Who Am I?

I have seen the above picture several times on Facebook and Instagram and it always catches my attention. Every time I consider the message and think about the labels I give myself.  I think of the names I call myself and the opinion I have about how I show up in the world.

I have attended various workshops where the focus was to create an “I am” statement to live by and in the process see how that statement is true about who I am. I have created elaborate and eloquent statements such as the following:

“I am a conscious, passionate woman dedicated to furthering the growth of myself and others”

“I am a change agent, bringing people together to create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable”

“I am a courageous leader; living whole heartedly while exploring what’s possible and expressing my fullest potential now”

Yes, I have attended three different workshops where we deliberately created “I am” statements and I must say I left each event feeling a little deflated. I can’t be fooled; I can look at each of the above statements and give at least three examples in the last 24 hours where I was none of the above. Perhaps the one constant is that I am a woman. At least with that statement my mind does not seem to find an argument.

The trick to this whole “I AM” process is what I believe. If I do not believe the above statements then what good is it of me to say them over and over again? In fact I can see myself at times proving that the above is NOT true, which is counter to the direction I want to move towards. Ugh.

So rather than trying to train my brain to believe something that it rejects out of hand I am curious about what I already believe is true about me.

For example, a few weeks ago someone I really admire asked me a simple question in a supportive context and it left me rattled. I was spooked for a few days, spinning on the implication of my answer.  This one question left me feeling completely jilted by my mentor, riddled with self-doubt.

Now up until the time of the question I had been feeling really great about myself. I was producing results at work that made me feel proud. Lindon and I were having a blast in our new home. I was meditating regularly and taking time to sit outside and listen. I even started my book. I had written the purpose/introduction as well as the table of contents- outlining each chapter. I felt healthy, productive and vital. It was wonderful!  

So what was the question that put my mind on tilt?

Here it is; my mentor asked, “Do you actually believe the stuff you write or are you trying to convince yourself it’s true?”

My answer was simple and honest, “I believe it when I do and I like to think that is more often then not.”

But man, I left that conversation in bad shape. I felt I was having an identity crisis. What do I believe? What can I expect from myself to remain constant no matter what the circumstance? I thought, “I am spouting ideals that I don’t live by thoroughly. I am a fraud. People must think I’m a liar.”

I felt embarrassed and ashamed and lost and sad. I had thoughts of packing everything up and moving to a place where no one knew me so I could start all over. I abandoned my book idea, I thought to engage in it would be a self-important and indulgent stroke to my suffering self-esteem. I felt disheartened AND yet I chose to keep going in my endeavors.

I worked out, I talked with God, I did my work, I loved my husband, I led workshops, I took care of myself, I ate well, I gardened, I connected with my friends, I read, I did my daily posts and I just kept living.

I had really great days, I had not so great days and I realized that the one thing I can rely on is that nothing is constant. Nothing is permanent. Then it dawned on me that I had been asking myself the wrong question. I had been asking myself, “What’s true about me? What about me can I count on?”

Bad question, as it has me go to the past to find the answer and when I look back I can see how every statement is true and not true all at the same time.

A better question is; “How do I want to show up right now? What is my purpose here?” Then I can define who I Am in that moment AND that is only available to me once I discover who I am not. 

I had to allow myself to feel like a fraud and a liar so that I could really understand that is not who I am. I had just had several weeks where I was feeling on top of the world then someone asked me if I believed it and I had to experience my doubt in order to come to what I believe. I believe I can make anything I want true about me when I am conscious enough to choose.

When I thought I needed to be an expert or a leader of some kind, that's when I was a fraud considering my purpose for writing these blogs.  What I want is to document my journey; the good and the bad, the wonderful and the ugly. I want to be reflective of my life and learn from my daily happenings. I want to show how a “normal” life is actually beautiful and extraordinary. I want someone to read my posts and say, “that’s a genuine chick right there, what an interesting way of exploring life.” I write these posts and blogs because every guru out there writes about life looking back on their journey; I’m at the beginning looking forward and recording each step. I want to capture all my different phases on the way to a more enlightened state of being AND if that helps someone else close the gap on their own journey - well even better!

So I would refine the statement indicating “I AM” as the two most powerful words. For me, the most powerful words are “This is who I choose to be right now"  and developing the ability to consciously choose that state of being is the thrilling game of life.

