly, emphatically, and lovingly when ever possible.  

A memory of her that always tugs at my heartstrings was when she was very ill right before Christmas. She was sick from chemo treatments and at 7pm on Christmas Eve she looked at me and said, “We have to go Christmas shopping.” I told her what time it was; all the stores are closed by now. She opened her eyes wide, “Every store? “  To which I conceded, “Ok, probably not every store.” She grinned and said, “Good, lets go.” 

I drove my barely mobile mom around until we found the only open store where she bought hot coco kits to put in our stockings.  She wouldn’t let a moment go by where she wasn’t giving, no matter how sick she felt. 

I am sad I didn’t tell her how I felt about her then. I thought how I felt was a problem, I thought her having cancer was problem. She didn’t see it that way, but I didn’t see that until now. She handled it with dignity and grace; like she handled everything, it was just the next thing on her list. 

So here is my opportunity to be there for two people I love and welcome their experience. There is no problem, nothing to fight, and nothing to survive. If what we resist persists then I am choosing to experience this with loving, open acceptance.  Not I, or anyone I know did something to deserve this; it is not a punishment, this is just another unexpected to-do item giving us all the opportunity to respond with the best of us. I’m in. 

Here is the end of a story by Pema Chodron about a Buddhist Monk named Milarepa who went to live on his own in the mountain to fight his demons. 

“One evening Milarepa returned to his cave after gathering firewood, only to find it filled with his demons. They were cooking his food, reading his books, and sleeping in his bed. They had taken over the joint. He knew about non-duality of self and other, but he still didn’t quite know how to get these guys out of his cave. Even though he had the sense that they were just a projection of his own mind—all the unwanted parts of himself—he didn’t know how to get rid of them. So first he taught them the dharma. He sat on this seat that was higher than they were and said things to them about how we are all one. He talked about compassion and shunyata and how poison is medicine. Nothing happened. The demons were still there. Then he lost his patience and got angry and ran at them. They just laughed at him. Finally, he gave up and just sat down on the floor, saying, “I’m not going away and it looks like you’re not either, so let’s just live here together.” At that point, all of them left except one. Milarepa said, “Oh, this one is particularly vicious.” (We all know that one. Sometimes we have lots of them like that. Sometimes we feel that’s all we’ve got.) He didn’t know what to do, so he surrendered himself even further. He walked over and put himself right into the mouth of the demon and said, “Just eat me up if you want to.” Then that demon left too.” 

I’m done fighting you Cancer. It only makes you stronger and stick around longer. Ok, Cancer, come on in, sit down, have some tea and a danish, let us live here together because the best of me isn’t going anywhere.