As for the question: Who am I? Who am I not.

Experiencing Gratitude In The Most Unlikely Places

A year ago I was vacationing with my in-laws in San Luis Obispo. We were all staying in the same house and got to spend some really lovely, quality time together. Both of my sister-in-laws have beautiful children, which at the time were all under the age of 4. At breakfast one morning my (then) one-year-old niece was sitting on her papa’s lap and wanted something in the middle of the table. She was reaching for it for awhile as we were all chatting and finally her papa leaned in, grabbed it and handed it to her.

As I was watching this I realized that I had an expectation of my niece to look up at her dad and acknowledge him in some way for getting her what she wanted.  A thank you or a glance of appreciation and instead I was shocked that she did neither of those. In fact, there was no apparent consideration of the act at all. It was almost as if she had expected it to be in her hands all along and now it was just in its rightful place.

It blew me away! I was jaw-dropped because I realized at that moment that the expression of appreciation is NOT innate. It is not an emotion that we instinctively express, it is something that we learn. I observed this practice over the weekend as my sisters taught their kids how to express appreciation. “Say please,” “Say thank you,” were echoed in that house throughout our stay in the effort to introduce gratitude into their vocabulary.

As I continue to watch my niece and nephews grow up I look forward to seeing when they actually experience the feeling of appreciation.

I have been sincerely interested in the practice of appreciation ever since. My thought is this; we are born with the capacity to experience gratitude however, that ability needs to be nurtured and developed. AND if that is the case then how far does our ability go? Could I develop my capacity to the point where I feel gratitude for everything, all the time?

When I first started to think about this it seemed a little ridiculous. Life has too many ups and downs, too many unpredictable losses, and too many “bad” situations. How could one possibly experience gratitude all the time? Can I really feel gratitude for something I don’t like?

I remember a few years ago watching a talk show where someone wrote a book about gratitude and they said that gratitude was a choice. They believed that no matter what the circumstance one could always choose to experience appreciation. They gave extreme examples of feeling thankful for death, war, abuse, etc.

I remember laughing at the thought of how ridiculous it was and how I pitied the people who buy such rubbish.

Well, I can honestly say I have changed my tune. I had a very profound experience this week that proved it was possible to find gratitude in the most unlikely places. 

The other day I was planning the perfect day off. My plan: Have No Plan. If it occurred to me to hike I would hike, if I felt like reading I would read. Overall I was committing to resting and relaxing. Shortly after my leisurely breakfast I was sitting outside reading my book when my husband called me. His voice was heavy when he told me our friend’s mother had passed away from cancer.

When I heard his calm and tight voice utter the words, it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest. My breath caught in my throat and tears streamed down my face. I could hear Lindon’s voice constrict when he registered my reaction. He is so empathic and I could tell he was feeling a lot of hurt and pain for our friend and for me.

I called my friend immediately and she picked up and we cried together. I didn’t know what to say so I just listened and empathized.

After getting off the phone, I sobbed and sat in silence. I was pissed, I was so mad my friend was going though this! I was also angry that my perfect day without a plan was slipping away. All I could think of now was making her food. I considered not making food and that felt equally unsatisfying.  This was so completely unfair!

Then I thought of another friend who lost her dad recently. I wanted to hear her voice and hear how she was doing. I called her without hesitation and we talked about how she was taking the news of our shared friend’s loss. We consoled each other for being in the “I-lost-my-parent-too-soon club.”

Heart-heavy and grief-stricken I began cooking. I found myself crying and laughing thinking of my Mom. As I moved around the kitchen making soup my consciousness was flooded with memories of my mom and all the time we shared in the kitchen. I could hear her coaching me along, laughing with me.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, I was experiencing so much in one moment. I was resentful, angry, devastated, joyful, nostalgic, and delighted all at the same time. I wasn’t getting what I wanted AND I was so profoundly grateful that all of this was happening. I marveled at my ability to feel so many feelings at once. The realization nearly knocked me off my feet; I had to take a seat. I examined each feeling and allowed myself to feel the full scale of it. I laughed when I considered my anger and the tantrum I was feeling about not getting what I wanted. I felt compassion for my grief and sadness. I relished in the memories of my mom and allowed myself to feel her sitting with me.

When I looked down at my body it seemed so small. How could I feel all of this at once and still be the same size? I thought for a moment I would need to be bigger to allow enough room for all of this to happen simultaneously. Then I felt so much gratitude for my body to make space for this and I literally hugged myself and laughed out loud, tears running down my face.

What a delight to be a complex human being! I was tickled by my ability to feel gratitude for all my emotions. In the past I could see myself pushing my anger away or denying my resentment by telling myself, “How dare you think of yourself at a time like this… how selfish of you!” Instead I allowed it, I told myself it was ok to want what I wanted. I wanted a free day AND I wanted to care for my friend, so what do I choose? I made a choice that made me feel good about me and I made room to feel sorry for myself at the same time. I can do both!

My resentment is never a problem; my judgment about my resentment can be a problem. That day I found appreciation for my resentment and I realized it is my relationship to my reactions that dictate the experience of my life and I see now that I have the ability to be creative and love all of my thoughts and feelings at all times.

This is a huge step in developing my ability to feel deeper levels of appreciation. This experience had me realize that as soon as I think I have hit my limit on what I can do.... I do more. Truly, anything is possible. 

Because I Said I Would

Ok. I am going to let you in on a little secret. I mean it’s about time that I tell you the secret to living a happy life. You only have to do three things and they are very simple.

These actions are readily available to everyone:

1) Be impeccable with your word

2) Be a pleasure to be around

3) Always do your best

That’s it. If you do those three things you will be unbelievably happy.

Ok… so it’s simple but not easy.

For example; be impeccable with your word? I understand that AND yet there always seems to be so much that gets in the way. I know that my life is only as successful as my ability to keep my word but I said I was going to write a book and that’s hard. I mean, who knows how to do that anyway? Only really brilliant people get published! Who am I to think I have anything to say? I am just some chick with a blog. I am only a “self proclaimed” conscious girl… no one else calls me that. Who would want to read what I have to say anyway. I mean I know some people do but they are just really sweet. They do that out of the kindness of their hearts… not because it’s interesting. They are friends and family who love me. No one else in the world… Bleckhh… ok I am done brain dumping.

Case in point. The above is what makes keeping my word so difficult. The mind can come up with so many reasons (excuses, justifications) for why not to do something. In fact if you read though the above stream of consciousness they all read as facts. If I never questioned this litany of assumptions I could conceivably live my life under the cloud of self-doubt. My greatest fear is that I believe these inaccuracies and live half alive or what I call Walking Dead. The cause of death is soul murder in the first degree of not pursing to our dreams.

One way I ensure that never happens is by raising the bar. I believe that if I want to see what I am made of I must commit to something I have never done before and keep my word no matter what! Knowing the mind, a.k.a the harbinger of doom, will try to stop me by any means necessary because it perceives this new territory as a threat. When this happens I meditate on the messages I am receiving from my mind.  For example; as I sort through the thoughts above I realize there is a theme: I don’t think anyone would care or find interest in my writing.

Ok…why am I preoccupied with that? Consciously I know that I enjoy writing, this process helps me get clear on the thinking that holds me back and the steps I need to take to move beyond those thoughts. I share it on the off chance that it will serve someone else, so why am I worried about others being interested?

So I meditated on this question. In meditation I connect to a quiet, powerful, internal wisdom and I trust this intelligence unequivocally.

The conversation went like this:

Me: “Why am I so worried about people being interested in my book?”

Internal Wisdom (IW): “Because you are not ready to experience your greatness”

Me: “Uhhh… F*&% you.. Yes I am!” (Ok maybe not unequivocally)

IW: “You are too afraid of separating from the people you love. You think that if people read it and don’t like it you will lose them.”

Me: “Ahhh you are right!”

Instantly, I thought of seeing friends over the holidays. I went to dinner with a group of friends and they invited a couple I had met in passing but never had enough time to really get to know directly. I had always liked this couple so I was very excited when I heard they were joining us. I sat at the table across from the wife, eager to have some time to talk with her. The second she asked me what I do for a living I panicked. What if she doesn’t get it? What if she doesn’t like it? So I quickly told her in the most vague way I could dream up and my girlfriend, overhearing the conversation, says, “It’s weird right? We always poke fun at her.” Which at first I heard as, “her work is weird” and upon further reflection I realized what she was saying was that I make it sound weird.

I think that if I like something that people don’t like they won’t like me. So I am always measuring others, assessing what they feel comfortable with and what they don’t feel comfortable with so I know what I can share and what I should keep to myself. This is a behavior I will gladly give up.

The truth is, as I think about this, the real separation will be from my fear of not fitting in, being liked, or feeling included. I may share things that make others uncomfortable and up until now I have been willing to forego connecting to what I love for fear others won’t love me.  

The subtle nuance to be aware of here is that I have been saying, “I don’t want to make others uncomfortable” which sounds very respectable and kind. It is never my intention to cause discomfort and I am using it as an excuse not to share what I love.  How do I know it will make someone uncomfortable until I share my thoughts? I am the one uncomfortable with the fear of loss and I am coming up with excuses to substantiate the lie that if I say what I like people will leave me.

This thought holds me back from keeping my word and inviting others into what I love and what I feel passionate about. Thus leaving me feeling, at times, alone and panicked, creating what I fear. Now that I have this awareness the game will be to catch myself censoring what I say, seeing the fear that drives that behavior, taking a moment to get connected to what really matters and then sharing it. Leaving the results to be judged by others.

Some may not like it, some may be confused by it, some may get angry and argue it AND I am willing to experience that if it means I find one more person who shares my love for self-discovery and personal growth. In fact if I never find someone else who shares my love for it, I will look back at the end of my life and know I never held back. I will rest assured that I relentlessly perused my dreams and shared it with all that I crossed my path. Why... Because I said I would.

A New Year's Resolution

2014 was an unbelievable year! I completed three #101Days projects that taught me so much about who I am and what I am capable of creating. I am not sure about anyone else but I can honestly say I am amazed at my own complexities and my wonderfully dynamic being. Looking back on the last year I marvel at how much I didn’t know about myself. Answering questions such as, “What is important to me?” and “Why is it important to me?” have at times left me down right baffled. I had to sift through so many layers of “I should do...”, “People expect me to…” and “I couldn’t do that because…”. In my mind those statements sounded like facts, unquestioned as the absolute truth AND with the help of these projects, the support of my conscious community and my loving husband I have been able to dismantle what I believed to be true to find what actually is true.

Byron Katie says, “Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.” Which is true… but only 100%of the time. The challenge is: am I aware of the story I am telling myself? This process of discerning my story from reality is more multifaceted than I had realized and discovering all the ways I paint reality is like opening gifts on Christmas. Each new finding unlocks the potential of living a life of total freedom. Where there was once a dead end there is now the beautiful opportunity to choose whatever I want. Is there anything more fun in life? For me... no. I love living this way. I love exploring all the possibilities of myself and for myself and LOVE LOVE LOVE sharing that with others!

Another important lesson I learned was that not everyone wants to live that way.  This used to make me really sad but then I put it into perspective. Not everyone wants to be a CPA, nor does everyone want to be a doctor and I must say I am very grateful for the CPAs and doctors in my life. What we all have in common (Warning: I am not sure this is true and it is a thought I enjoy so I choose not to challenge it ;) is that we are all uniquely gifted and talented and those qualities will lead us to where we want to be if we choose to follow what we love to do.

Luckily, for me there are many people in the world who do love to explore the depths of their being. Some people use it as a tool to create the life they want, some people are interested in a spiritual awakening, some people just want to make sense of themselves. Whatever the reason people choose to develop themselves and explore their potential I deeply appreciate. Nothing makes me happier than being in that experience with someone and sharing it with him or her.

Needless to say I love these projects and I want to continue to do them in 2015, however, I think it is time for a shift. I am ready to commit my entire year to a goal these last projects helped me identity.

In 2015, I am writing a book (and I want to have it published by the Institute of Noetic Sciences)! I believe that writing a book will serve as a way to expand my reach and find more people who love self-exploration or who don’t even know it is a possibility in their lives yet. I also think that the message I promote helps some people in some way that I can’t begin to quantify or qualify AND having that message in the world is important to me.  Also, I know I will learn a ton about myself whether I succeed or fail, so it’s a win no matter what!

I have no idea where to start, or how to do this, so I will need support. I will enroll a mentor and I will handle all my objections to moving forward. I will document this journey through instagram, tumblr, facebook and this blog.  

It was only last December that I was afraid to write a blog and put my thoughts out into the world to be judged by others and now I am excited about writing a book and building a community of people in support of the Human Potential Movement. I wonder what else is possible?

May you all go out and create everything you want in 2015. May you experience health, happiness and abundance like never before. May you always go boldly in the direction of your dreams. I am so grateful for the support you have given me in going after mine. Happy New Year!

Oh and welcome to #365DaysofAnythingisPossible 

Being Silently Drawn

Mother Teresa said, “A life not lived for others is not a life” and Albert Einstein said, “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile” and after completing #101DaysofKindness I can honestly say that I have experienced the truth in these statements. The experience of joy I felt leaving gifts in public places to be found by a perfect stranger knowing that in some way it would brighten their day was immense, or the thrill I got from finding ways to be kind in the most unlikely situations like when someone was upset and yelling at me or when my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye or when I’m just having a funky butt day. This project gave me a sense of happiness and creativity I have never experienced before.

However, with all due respect to Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein, I must admit I believe their statements are incomplete. It doesn’t paint the whole picture; at least it doesn’t for me. I’ll explain.

Towards the end of the project I felt like giving up on life. I had fantasies about running away to a far away land, cutting up my credit cards and I.D., throwing my phone out of the window as I rode off into the sunset never to be seen again. The last two months of this project I protested almost everything in my life; writing these posts, doing random acts of kindness, my work, my friends, even my marriage. I wanted to burn everything down and start all over.

Seems pretty dramatic, huh? Well my mind was certainly acting up and trying to get my attention so I watched it. I didn’t do anything I listed above, in fact, in most cases I did the opposite. I told my husband and my friends how I was feeling. I asked my co-workers to humor me as I got creative and started to restructure my job and what I do during the day. I kept doing random acts of kindness above and beyond what I would normally do daily. All the while my mind screaming, “Get Me Out Of HERE!”

I believe that our feelings are something that we should act on, not act out. With that in mind, I continued to listen to my thoughts and tried to interpret the messages I was receiving in a way that facilitated my Mission and purpose in life: to bring people together and create experiences of meaning where I feel fully alive and completely unstoppable.

I started to ask myself questions; “What in my life needs to end or change?” “With what I want to accomplish, is there anything holding me back?” and “What do I want that I don’t have right now?”

That’s when I realized that I had slipped back into old behavior. I was living for others and forgot about what I wanted. The truth is, I wanted others to do this with me. When I started this project I envisioned creating a movement of people joining me in the kindness project but… I didn’t do anything to really make that happen. In that vision was an assumption that people would ask about it and want to join on their own accord. (Yes, all of you were supposed to invite yourselves into my project. Aren’t you mind readers yet?)

Looking back on my dramatic thinking I realize I was having a reaction to the idea that “no one wants to play with me” (Because if they did want to play with me they would ask me… all while I’m not asking them…yes, you see it now… this makes no sense!).  Which, I set up perfectly. I created what I feared because I didn’t share what I wanted. If I want others to join me I need to invite them and not just once, over and over and over again.

Not only that but my random acts of kindness were limited to what I could do by myself, which mostly left me feeling uninspired.

The happiest I felt during this project was when I invited others to share in the giving; when my husband walked around with me in the middle of the night putting cards on people’s cars, or when my friend Claudine and her kids spent an afternoon slipping notes and gift cards in people’s shopping carts. My Mission is to bring people together and although being kind was fun it didn’t bring me complete fulfillment until I invited others to join me!

Being kind is wonderful and the feeling associated with giving is very powerful AND I feel most alive when I include others in my life. Especially, when I share experiences with others where we push ourselves beyond what we would normally think to do.

Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein were great humanitarians and loved living for others. They were shining examples of their word. However, I would humbly change their sentiment: If it is in your heart to live for others, do so, or you will find your life is not worthwhile. Not all of us are great humanitarians and we are not supposed to be. I believe we are meant to do what we love, what we feel passionate about. 

Now you can call me selfish if you like. That’s ok, I am (Who isn’t?). I used to think that being selfish was a problem. I thought I should be completely selfless and “live for others” like Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein believed.  I used to think that if I didn’t live for others no one would want to be with me. Living for others is a beautiful thing and I like myself when I act to the benefit of others, ultimately it is an activity I enjoy. However the be-all end-all for me, the activity that brings fulfillment in my life and makes my life worth living is sharing experiences with others, bringing people together for something greater then ourselves.

I love quotes and exploring their meaning in my life. I can see now that Mother Teresa and Albert Einstein helped me realize something very valuable: living for others is not my purpose in life, trying to live that way is disingenuous and shortsighted for me. Creating a community of people looking to explore what’s possible and see what they are truly made of really thrills me.

So as you and I set off into the New Year, to create the life we truly want, think of this quote by Rumi “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

I intend to do exactly that and I can’t wait to share with you what I discover! 

Shame

Wow. Well, this one crept in unnoticed and unexpected. Who knew that in a project dedicated to kindness that shame would be such a large component to consider?

My mom used to say, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” and to be completely honest with you I NEVER understood what she meant by that. However, in reflection I see how it makes perfect sense with what I am dealing with right now.

Berne Brown says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” So coupling that with what my mom said the converse is true as well. As we start to amplify the positive emotions we amplify the painful emotions… and actually that is not completely true either. A more true statement is: when we amplify our positive emotions we amplify the possibility for painful emotions to arise as well.

So a way to think about this is if I am NEVER willing to have a broken heart then I will not be able to fully fall in love. When I fall in love I must be willing to have a broken heart. It does not guarantee that I will but if I were never willing to be brokenhearted I would never have the chance to be in love.

Capisce?

Enough with theory… here is my connection to shame and kindness.

So as I have enthusiastically barreled down the road of expressing kindness in every encounter I have simultaneously filled my heart with joy. I realized the delicate difference between being polite and being kind and the impact that can have on someone. I also experienced the thrill of leaving kindness behind for someone to find while disconnecting from the outcome of knowing if or how it impacted someone’s life. I have been more deliberate in expressing appreciation and have engaged in a level of creativity to express gratitude in ways I never have before now. My heart is SO full it has expanded to fill the entirety of my body, pushing up and out against my skin.

This has been, as my good friend Lisa always says, a “yummy” experience. With my heart so close to the surface, it is more susceptible to being touched; for both pain and joy.

Now, shame has crept into my consciousness and I must say I never expected this feeling to show up in my life. In my first project of #101DaysOfAwakening I realized that I separated myself from people for fear of getting hurt and feeling heart broken. So I decided to deliberately create a project that forced me to connect, which was my next project #101DaysOfConnection. However, during that process I realized how slick my mind was; I brilliantly went through the motions of reaching out but did not emotionally connect. That led me to kindness; acting in kindness is a very emotional connection for me. I feel love and gratitude with every act and I feel it deeply. There are also times where I feel hopeful that these acts of kindness will help the recipient. I hope that it will alleviate their pain and suffering in some way. 

Since I started this project I have felt many times tied to the outcome of the kindness and deeply sad and ashamed because it did not work out the way I wanted.

As I have investigated this feeling I realize that I am disappointed in myself for not being able to help people like I want. In my perfect world I would be able to save people from their own suffering. I would have superhuman powers to bless all those in pain and take it all away.

I shared this with a friend and he kindly smiled and said, “If you try to be the God for other people they never get to have their own experience of God.”

I conceptually understand that statement, however, I just don’t feel good about not being able to control the suffering of others. The immature and underdeveloped part of myself feels shame for not being able to do what I should be able to do. I am supposed to make a difference and I have given myself impossible criteria to meet in order to do that.

As a kid I always felt responsible for my little brother. I thought that if I were good he would be happy and my parents would be happy with me. I thought that if I could get him to behave everything would be OK and everyone would be happy. As a kid I truly thought I had the power to do all of this and I have kept this idea with me into my adulthood. 

No wonder I have protected myself from emotionally connecting. If I had let myself connect I would have had to feel the shame of not being able to save someone else...no thank you!

Important lesson: There is a subtle and profound difference between saving and supporting.

So now that I recognize the belief that is running underneath the surface I will make this an opportunity to grow.

The amazing opportunity in this situation is to own all of my thoughts and fears around helping others so I can bring it up to my awareness and make a different choice and feel something different. I want to nurture the part of me that wants to support and lay to rest the part of me that wants to save.

So here is my intention as I move forward in this process:  

I am tender and loving to the part of me that wants to save people and make a difference. It comes from a pure and loving place. I will honor that part of me and continue to look for ways to give and be kind to others. I let go of the outcome and I trust that no matter what happens it will ultimately lead to us all to finding our way home.

I embrace, accept and at times celebrate the pain others feel because I know it will lead them to their own resolution, their own empowerment and their own way home. I will lend support in all the ways I am willing and that has me feel awake, alive and conscious.

I meet the shame I feel around this issue with empathy. I cannot save anyone. I cannot make choices for anyone but myself. I allow all my feelings to come up and I am willing to feel the full scale of their cycle. I know on the other side of these feelings is complete and total freedom. On the other side of these feelings is my ability to be completely committed to loving and fully willing to lose. 

I replace my criticism with compassion. I exchange my doubt for faith. I trade my fear for surrender. I choose unconditional love in always, all ways and I start with myself. 

Writing to My Future Conscious Children

Dear Babies,

You are nowhere near existence and yet I dream of you often. Your future father and I talk about you; what you will be like, what will interest you, what we will do together as a family, the values we will live. I dream about what you will look like (God willing you will have your father’s hair), I pray for your health and happiness, and I love you like crazy. You have not come into being and yet the thought of our lives joining one day fills my heart with joy. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to hold your little bodies in my arms and kiss your cheeks. I can’t wait to be put to the ultimate test of being your mother and watching my heart forever walk around outside my body.

I always wanted you and yet I must admit there were times where I said I wasn’t going to have you. That was only because I was scared. Not of childbirth, it was the thought of raising you that scared me most. I wanted the best for you and I looked at myself and thought you deserve better. My behavior and emotional capacity would have led me to be a controlling, stressed out mom. I didn’t want that for you, I wanted to protect you from my inadequacies; I love you too much to pass them down to you.

Which brings me to the purpose of this letter. I want to thank you. I am so grateful for the possibility of you because it has given me the courage to show the world who I really am. In 2009 I realized that I wanted you more then I wanted to live without you and I made the most important decision that changed the trajectory of my life forever. I decided that I wouldn’t let fear stop me from having the things I want, which in turn led me down a path of personal growth, compassion and healing.

When I get scared, you always come to mind and I ask myself, “Would I be proud to pass this down?” It gives me great clarity, as it makes the questions easy to answer.

Today I had to make a really scary decision that impacts someone I care about. I decided to stay true to my values and ask them to leave my life. Staying together only served the illusion that I was helping or being kind.

Sometimes we have to do what is uncomfortable and trust that everything will work out because it always does. As long as your intention is pure you can do no harm.

I am happy to pass that on to you. I can honestly say that a year ago I would have compromised my values to serve the illusion.  There is nothing in this world you can’t handle. A few years ago I wasn’t so sure of that and as I write you now I know it for certain.

You will feel pain, you will feel heart ache, you may suffer and I trust you will land on your feet. I trust your journey will lead you to exactly where you need to be and you will be wonderful because of it. Although I am sure I will always want to protect you from hurts, and I will jump in from time to time. I promise I will not protect you from life.

I will not protect you from my inadequacies because there are none. I am a perfectly imperfect human being with a kind soul and a lot of love for you. You deserve life. The full scale of it, beauty and terror, and part of the joy of being your mother is the dance I will do balancing giving you guidance and getting out of your way.

I was motivated to take this journey because of you and it has me feel free. It is because of this journey that I realized that I wasn’t really protecting you from me, I was protecting myself from the potential pain I would feel if anything ever happened to you. It is because of this journey that I know that whatever the outcome of your life, I will be ok. I always am and I won’t trade one moment of loving you to protect myself from the possibility of pain.

A lot of these lessons I learned, by the way, come from your future father. He is one brilliant man AND he is the greatest partner in the world for me. I am extremely happy to pass that on to you. Our love, mutual respect, and honesty will be a great foundation for you. We laugh a lot together, we cry together and we sing and dance together. I am sure you will enjoy your time with us and I look forward to seeing whom you choose as a mate. My parents set an amazing example for me, as did your father’s, so you come from a good long line of loving couples. I look forward to seeing how your love story unfolds.

You will be here in the next few years and thanks to your inspiration I am doing everything to prepare for your arrival. Taking good care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually just like my mom did for me.

Love you endlessly in all ways, always,

Mom